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Original poster

Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

160 replies

totslepots · 21/10/2016 19:45

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/10/2016 19:49

I don't think he gets to decide - your health is at stake here. You sound as if you are planning a sensible exit from a career that doesn't suit you and he should respect that - and support you.

Is he negative in other ways? He doesn't sound like a very pleasant person.

Trifleorbust · 21/10/2016 19:49

What's he going to do if you explain again that your mental health is at risk and, with or without his support, you are going to find a job that doesn't place it further at risk?

RandomMess · 21/10/2016 19:49

I think the real issue is getting through to him that you just cannot carry on anymore and it's better to leave than have a breakdown Sad

Can you be thick skinned enough to ignore the put downs about potential new jobs and accept you are right and he is wrong? Teaching will always be there for you in the future should you want to go back.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/10/2016 19:50

Would you consider another school before a move out of teaching altogether?

Twatty · 21/10/2016 19:52

It is your MH not your dh. Change job.

How is your dh in the rest of your relationship? Does he play an active role in domestic life? Is he controlling in other ways?

opinionatedfreak · 21/10/2016 19:52

Take some time out - sounds like sick leave might be appropriate and make your decision from a good place not an ill place.

I've made some bad employment decisions when stressed at work.

defineme · 21/10/2016 19:54

Can you reduce your hours? Are you in a core subject? I am a GCSE English intervention tutor with flexible hours and no more than 4 kids at a time. I get supply rates and make pension contributions etc with no stress, marking and minimal prep. When I was a sahm for 7 years I did exam marking and private evening tuition. Would a new school be better?

AyeAmarok · 21/10/2016 19:56

As an alternative, have you looked into some therapy that will help you to find ways of coping with the stresses of the job?

You might leave for another teaching job and find its the same there, is all I'm saying. And then you'll be stressed and have less money as well, so even worse.

Does your husband help share the load of house and DC?

Astro55 · 21/10/2016 19:57

I do wonder if men see only the issue from their point of view - if you don't work school hours he'll have to have the toddler in the holidays - you won't be home cleaning in the days off etc -

It's not his choice - it's yours!

HappyJanuary · 21/10/2016 19:58

I think it should be a joint decision since it impacts household income.

Most women would be worried if their DH dropped down to pt hours, and then started looking for a career change that necessitated a further drop in income.

Perhaps he is genuinely anxious himself about the increased financial responsibility on him.

I think you should find ways to manage your workload or find a way to make sure that the new job pays the same as teaching, working more hours perhaps.

itispersonal · 21/10/2016 20:01

Could you look into doing supply teaching part time?? So doing the job you are good at ;the teaching, without the stress of being tied to a school!

It might still involved a drop in income but you aren't making a harsh career change whilst you aren't feeling completely yourself.

yesterdaysunshine · 21/10/2016 20:03

I am sympathetic to both sides of the story here.

My friend had a similar story to you and her DH said 'leave.'
She said 'what about the mortgage?'
He said 'you let me worry about that.'

He is a saint.

But realistically he also knew he could cover the mortgage IYSWIM.

How many days do you do?

junebirthdaygirl · 21/10/2016 20:07

Was going to suggest you do tutoring to keep finances going. Teaching is not possible with anxiety. The nature of the work makes it too difficult. Have you been totally honest with your dh as to how stressed you are? Is there any opportunities in your school for working with smaller groups which would lessen the strain. Do get some counselling too as giving up a job is quite common among people who are depressed only to be sorry when they recover.

JoJoSM2 · 21/10/2016 20:08

How did you find it in previous jobs or before you had DC? Perhaps just changing to a nicer school would make a difference? Have you also considered therapy? I think it'd be quite important in your situation - either on your own or couple's therapy. I'm sorry your husband is being so difficult about it.

