Practical Tips For Managing a Player

[CreativelyChallenging]

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

[doji]

Part of the problem here is that everyone has their own internal idea of what their girlfriend (or boyfriend) should look like. Some of these will be easily describable things that you might be able to change about yourself such as looks, money, job status. Others are more nebulous though like 'I feel comfortable with them' or 'they make me feel alive' - how do you become that person?

As such, all you know is that you don't match his internal 'girlfriend picture'. Problem is, you don't know what that looks like (and he may not either- some people don't know until they meet someone and have that 'aha, found you' moment). Even if you did, would you be able to change yourself permanently into what he wants? Living life trying to be someone else sounds pretty terrible to me.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

So how long are you giving yourself to try? Meanwhile you fall more in love with him.

Then what happens when it doesn't work.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Absolutely agree with Category12, so much so that I've reposted her post:

Because if you have to win someone round or contort yourself into what you think they want, you're always on the backfoot, you will never feel safe or loved, because it's always been uneven and you're the one who wanted it more.

=====================

I know it's not what you want to hear as you're now talking about 'persuasion' as some kind of viable method. It's sad to hear a woman talking of this, thinking so lowly of herself that she is prepared to be some kind of booby prize whilst waiting for him to find someone for whom his feelings are real and nobody else matters.

You think that he will develop feelings for you. Why would he? You're good enough for him to have sex with (when he feels like it), you're 'on tap'/as his beck and call. Would you honestly have respect for a man who behaved as you are? No man (or woman) would want somebody who behaves like a puppy dog, not for a relationship.

You have things extremely skewed in your head if you think that being some sort of eager ready-for-anything person is going to make him fall for you. Have you ever had counselling or any kind of conversation with someone to talk through these feelings of how low you are willing to set the bar?

You said you've been hurt in previous relationships and you're setting yourself up for the same here. He does 'like' you, that's why he's told you straight that there's no future in it. He knows he can tell you this because you'll want him anyway, no matter how blunt he is - and you do.

You're on a hiding to nothing in your determination to pursue - except a broken heart and further damage to your self-esteem. I can't believe that you've read through all the posts here and are still set on that course of action.

For your sake, I hope he's just a player and not a masochist as well.

[venusinscorpio]

This won't work. If you get him by game playing and manipulating his feelings you'll have to do it for the rest of your life. You'll never have any real security. Yes it's just possible that he might realise his undying love for you and forsake all others, but the odds aren't great. They really aren't. Far more likely is that he will get bored because he requires constant variety, while you fall deeper for him. Or he'll get a kick out of knowing he has this power over you and keep you hanging because he can. You won't be able to play hard to get because you care more than he does. Don't waste your life like this OP. I've been there, so I do sympathise.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

He's told you that he's not exclusive with you and doesn't want a relationship. So you do know that he's sleeping with other people don't you.

[notagiraffe]

OP, your last post sounded really desperate and sad at how far short you fall in what he wants and how unlikely he is to increase his desire for you. Aren't you curious as to why you feel this way? Don't you want to do a bit of work on your own self-worth.

Do people still read [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 this book?] Because I think you'd find it interesting. There's way more to life than moping around hoping some feckless bloke will develop more interest in you if you play the right mind games.

[notagiraffe]

live link (I hope)

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think the comment about not matching an internal girlfriend picture is very accurate. I don't want to date people I don't see as potential boyfriend pictures so I don't. But many people do carry on and then later fall into something more serious as time goes on, but here lies the problem - this mismatch/falling into something seems to have a horrible way of coming to the surface further down the line.

Not only is it ok to be single it's also ok to wait and wait and wait until you find someone you aren't as mismatched with. I wasted my youth/figure etc on the wrong men but that doesn't mean I now have nothing to offer them

[Myusernameismyusername]

*them being a man

[user1476869312]

If he's a nice man, he will dump you fairly soon. People who want casual sex/FWB set ups and who are also ethical often realise that they have attracted a Klingon and gently but firmly get rid rather than lead the person on. (It's also tiresome to keep seeing someone who you know is desperate for more than you are willing to give.)

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

it does depend also on his age and relationship history. If he's recently divorced and playing the field, and getting offers, you are best to just end it, however painful.
You say you fear to lose what you have, even though you want much more. But that way madness lies because you will get more and more attached, and he will get cooler and cooler, it will be harder to move on the more you invest, you'll get obsessed with him and the little changes of mood he has towards you!
So it's not the case of having nothing to lose if you continue. It's just such a shame that now you feel ready for a r-ship in years, you'll set yourself in the wrong direction which WILL destroy your self esteem again.
I'm so sympathetic, OP, not judging at all as I've been in similar situations and they NEVER worked despite my efforts. Otoh if a man is interested, you don't need to do a lot - even though it helps to still keep your cool to start with.
I did say 'pull back a little' because it just wouldn't do harm - I didn't suggest pull back completely & immediately, but pull back a bit - just to be sure that it definitely has no effect on him. Then if he hasn't noticed you can always continue if you must, but otoh the pulling back may be a first step to detaching from him. I would argue that sometimes pulling back does work in those cases where a man has just been spoiled too much by a woman he really likes, or purely that he's not ready for a relationship due to bad timing. When she pulls back he may realise that he likes her a lot more than he thought - it's simply the case of will he miss you or not. So it's worth a try, but if not, I'd really advise not to carry on with this soul-destroying mission!

