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Original poster

Practical Tips For Managing a Player

245 replies

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:03

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

OP posts:
LovePGtipsMonkey · 22/10/2016 01:04

try to pull back a bit, i.e. do The Rules - don't respond immediately if he texts, cancel a date or two, - just chill a bit. It's hard if yo ureally want to see him, and it's not a guarantee of any sort, but it MIGHT work if he lies you more than he lets on, just to jog him on to a higher level of interest. BUT if he doesn't like you enough (i.e. as a person, not just as a sex partner) then you can't do much. If he does like you but you spoiled him with constant availability and praise, then pulling back may work.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 01:46

It also depends how far up the hierarchy she is.

You can usually tell. Op you havent said: does he see you alot? Once a week? Once a month? How often does he contact you?

If he doesnt see you that often, you're a last resort and the back of the line which means he doesnt even value the sex with you that much.

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 22/10/2016 01:56

You can't win him round

Fuck the rules, if he was into you he would be with you. Games are not worth your time AT ALL.

There is only one thing that stops a player playing, he realises he does not want to be a player anymore and falls in love

LellyMcKelly · 22/10/2016 05:07

You can't win him round. You either ditch him or put up with him playing you.

DeathStare · 22/10/2016 06:10

You can't win him round OP. You just can't.

It's not like he needs to get to know you better - he does know you, and he still isn't interested.

Don't start trying playing games to get him to want what you want. Firstly it's not going to work. Secondly he has explained his boundaries. Not respecting someone's boundaries around sex and relationships is always manipulative and unethical. Is that the sort of person you want to be? And do you think any relationship based on that could work?

Imagine someone posted on here saying that they had just started sleeping with someone and they themselves only wanted casual sex but the person they were sleeping with had made it clear that they were only interested in a relationship, so the poster had gone along with that but now wanted advice on how to convince the other person that they should instead just have casual sex. Everyone would tell them that to do so would make them a selfish, disrespectful sleazebag and instead to walk away. What you are proposing is the same in reverse and if you went ahead and did it you would also be a selfish, disrespectful sleazebag. Don't be that person.

The person who is right for you will not need to be manipulated into being with you - they will want to without any manipulation. Don't resort to being somebody you wouldn't like just to get some man who isn't right for you anyway.

Quodlibet · 22/10/2016 06:15

The only circumstances under which you should attempt to manage a player are if you are being paid a lot of money and you work in football.

Otherwise, do yourself a massive favour and accept reality.

kiwipie · 22/10/2016 06:21

So, you want to figure out a way of manipulating and trapping him?

He has been honest with you, so be honest with him. He will probably let you down easy, but if you carry on, and expecting things from him (which will be inevitable)you will convince yourself you're on the same page, as you will hang on to every last word he says and you will end up like a puppy begging for a bone.

Get some self respect and leave now. You don't want the same things, he will not change, he will drop you like a hot stone if you carry on like this.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 06:58

Some women are utterly unbelievable and really do deserve everything they get.

RestlessTraveller · 22/10/2016 07:32

Fuck! A thread about playing hard to get, trapping men and now The Rules. I fucking despair. I really do.

TheNaze73 · 22/10/2016 07:36

Op, just walk now with some dignity. The rules are a load of bollocks, ignore him, he'll be on Tinder within minutes & banging someone else within an hour. It's so easy for players to find vulnerable woman in the digital age, with no self respect. He's told you he aint interested. Big clue that.

Boolovessulley · 22/10/2016 07:40

You might as well ask how can I change a snake into a puppy, answer you can't.

Stop fooling yourself.

Chewingthecrud · 22/10/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 22/10/2016 08:17

Why would he value you when you don't value you?

Take him at his word - it's not exclusive, either way. It's fun, light, non committal. He might decide he wants more of that.

But trying to be the only committed one in a non exclusive relationship is a recipe for a lot of hurt, I think.

IncidentalAnarchist · 22/10/2016 08:20

Rupert cheats on Taggie?! Shock

Cabrinha · 22/10/2016 08:33

Hopefully there'll be one of those love spell scammer posts on the thread shortly.
OP, dig out your credit card and you'll be sorted!

Alternatively, how about you put the time, money and mental effort you're putting into this uninterested man into counselling sessions instead?

It's great, you've done well - you've dated and had sex which was obviously an issue for you. So he's ticked the box as a man for a reason - but not for a season. Time for your next step forward. That might not be dating. That might be "Walking Away When You Don't Want To 101".

bellissimiaow · 22/10/2016 09:27

How long have you known him op? And how did you meet him? Ideally how would you hope this will all work out?

Do either of you have kids? And how old is he? I know a couple of 60-yr olds who were players in their younger days. Several ex-wives later they still act exactly the same and have never changed. It's not nice to accept it but this is who he is.

My ex was a player in his teens and everyone said I 'changed' him. He said I was the only one who made him want to be with just one woman. We were together for 23 years and guess what? He played around. Apparently being with one woman wasn't exciting enough.

ChuckBiscuits · 22/10/2016 09:32

You can't manage a player - that's the point!

All this talk of treat 'em mean, goodness me. Why are you trying to encourage the OP?

OP if a potential partner does not respect or want you, read the signs and go get some self respect. At best you will get horribly hurt. At worst you are setting yourself up to be the bit part player in a lifetime of misery, possibly abuse.

Just. No.

Myusernameismyusername · 22/10/2016 09:48

I am very upset about the jilly cooper spoilers! Stop!

Tarttlet · 22/10/2016 11:59

Why do you love him?

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 22/10/2016 12:51

It doesn't work OP, you won't win him round. I've been there, he wasn't charming he was manipulative. Actually he was a narcissist. And this man will be shagging everyone, please don't be fooled in to thinking he's just sleeping with you.

You shouldn't have to win anyone round, find someone who wants you.

PoldarksBreeches · 22/10/2016 12:54

Don't be a silly billy. This is a non starter, you know it

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 12:56

In not being so harsh on the OP, I do feel for her as I have been there.

It is probably the case that he has told her he doesnt want exclusive until after he slept with her and she started liking him. In those cases it is hard to switch it off.

If he told her before they had sex together ...well.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 12:58

Also as a side note, people may disagree, but I've always thought that relationships only work when the women cares about the man less than he cares about her and not the other way around.

There are so many stories of the woman being the giver and the man talking liberties on here alone to convince me of that.

Threepineapples · 22/10/2016 13:00

This man is just a mirror

Sort out your own availability issues if you want a project

Time spent on you is never wasted

twattymctwatterson · 22/10/2016 13:23

Op it sounds like you've been badly hurt in the past and are going down a path similar to the one I've been on, which is to fall for emotionally unavailable men because you are emotionally unavailable yourself. Trust me there really isn't anything you can do to make this man fall for you and you will do yourself a disservice if you play games to manipulate him. What is likely to happen is that you will get hurt and it'll take some time to get over it... Then you'll meet someone else who is unavailable and start the cycle again. You need to take some time to work on the reasons you are like this - go for counselling, do whatever you can and rebuild your self esteem. There is someone out there who thinks you are worth so much more

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