TheoriginalLEM · 21/10/2016 20:09

HappyJanuary - are you for real? Find ways to manage her workload??? Have you ever taught? What do you think she does on her "time off" oh yes, she looks after her toddler, which is pretty demanding in itself. I bet she spends the weekends catching up with housework too because that will all fall to her as he works full time.

Yes it should be discussed but the OPs mental health is at risk here, where will her DH be if she has a breakdown and not only cannot work at all, but quite possibly rendered unable to look after their child as well??

OP - your DH needs to get his head out of his arse, it is almost ime, just as, if not more demanding to work part-time and juggle the household needs as well, you are torn most of the time and I am willing to bet you are prepping and marking at home.

I would get signed off from work for a short time and really assess your options. NOTHING is worth sacrificing your mental health for, because if this breaks you, it wont go away if you leave, it will stay with you for a long time.

I speak from experience of sacrificing my MH for a job, employers gave not one fuck about me. Thankfully my DP is supportive and was instrumental in making a stand and getting me out.

Longdistance · 21/10/2016 20:13

Get yourself signed off for stress.

Your employer isn't allowed to discriminate against this.

In the meantime, recoup and take some time out, whilst considering your next move, be it another job teaching, or another job completely Flowers

Cary2012 · 21/10/2016 20:14

I work in a huge High School, it is relentless.
I'm full time, but believe me our part time teachers put in the same hours.
I regularly work 14 hour days.

If I was you, I'd do private tuition.

Your DH copes with the pressure, that's great but irrelevant; you're not so make changes. Your health is your priority.

PaperdollCartoon · 21/10/2016 20:18

This is so difficult. You definitely do need to change your job, but I wonder if your DH is actually really worried about the drop in money and isn't expressing it very well? That or he's just being a total arse, but let's try the nicer options first

yesterdaysunshine · 21/10/2016 20:19

Problem is if the DH did start to feel the pressure then he's committed to keep going because his is the only income.

I do appreciate its hard for you OP, but PT is a compromise of sorts. But it's a shame it's one that isn't working.

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 21/10/2016 20:19

go to your GP for a chat

Beeziekn33ze · 21/10/2016 20:21

See your doctor, you're not well.
Wishing you all the best, change is possible.

Believeitornot · 21/10/2016 20:22

The DH isn't being supportive at all. Not about the OP's mental issues or the fact she needs to change career.

He's acting as if he is the benchmark for dealing with stress and if he can cope then others can

OP what kind of pay cut would you be looking at? Can you explain to him exactly how you are feeling in very plain English?

Is he normally unsympathetic? Does he empathise with others at all?

ChocChocPorridge · 21/10/2016 20:24

DP has been in this position (although he was the full timer).

There was no choice - he was hating his job, I told him we'd figure it out, I would go full time, whatever, but we would make it work - that I preferred to have him happy, than him grumpy and the money.

A supportive partner would be able to see that this isn't working, and would help you find a solution.

helpimitchy · 21/10/2016 20:25

Sign off sick.

Plan a new career path.

Perhaps look at taking an easier non teaching job in the meantime when you come off the sick. You could search whilst you're off.

Don't wait until you're at crisis point and having a mental breakdown. Your dh doesn't sound very supportive, so you need to take care of things yourself.

Xenadog · 21/10/2016 20:26

OP you need to get out before you burn out. Whilst you are coping you're in the position to make rational choices but it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to hold it together for too much longer. I would hand in my resignation, sign on with a supply agency, get some tuition lined up and think about doing some exam marking over the summer. Even if you don't bring in as much money as you do currently you should be able to bring in a decent amount so the financial pressures are eased as well as the relentless grind of day to day working.

You could even consider becoming a TA or HLTA and whilst neither role would bring in the same sort of salary you're used to it has the benefits of giving you term time work without the teacher stress. This may be something to consider long term once your DC is at school and you don't have to pay childcare.

Ultimately you need to leave what you're doing but if financial pressures are going to create more stress you do need a proper exit plan with ways to earn more money. It can be done and you need to make your health your priority.