Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practical Tips For Managing a Player

245 replies

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:03

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

OP posts:
user1468321775 · 22/10/2016 13:42

I think it's a bit unfair on him to try and change him when he has been nothing but completely honest with his expectations. He could have given you all that chat, led you along and broken your heart but has chosen to be upfront. It's rare you get this openness and it could destroy any connection you have if you try to play games with it. I say either except it for what it is and enjoy what you have with him and see it as a stepping stone to getting over some of your past relationships, or cut re-bait, cast the line and catch another fish!

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 13:44

It's rare you get this openness and it could destroy any connection you have if you try to play games with it.

Very true.

Many guys pretend they are dating you and string you along to get sex.

You are free to see other men too as he has told you he isnt serious. Why dont you date some others. You might meet someone nicer.

Mistykit · 22/10/2016 14:12

You waited 6 months before sleeping with him. I'm guessing he had a girlfriend at that time?

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 14:14

It is also far worse that they didnt have sex for 6 months.

She cant say they jumped in too fast and he didnt know her well enough. he knew her for 6 months with no sex and nothing has changed his mind.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 14:18

You already know what the answer is OP because you've pre-empted it and told people not to tell you this.

You are not this man's 'match'. If you were, you wouldn't need to resort to this. I hope you're not still trying to persuade him into a relationship with you when he DOES meet his match because you'll see the difference, he will drop you so fast your head will spin, and he'll spend all the time he can with the one that he does want and love. It won't be you, you'll be left to witness it and it will make you cry.

Do you want that for yourself? Have some dignity and love for yourself. Or, get what you deserve because manipulation is a nasty business.

Mistykit · 22/10/2016 14:27

Not sure if it's far worse or not. IF he had a girlfriend during that time, then he was cheating (emotionally) on the girlfriend with the OP and stringing the OP along to have as an option; probably lying to the girlfriend too.

With or without girlfriend he has been doing stringing you along because I seriously doubt he doesn't know that you like him a lot more than he likes you OP. I expect he will take advantage of your feelings, shag around and potentially it could turn nasty for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 14:28

... and the same applies to the poster upthread who says she 'got him'. What a coup! If she'd been a person that he loved and respected, she would never have had to play these games - nor keep playing them to keep him at her side. If he ever runs into someone who he truly cares for, she won't see him for dust and it all will have been for nothing.

How flattering can it possibly be to have to 'trick' somebody into spending time with you? Confused

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/10/2016 14:42

I know two 'player' type men who have settled down (at least for now).

In one case he met a new woman and decided he'd change for her. He said he respected her and felt he had to work hard to impress her. His previous partners had all thought he was fantastic and he had messed them around, believing correctly that they would put up with it. So if you are really keen on this guy then that won't work.

The second guy basically started getting older and realised that being single was getting less fun as he wasn't pulling such attractive women. He started going out with an amazing woman but didn't properly commit to her for years- after much stalling and messing about and a couple of ultimatums he proposed. They are married now, but she had years of hanging on, and it was his age which tipped the balance in her favour, e.g. he thought his days of being a player were ending.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 14:48

'Settled' then. So flattering. The minute that somebody glittery turns his head his wife will have to put the choke chain back on. Urgh. These men sound horrible.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 14:50

Sorry, that was to Hopelessly'.

Paperplanesover · 22/10/2016 14:52

Lying, I never got into a relationship with him. Like I said, I didn't want him. He ended up wanting the relationship, I said no. He still texts and calls occasionally now.

He wasn't interested in me for me, he was interested because he couldn't get me. I'm not stupid, I've been playing this game for a long time.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/10/2016 15:01

I met a close male friend when he chatted me up. We really clicked, and I really enjoyed his company, but I could tell he was a Player. For this reason I declined the date and instead became friends with him. We are still friends now years later, and in that time he has been through many many casual relationships. We get on so well that people would often tell us that we 'should' be in a relationship, but I knew that would last five minutes as for whatever reason he was scared of commitment, and I preferred him as a friend rather than an ex. Once he commented that our friendship was the longest 'relationship' he'd had with a woman.