[Woody67]

This post reminded me from that scene from "when Harry met Sally":-

"All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married. But the truth is he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me."

One day your friend with benefits might meet someone who makes him want to stop playing the field and settle down but if that person were you, I think it would have happened by now.

save yourself the heartache, learn to love yourself and allow yourself to find someone who will love you back. You deserve no less than that.

[MistressDeeCee]

Accept him as he is. He is not a remote control robot, you can't change his settings to suit you. How would you try to "win him round" anyway? I don't how that could be done. Tbh he is more honest than you are - he's told you he enjoys being single, doesn't want to be exclusive. You on the other hand are pretending to go along with what he wants, when its not what you want at all so you've concocted some plan on him.

Its like some kind of stealth passive-aggression. Either accept him as he is, or tell him you want more than casual (& accept the risk that he may say bye bye).

When you love a man more than you love yourself and have no boundaries, its a recipe for disaster and disrespect of you. If you're unable to simply enjoy this while it lasts, you're in the wrong place

There are lots of men in this world, all this effort over ONE man who doesn't even want a relationship?! Stay with him if you like - until he fancies moving on, as he surely will - but maybe don't put all your eggs in one basket. It would be crazy to solely focus on him as your man

[user1475501383]

Been there, done that, run a mile.

Also, no judgement here from my part but just noting you seem to value a potential partner by external status factors just like you say your player guy does - I quote:
'It's happened to me. I had a long term relationship when I was much younger with a man who first time I met him, I just wasnt interested. A year or so later, hed changed - had a lot of career success, more confident, put more effort into his appearance - so he went from being someone who wasnt my type/didnt attract me to someone who was.'
and about the player you write:
I maybe wrong but I get a sense that money and status are important to him'

My advice would be to focus mainly on internal qualities and a dynamic between you and another person, whether it's a male friend or potential partner.

My beloved DP was 'just a friend' for me for quite a while before by luck I started to see him in a different light, and fell for him - we were already close friends by then so it's all been great from then on, now we live together etc. He'd always expressed interest in being with me but I'd said it wouldn't work out for more than a few months and our friendship was more important. I'm so glad to have been completely wrong.

Quite ashamed to admit but I do remember I didn't perhaps consider DP quite my intellectual equal when we were just friends. But I was wrong, he is a mild-mannered person and very smart and interesting, just not a show-off who shoves it in people's faces, hence took me a while to notice.

As for status, he works for a minimum wage but I could not care less about that. The genuine love and passion we share is worth more than any money in the world.

But it is easy to get blinded by all the different views and ideas in the world today. I'm actually happy to not have a partner who's pursued by every woman in town as it would just be fishy and probably cause an average guy a big head. I guess I've always been for the underdog.

It doesn't have to be a choice between the 'popular guy' and an underdog who's not 'worthy' of you. Unlike a certain presidential candidate, I don't think either women or men can be rated on a scale of 1 to 10. There are about a gazillion factors at play when determining partner suitability, which is of course always a dynamic, not an individual value, if that makes sense.

Ironically the initial reason me and DP were just friends for quite a while before getting together was that when we met, I was in an on-again off again relationship with a guy who believed in polyamory. I was very much in love with him, or so I thought, but when he did the shit on me for the 4th time, I walked away and felt free. He of course kept pursuing me for a bit afterwards. These men only want you when you do not want them and it is toxic, disturbing and something to steer clear from.

[joellevandyne]

My advice would be to make your deadline tomorrow. Seriously.

I have two exes with whom I had similar relationships. Thought the world of them. Amazing guys... handsome, clever, popular, charming. We had great fun. A wonderful connection. Would have married either in a heartbeat.

Eventually I realised neither of them, despite their declarations that I was "very special" to them, were going to settle down with me. Neither of them wanted to play the field. They just weren't ready to commit. So I decided I had more self-respect than to hang around playing the 'pick me' game.

It wasn't a completely decisive move either time. We were on-and-off a bit. I held out hope. Again, eventually I realised that the 'on-and-off' was never really going to be back on properly. At some point I had a moment of clarity and decided I was done. Both of them came back to me fairly soon after this moment of clarity and begged me to come back. I didn't, because I really was done. Maybe you'd go back though.

It's now 20 years on from one, and 10 years on from the other. I am now happily partnered with children, as are they, ostensibly. However both have admitted to me within the last few years that they still think of me and feel that they missed their chance with the 'love of their life'.

The thing is, the only thing that makes me the 'love of their life' is the fact they missed out. If I'd stuck with them, and we ended up together, I feel certain that they'd be quietly mooning over some other woman. Because this type of man is never satisfied. And I think most women have a sixth sense for those men who are never going to be satisfied. Even the guy mentioned earlier who ended up with the 'icy heiress' - I bet he's not satisfied.

