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Original poster

Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

160 replies

totslepots · 21/10/2016 19:45

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 22/10/2016 18:01

wow.tutorhhunt.com

£25 per hour (more if you're in London or the southeast, and prob more anyway as a qualified teacher). 5-6 hours a week and you'll be clearing the same as you do now. You could do that over one evening and a Saturday or Sunday morning. So you wouldn't be jeapordising his 'very important' hobby Hmm by working all weekend, you wouldn't have to pay for childcare, and you'd have the time to rest, recuperate and think about what you want to do next.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 22/10/2016 18:01

www, obviously. Not wow! Blush

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 18:02

My post concerns leisure time for both of them. No family or couple time, no leisure time for either of them, it sounds miserable. If op wants to choose that then that's her prerogative, but unfair to foist it on someone else and wonder why they won't comply.

Trifleorbust · 22/10/2016 18:04

Weekend care isn't shared if the OP getting a weekend job of any sort would jeopardise the 'important hobby'.

But that's not even the point. This is about the OP's mental health. Her husband needs to support her.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 22/10/2016 18:05

Grah. Spelled it wrong as well. Tutor hunt. I can't type with DS climbing on me.

Cary2012 · 22/10/2016 18:05

I've suggested private tutoring a couple of times, OP are you reluctant to try this? You could work round your family, money is good, especially if you don't go through an agency.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 18:07

Tutoring or one day pw supply infinitely better for the whole family IMO.

Similar wage, reduced stress, reduced childcare costs, school holidays, family life evenings/weekends.

But no, op simply has to get entirely away from teaching right now and her DH is selfish for not wanting a miserable existence where he never sees his wife.

Trifleorbust · 22/10/2016 18:09

The OP currently has a miserable existence. Her suggestions to her husband have been roundly rebuffed unless they meet his requirements to keep 'his' weekends and evenings free.

FurryGiraffe · 22/10/2016 18:14

But he hasn't complained that he'll never see his wife. His complaint is about his hobby.

DH works Saturdays (pretty much everyone in his profession does). Lots of people I know only have one day together at the weekend. Lots of people work most evenings (we both do lots of the time). It's not ideal and we basically get no individual leisure time. But needs must. I doubt the OP is thinking of working both weekend days and every evening. And as a teacher weekends and evenings are hardly quality time now.

SisterViktorine · 22/10/2016 18:15

I'm sure people have already said this, but have you considered changing sector before giving up on teaching altogether?

Would you try an independent school or a special school. Both are, IMO, more manageable and more rewarding than mainstream state. DH works in one sector, me the other, and neither of us would work in a mainstream state school for all the tea in china.

Original poster
totslepots · 22/10/2016 18:23

HappyJanuary: my Husband has made no suggestions whatsoever and seems reluctant to talk about anything. I can come home in tears after a hard day and he just appears to switch off from my moaning. I know he's no 100% happy either but he plays safe, doesn't like change etc. I'm so different to him though, I crave to be enjoying my job, he doesn't seem to care less whether he does or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
totslepots · 22/10/2016 18:24

I would consider private tuition and a change in sector. Definitely things I will look into, maybe just to initially 'get out.' But long term, I really want to try a new career. PR or something like that perhaps.

OP posts:
yesterdaysunshine · 22/10/2016 18:25

You cannot make a reliable living from tutoring and supply - it's really difficult. Fine if it's a useful second income; not fine if it's needed for the mortgage.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 18:25

Op has said that her main stresses are lack of sleep and the fact that she has nowhere to mark at school.

People have variously suggested - concerted effort to get her child into a better sleep pattern, discussing concerns with slt, moving to another school or sector, tutoring, supply or seeing the doctor about some stress-related time off.

Instead op's solution is working evenings and weekends, which would mean a drop in household income and a detrimental impact on family life.

I'm not saying it's impossible, and other people manage it, but I wouldn't want it and I don't blame her DH for not wanting it either.

Op, surely a compromise can be found that you can both live with? You want to leave right now and work evenings and weekends. Your DH wants you to stay in your current job and keep things as they are. Is there another solution?

yesterdaysunshine · 22/10/2016 18:26

I think the problem is, we can't necessarily have what we want when we want it.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 18:27

Yesterday, op only needs to earn £500pm to match what she earns now after childcare.

yesterdaysunshine · 22/10/2016 18:29

Okay, but doing that evenings and weekends might not be as straightforward as you think :) It depends where she lives and what the call for tutoring is.

yesterdaysunshine · 22/10/2016 18:30

And her subject / age group.

yesterdaysunshine · 22/10/2016 18:30

And (sorry to witter on!) many people don't want tutoring at a weekend which means effectively handing over to DH every evening which is tricky for him if he's a teacher.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 18:43

Yesterday, I'm not suggesting she works evenings and weekends. She has childcare in place and her pil are also available.

Op wants to leave teaching in order to work evenings/weekends in another role.

Original poster
totslepots · 22/10/2016 18:47

HappyJanuary... you list a load of solutions, yet you seem to be ignoring my main point.

I want a career change. Teaching fullstop is not for me.

This has been further confirmed by a professional who has been guiding me through my options and working with me to analyse strengths etc. We all have completely different sets of values to live by and I feel quite strongly about not staying in a career I dislike. But that's me.
I'm also happy for my husband to leave his career too as he also dislikes it, I'm happy to move to a smaller house etc, but he isn't. It depends what you value more in life, Greater financial assets, or happiness and a fulfilling job...
we probably share opposing values.
But thanks for some of the points you've made.

OP posts:
MistresssIggi · 22/10/2016 18:52

I think, given your OP, it seemed that ways to make you happier in the job you already have could have been useful - else why explain problems about rooms etc which are a problem in your job, not a problem every teaching job will come with. There are lots of threads in The Staffroom section here about what people want to leave to do/have done.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 19:04

So it's not the stresses of your job as originally outlined? You want a career change to pr or something, even if a dream teaching job came along?

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2016 19:06

Elderly PiL may be 'available'. Doesn't mean they're suitable.

The OP's husband appears to be somewhat self-centered, and generally a not-very-nice-man.

If I was that unhappy at work my DH would never have begrudged giving up his weekends to help (and as a by-product, spending time with his own child)

If you are teaching in an unsupportive 'tricky' school, your working day is a nightmare. And it doesn't compare easily to other difficult jobs. The OP is right to look for something else.

HappyJanuary · 22/10/2016 19:17

DC have two parents. One thinks pil are unsuitable for childcare, one doesn't.

It's important to be supportive when people post for advice I think, but there are other real people in the equation.

Op's DH wasn't selfish when she wanted to reduce her hours to 0.6, or when she wanted to spend household income on childcare he didn't feel was necessary, but he doesn't want her to work evenings and weekends so that she can pursue a career in pr.

I don't think it's helpful to paint him as the devil incarnate. They're in a partnership and any decision must be acceptable to them both, or separate if their outlook is fundamentally at odds.