I understand that sometimes you meet someone you really click with and want to have them in your life; a romantic relationship isn't the only way to have a meaningful connection. If he has told you he doesn't want a romantic relationship please believe him.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 15:01

But he could get you paperplanes. You were having sex with him.

allthatnonsense · 22/10/2016 15:03

He is who he is.

Save your energy and walk away.

Paperplanesover · 22/10/2016 15:10

OP isn't talking about getting him to have sex with her though. She's talking about having a relationship with him.

Yes I was having sex with him, I have sex with a lot of people

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/10/2016 15:10

LyingWitch yep I certainly wouldn't feel secure in their partners' shoes. In both cases they were fully aware of the man's history early on but obviously decided to continue with a relationship.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 15:11

Paperplanesover, I've just re-read your earlier post and you say that you weren't in a relationship but you invested so much time and energy into something you say that you didn't want? What was the point of that?

The fact is, if he'd met somebody who he truly felt something for, no game-playing would have been needed and that's true for anybody in that dynamic, not just you. You (general) NEVER have somebody like this because they don't and won't choose you.

Paperplanesover · 22/10/2016 15:14

What time and energy did I invest? I really don't get that statement.

We met. We had sex. There was texting and phone calls. We both frequented the same clubs and bumped into each other I didn't sit around making a plan to get him, I wasnt mooning over him, where is the investment?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 15:25

And I got him. You know why? Because I didn't want him. As simple as that. He was so used to be messaged, pursued and sought after. Everytime he posted something on FB women would flood in. If he text someone they would reply immediately. I gave him just enough attention and then left him hanging. We had sex and then I'd leave. I wouldn't text him. I have a busy life and a full social life. There was always photos of me on FB out having fun with other men. But to him I was cold. And then occasionally out of the blue I'd text him something nice and then go cold again. He never knew where he stood.

No it's not nice. Not im not proud of myself. Yes I knew what I was doing. But he fell hard and pursued me for months, told me I was a game changer, that I had broken the mold, I was the only one he would change for. But I didn't want him in the end. And this sounds horrible but I just wanted to see if I could get him.

^^ that's what you posted, Paperplanes. The fact that you're a multi-tasker doesn't negate the wasted time and energy - for something/someone you didn't want.

I'm honestly not trying to needle you but your post was sad. It smacks of sour grapes because you only didn't want him because you knew - that in normal, non-game playing life - he wouldn't have wanted you. He was/is deficient and, for that period of time, so were you but you were far more invested because of the game-playing you had to do to 'win' him.

The point I was making is that most men are upfront and don't resort to playing games. The ones that DO play games will always have their eyes on the real prize... that isn't the person that they are currently with. To even bother with these men is a sad and unsatisfying waste of time, headspace and feelings.

yummymummycleo · 22/10/2016 15:41

You say it's taken a long time for you to get to this stage. I am assuming you've been badly hurt in the past?

Surely by getting involved with this man you are simply putting yourself back to the beginning again where it will take you x amount of months/years to recover yet again? You re just going round in circles. Surely you don't want to be in that position again if you ve come so far.

Find someone who will love you back without the games. I don't think anyone finds their long term love by playing games. The keeper is the one you don't have to play games with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2016 15:41

I've just re-read Dadaist's perceptive and insightful post and that entirely sums up for me that what OP wants and thinks she will achieve, is nothing more than wishful thinking.

She's already 'lost'. Fortunately for her (but not at the moment), he really wasn't worth winning.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 15:42

So the ones that tell you up front like this guy has aren't nasty?

TheNaze73 · 22/10/2016 15:55

Not at all Queen, just honest.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 15:59

So TheNaze they dont think ill of you or want to use you. Just honest and they dont dislike you?

magoria · 22/10/2016 18:04

I think it is mean to describe him as a player. He has been honest and upfront with you.

He isn't messing you around, making and breaking promises. He isn't trying to change you.

You are trying to change him.

Why do you want to do that if he is happy with his life the way it is?

Why do you think you know better than him what he wants and what will make him happy?