In your heart of hearts, you will know if this is the type of guy who is ever going to be satisfied. Base your efforts to win him over on this understanding.

[venusinscorpio]

I think the icy heiress man just wanted to avoid real intimacy at all costs. He can either be with women he has mild contempt for, or he can be in a relationship where he's the one getting the cold treatment. Whatever the reasoning, life's too short to waste it on men like that.

[CreativelyChallenging]

I've read everything and dont really know what to say.

I suppose its best summed up by I feel lucky to feel the way I feel at all about him. Its rare to love someone at all - and a person who is attracted to you too

I dont want to feel in 10/20/30 years that we could have worked out if only I'd tried/made more of an effort/didnt give up.

Men do this kind of thing all the time - "chase" after a women but disguise it and get tips on it. "She likes flowers; send her flowers". "She likes the opera; take her to the opera". Why should it be so terrible for a woman to do the same thing?

I love him. He's very lovely. All I want is for him to care for me too. What's so wrong about trying to pursue that as a goal?

I mean if I were saying "I want to be the CEO but the board of directors like me but currently dont want me for the job. how can I maximise my chances of getting that job?" I don't think people would be saying "oh well you deserve better. try another company" or "you dont have a hope in hell" or "you obviously have low self esteem" - everyone would be piling in with a strategy.

This whole thread is making me feel not good about myself for some reason. And I dont really have a reason to feel that not good. I thought I would get more helpful strategic advice and tips.

[joellevandyne]

Because love isn't business. You might, with a great deal of work, manage to convince a boards of directors who has explicitly turned you down, that you can fulfill all the KPIs of a job (assuming no better candidates present themselves in the meantime).

Relationships don't work like that though, at least not outside of rom-coms. (I don't know a single person, man or woman, who has managed to win the love of the person of their dreams through relentless pursuit and a tactical approach in real life.

It sounds like you guys have something. But it doesn't sound like it's the basis of happily ever after.

People are giving you advice here based on their own experiences of being the one who "wanted it more" in a relationship. They're not trying to block your chance at happiness. Quite the opposite.

[kiwipie]

Because if he doesn't care now, he never will.

[joellevandyne]

Also, I think that if you said you'd applied for the role of CEO at a company and they'd told you a) we don't want a CEO right now, and b) we prefer to interview lots of people and keep their details on file in case we happen to want one in the future, 'most people actually would tell you to try another company.

[kiwipie]

Because if he doesn't care now, he never will.

[sykadelic]

You're very eloquent OP and I do understand what you're trying to do, but he's a person, not a robot. There are no "tips" because it varies from person to person.

What I don't understand, honestly, is how you don't think it's just a little bit sad that you think so little of yourself that you think you need to "convince" someone to love you and want to be with you. No-one is saying he doesn't like you, he obviously does or he wouldn't sleep with you.

You gave these examples of a man getting tips like "she likes flowers, take her to the opera" but you failed to account for the woman telling him, clearly, that she wasn't interested. You're not giving examples of a woman who clearly said "you're good for sex and that's it", they're examples of a man trying to woo/impress a woman he likes. You're trying to change the status quo, like marrying a man who told you he had a vasectomy and never wants kids and then you suddenly decide you DO want kids and try and change his mind.

If you want tips though, my tip would be this: stop sleeping with him. Tell him you've decided that you're ready to start pursing a relationship and have realised that sleeping with him is stopping you from truly getting out there, so you think it's best to stop sleeping together but you'd love to keep hanging out doing X, Y and Z as you enjoy that. And stick to it. Show him there's more to you than just someone to have sex with. Get out there and see other people, actually put yourself out there. He'll either miss you and want to be with you, or he won't and hopefully you'll have moved on. Either way it's a win-win.

[RebootYourEngine]

If it works and he does tell you that he wants a relationship with you and to marry you do you really think he is going to stop sleeping with other women?

[DrMorbius]

This whole thread is making me feel not good about myself for some reason. And I dont really have a reason to feel that not good. I thought I would get more helpful strategic advice and tips

Op there is an old Russian proverb. if 3 people tell you, you are ill, go and see a doctor

Practically every pp thinks you are wrong, doesn't that tell you something.

[tribpot]

I think if this thread is making you feel bad about yourself, it's because your self-esteem and your ego are too tied up in the goal of somehow 'winning' this man. Actually what everyone on this thread has said, either implicitly or explicitly, is that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and who is committed to you.

It isn't lucky to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back, it's incredibly damaging.

The kind of strategy you've suggested is about how you persuade someone you like to spend some time with you, so they can get to know you and see if feelings develop. But he does know you. And feelings haven't developed.

I think if the situation were reversed, and you felt affection for someone who you knew to be desperately in love with you, you would want to do the decent thing by that person and end things so that he could grieve and move on. He doesn't know how you feel, so he isn't playing with your feelings, but I think if you told him, he would want the best for you too.