Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

[totslepots]

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

Can you not talk to your school? You say they don't know you are struggling etc - maybe they would be more supportive if they knew you needed the support? If you enjoyed it before ...no reason why you can't again ...the toddler years are tough. If you were struggling before that's different definitely look for a career change but do it from a calm and collected position...take sick leave and have a serious discussion with your DH - take him to the GP with you if nec...

I quit my similar teaching job when I realised that I could make the exact same money per month (after childcare) by tutoring 5 sessions a week at home. That's what I did. I have since moved into other things but there are so many other things you can do. Really hope your DH can see this from your POV.

If your mental health is seriously at stake, then leave.
You say that financially, you will be able to cope for a while, this will give you ample time to pick up, somewhere else.
Your DH, probably is concerned about money, but would surely be devastated, if you became ill, and he also had to leave his job !
Do the right thing OP. 💐

Have you thought about part time supply teaching?

That's what I do now, so much better for work life balance and mental health.

Tutoring sounds like an option if you teach an in demand subject. Or I have a friend who had issues with maintaining discipline who made a successful move from secondary science to primary, without any formal retraining. Might that work for you?

I do supply and tbh you can't live on it. Maybe if you have family to do free childcare.

I don't think you've done everything you can to try to relieve the pressure. This is understandable as when you're under a lot of stress you can't see any way out. If you are suffering from work related stress (I have posted exactly this on a different thread tonight already!) your employer has a duty of care to support you. It is hard to admit you aren't coping. You'd be surprised how many others aren't either - but it's not just a teacher thing you have to suck up, you might all have a similar workload but at different times you will cope with it differently. How part time are you?

he clearly doesnt support u or understand mental health

if you carry on everyone will suffer including him

It is not his choice. He doesn't get to "let you" leave. You just leave ...There is always something else if you have work experience and qualifications.

Going off sick is not necessarily a trouble free option. You'll have to disclose sick leave to some future employers.

I was a teacher and a very good one. I then had a year of nursing my younger sister through stage 4 cancer, 5 years of infertility and then 6 miscarriages in 18 months before finally having a DD. My mental health was shot. I am no longer the strong person I was. I am an anxious over protective worrier with health anxiety. Although I am now a very good mother. If I had tried to do both I would have been a shit mother and a shit teacher. We have made cutbacks and we live ok on my husband's wage. Family life is calmer and everyone is happy. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Not a teacher and havnt RTFT, but I just wanted to sympathise with you. I have been struggling with my job and yesterday reached a point where I thought I can't go on or I will end up giving myself a breakdown. I've been to the doctors and signed myself off work for a week and will get more if I need to. I've decided no job is worth risking my health. DP didn't understand at first and thought I should 'just get on with it' which made me think I was overreacting. However he's now starting to see quite how bad I am. Time away and a change is the best option.

I teach and I'm not underestimating the stress but I think you'll regret leaving without exhausting other possibilities.

Talk to your Head. They'd rather support you than recruit a replacement. Take some time off to regroup.

I know a number of people who left but found that the grass wasn't greener. Other jobs have their own stresses, often with less job security, worse pensions and fewer holidays.

Your DH may be concerned about making ends meet if your new career doesn't work out, or the short-term pay cut ends up lasting longer than anticipated. I doubt he's unconcerned about your MH, but he may feel that your MH could be exacerbated by financial pressures or an unsuccessful career change.

Your husband is being selfish and unsupportive. Surely the health and wellbeing of his wife should be his only priority?

Leave your husband he is a controlling arsehole who puts the pennies before your health. What Happens when you have a nervous breakdown it's only a matter of time

Blimey

I do think people can be too quick to throw away a career you must have trained a long time for, and which does give you chunks of time at home each year, and in your case at home with your dh too.
Involve work and see if things can be made better - what have you got to lose? You can always resign if they don't improve. I wouldn't want to accept my dh resigning without having tried all options first, as we would stand to lose too much.

Your dh isn't very supportive, work and money are nothing if you haven't got your health.
I'm so sorry your dh is making you feel cornered, you deserve better than this.
leave the job and do what it takes to make you happy.

I left secondary teaching for similar reasons. I did primary supply covering ppa time mainly, but also longer term cover which I enjoyed for a while. I have now left teaching completely and I am much happier.

Life is too short to be so stressed and miserable in a career that it impacts on your relationship with you family. Nearly losing mine taught me that.

Your husband isn't your keeper,he doesn't own you and your not a child so he needs to learn that your supposed to be equals and he should be more concerned for your health and welfare and should be supporting you with your decision.

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.I used to teach but never secondary,I know alot of the secondary schools in our area have been struggling with holding onto they're teachers.

Do you want to come out of teaching or do you think you'd like to carry on teaching but maybe look at another school?

It's your mental health, not his. He doesn't sound very supportive. I'm a teacher who used to work in a challenging London school with awful behaviour. I couldn't hack it. I moved further out and now work in a school where I don't get verbally or physically abused! It's less stressful but I do wish I had the confidence to find a new profession. Maybe try a different school?

Thanks everyone for your responses. In reply to some questions:
I definitely want to leave the profession. The more I get to know myself and the older I get, the more I realise that I've never really been cut out for it mentally or emotionally. That my anxiety flares up as a result of the job. Before DC I managed to control it, but having a toddler and doing the job is a whole new ball game for me.

I teach 3 days a week and have to work at home around 4 evenings a week to keep up with the marking. I teach a core subject which is very marking heavy, unlike my husbands subject. Although he has his own challenges of course.

Husband is very reluctant when it comes to change and is quite unsupportive when it comes to dealing with issues that require some change. I've learnt not to rely on him for much support when in times like these really.

In other aspects of my life,I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Had a great summer with my family, ate healthily, exercised, laughed a lot, socialised with friends. Then I go back to work and I've no time for hobbies, feel mentally drained everyday, I eat crap and have no time for exercise.

I can just about handle the stresses of the job when life is pretty ordinary and uneventful, but I can't seem to manage when there are my own children to consider and things going on on my own life.

I have known many teachers who have left (or been forced out) due to MH problems. You need to jump before there is any chance of you being pushed. Supply teaching may be a good way forward.

However, several people have suggested that you do private tutoring. As a private tutor myself, this is a completely different skill-set which teachers, who are used to a whole-class environment where you do not have much to do with parents, may find challenging. You also would have to consider the whole aspect of self-employment along with tax, NI, resources, marketing or else join an agency in which case someone else takes a cut.

It sounds like it is too much to ask of you, this job.

I'd consider a 3 day a week + 4 evenings to be a very full time job. I think the part time designation's a red herring.

No wonder you're stressed and knackered.

Yes, you make a good point. Any teachers with MH issues have been pushed out of my school too, so better for me to keep quiet. If my school find out how I'm feeling, I've no doubt life will become much more challenging for me, before I'm left with no choice but to leave because I've cracked up.

I had this in another job and went into teaching instead. I would say try to make the change as soon as you can. For me teaching was the right move but I was so miserable, anxious and overloaded in my previous career that it affected every part of my life. Thankfully DH was incredibly supportive but I would have had to have done it even without his support.