Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

[totslepots]

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

OP, do you keep finances separate with you struggling to pay childcare from your wage? Or does it come out of the family pot?

It all comes put of one family pot, I don't pay for childcare out of my own wages, just to make that clear! I meant that with me working, childcare costs are half my income alone.

Don't give up your career.. Ask for support from the school.
If you feel you have to have a change look at alternatives. Teachers of SEN students will only teach one to one or small groups at the most. There isn't the marking load and you don't have to prepare huge number of resources.
With respect, think about how single or divorced parents cope. They don't have the luxury of not working. Don't turn your back permanently on your career. There may come a time when you need it to survive.

OP your life would be so much easier if your husband was supportive and caring. He is not. Which is not good at all for your mental well-being.

Frankly he sounds obstructive, critical and unsupportive...which adds up to 'non-caring' in my book. He should be anxious to find solutions to your unhappiness, since your unhappiness would make a normal loving husband feel protective and concerned. He is supposed to love you isn't he? And that entails a certain amount of concern for your happiness. Plus you are doing all that hard work looking after your toddler - so it sounds as if you work much harder and much longer hours than him anyway.

Do you not have a husband problem as much as a work problem OP? It doesn't sound as if he is on your team. That concerns me as much as your work environment.

You seem intent on giving up a career without seeking help for your health condition first. If you were single, you wouldn't have the luxury of his income allowimg you that choice.

Your DH has made it clear he is not willing to shoulder the financial responsibility alone or take an even further decline in standard of living than the part time work took it too. That's not wrong of him. Likewise you wanting to switch jobs is not wrong either. Compromise would be the key, find something with the same wage so that both are happy.

Just deciding to quit or take a pay cut isnt any better than him dictating.

I do think there are some harsh comments directed at op's DH.

He was happy for op to cut down to part time hours, and to spend half her income on childcare that he feels is an unnecessary household expense since his parents are offering free childcare.

Why isn't he allowed to say, as many of us on here have, that he doesn't think it's a good idea for op to give up her career and reduce her earning potential even further?

Op, when you say he's unsupportive is he simply telling you to pull yourself together, not caring when you're upset and so on? Has he suggested any alternative solutions at all?

You don't have to answer this OP but I'm guessing you teach English. If so I totally understand the amount of marking. It can take me 30 minutes to mark a piece of extended writing, so a class of books can take me most of a Sunday. It is ridiculous.

I also appreciate how hard it is not having your own classroom and base. Constantly moving around, in a room that isn't set out as you like, having to cart books etc around.

Our school is on a huge site, our PT teachers don't have their own classrooms. I understand how difficult this is.

I nearly lost my nerve when I had to cover a bottom set year 10 class a couple of weeks ago, The behaviour was appalling, I coped, held it together, managed to get them settled, but inside I was shaking, thinking "I can't do this." It was the last period, and I went home and howled like a baby.

I think most teachers, at some time, have felt this.

I'm a single mum, I can't afford to get out. I also do private tuition, and it's much more satisfying, because the students want to learn.

If I was you, I would get out, and do private tuition whilst you consider your options and possible career switch.

Long time stress related illness is a concern at our school. I have seen brilliant, dedicated teachers buckle under the pressure, it's a real shame.

Mostly I enjoy my job, but I no longer love it. If I could afford to, I'd get out. I totally understand and empathise with you.

January, of course the husband has a right to have his views heard. But that also means he needs to take on board the views of the OP.

He needs to give weight to her concerns about his parents' ability to do safe childminding, to her concerns about her health, to her estimate that they can afford to live on less money. And otoh she needs to listen to his concerns about what a life on less money would be like, to his concerns about what changes would have to be made if she worked in the evenings.

Thanks all. A lot of comments are advising me not to give up on my career etc etc. It's genuinely not the career for me and nothing will be lost in that sense, I'll always have it to fall back on if I ever become a single mum etc etc. I've spent a lot of time with a careers advisor and analysed my strengths etc and we both agreed that a career in teaching was always a bad choice. It's just that the feelings have become intensified with the extra challenges of a family also.
I definitely see everyone's opinion on my husbands worries being valid, but I'm not likely to jeopardise our income massively... I am going to have to take a pay cut though. I think the comment about finding another job that pays the same is naive thougg... it's difficult for me to do that now as I earn very good pay on teachers payscale. A teacher can't leave teaching and just "find a job that pays the same" it doesn't work like that. I'd have to re-train as something else.

Can you leave without relying on your husband? Obviously you should be able to rely on him but you can't, and that seems unlikely to change. So, what do you need to do to be able to leave?

If you want to retrain, does that mean you'll be earning nothing for a while? Will you need childcare? Will it take away your family time? What are realistic earnings?

Teaching may not be the right career for you - it seems a bad choice for someone who has anxiety and i was advised against it for that reason. However, it may be that you don't have the luxury of a career change because you made a bad decision. You should, of course, but it seems your husband either doesn't want to support you or doesn't think he could cope with being the sole earner whilst you retrained.

Staying doesn't seem to be an option for you so I think you need to come up with a definite plan, that doesn't depend on him, and then start putting it into place. He has no right to veto because it won't impact him.

I supported DP when he realised he'd trained in the wrong thing. I'd asked him to consider if he was studying the right thing multiple times, but it wasn't until he was actually in the thick of it that he realised he couldn't do it. Not helping him through it wasn't an option, but it put an immense amount of pressure on me to be supporting us both, and I suffered for it. I really loved my job, too. It was also very hard not to get glimmers of resentment when I was working my fingers to the bone and getting up at the crack of dawn keeping everything going and he seemed to have it so much easier. We got through it, and we can laugh about it now, but it's testing. You've got the added pressures of a child.

Where are your DPs? Could you go home whilst you retrain?

You know it is the right choice. You've thought it through. You've taken professional advice. You know the budget can work. He doesn't understand how you feel for some reason. He is risk averse.

Change job.

You are very clear that you don't want to stay in this job, you are not making a rash decision here, you'I've clearly done all the thinking and researching.

Now if you consider that decision made, the next is what you will do next? Have you decided? I think you should put all your efforts into deciding and getting the role you want.

Ignore the husband's views for now, just focus on getting the position you want so you can resign from your current role.

It's genuinely not the career for me

My mental health is in bits as a result

There was a recent thread on MN about people who loved their jobs. I was quite surprised to see a few teachers! But its really not for everyone. The first statement means you need to leave. The second that you need to leave asap.

I haven't read all the posts re. your relationship with your DH, but I think its not too much to expect him to be sympathetic to your situation and support you to find a way to change things. I don't think your problem is an unsolveable situation if two people really want to resolve it. Your £500 net monthly gain (minus all the other extras for school e.g. union dues, etc mentioned by an earlier poster) wouldn't be that difficult to find in another part-time job! I think you just have to try and be strong and resolved about it, and your husband will just have to accept it.

I think you just have to try and be strong and resolved about it, and your husband will just have to accept it.

End of.

P.S. Could you find an encouraging friend to help you apply for other jobs?

I didn't have a husband but I did have a mortgage so I carried on until I was absolutely broken. Don't do that.

Leave.

Your health, your child, they are worth more than a job. The husband - not so sure.

Change schools first. Try to find a job on the same pay. That moght end up being ft, but at least your dh is at home for the holidays so child care isnt an issue then.

I left teaching just over a year ago after doing it for 12 years. I was secondary too. I was part time 3 days a week in the last 2 years and that still didn't reduce my workload enough.

I now work 9-5 in an office (albeit related to teaching and education) with 5 weeks holiday. I don't regret it, not even a little bit. I don't miss the holidays because I can take a break whenever I need instead staggering towards each half term.

I speak to teachers every day and you are definitely not alone. Teachers are leaving at a rapid rate due to workload and MH issues. I couldn't be a mum and a teacher. Despite now being full time I get more time with them now.

Your DH needs to understand that if you have a breakdown you won't be earning anything at all. Having a reduced income must be better than you becoming ill, surely he can see that? A relative of mine who was a teacher in a similar situation to you, had a breakdown which ended up with her being sectioned and has been unable to work in any job since. Her DH was a bit like yours and just couldn't see how unwell she had become because of the stress of her job.

Spoken to my husband this afternoon about getting an initial evening and weekens job for now, just to get me out of my current situation and then look for other work for the long term. Thia would save on childcare costs! He has said that he's not willing to look after DC at weekends as he has a weekend hobby that is "very important to him."

He's actually really selfish isn't he.

He's selfish to be unwilling to discuss you leaving your current job.

But what you're suggesting is likely to result in more stress IMO.

Do you really want your dh at work all day, then you working evenings and weekends?

When will you have time as a family, or as a couple?

When will either of you have any leisure time? You'll either be working or looking after a toddler.

What does he suggest, given that you can't stay in your current job?

If you're determined to go down this route, could his parents have your DC for one day in the week and one day on the weekend, so you both get some down time?

Yes. They're his kids. What does he mean he 'isn't willing to look after them'??

I suppose he doesn't want to work demanding full time teaching hours and then look after the children by himself every evening and weekend for the foreseeable future.

But the OP works a demanding part time job, does childcare all week and looks after the kids the whole weekend and that's meant to be fine?

Do you really want your dh at work all day, then you working evenings and weekends?

Why ? OP is willing to work all day with a toddler then go to work - at least DH has their bedtime to chill out - OP won't!!

And what about OP leisure time? She's not even asking for any as far as I can see -

I knew this would be about him and his needs - leave him - work when he has contact ...

Presumably evening and weekend childcare is currently shared