Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

[totslepots]

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

Do you know what you want to do? Does it involve a lot of training and new qualifications?

Most professional jobs come with a level of stress, but if you have always managed your job in the past (I assume you were a teacher before having your child) and now can't, perhaps it's time to see your doctor. You may be suffering from PND - certainly, a lot of your symptoms look like depression and/or anxiety.

Get signed off properly (for longer) for stress and let the school know the reason so that your real problem is out in the open and you can talk about it. That will give you more time to plan your next move, you will have the relief of talking about it and your colleagues might have some other ideas for you.

Sit down and work out your finances to show your husband that this will not mean him working overtime or not being able to afford his hobbies (if that is the case).

Do consider whether you might be depressed. Speak to the doctor about your sleeping patterns, fears.

In what other ways have you felt alone in your marriage?

Leave your husband he is a controlling arsehole who puts the pennies before your health

Thats a bit uncalled for, her DH is obviously (understandably) concerned about their finances and that all the financial responsibility will fall on him, that could become stressful on him. Her DH is allowed a say in something that will considerably affect the way they live their lives.

OP, I agree with other PPL get signed off for stress, don't just jack your job in straight away.

It does sound like you've made your mind up, and need to leave. Maybe you could set yourself a deadline for handing in your notice and spend the intervening weeks/months working towards it and exploring your options - talk to your GP, talk to your HT, look at other teaching jobs in more supportive schools, keep working on your DH while showing him you're doing everything you can.

If you get to the deadline and still feel the same, leave. As you work 0.6 in teaching, could you work four days in your new job, to prevent a drop in household income?

If I was your DH I'd be sad that you won't be at home in the school holidays, all three of you together.

Leave your husband he is a controlling arsehole who puts the pennies before your health

Great advice....

Your DP, is seeing things from a practical level, as the financial impact of you quitting could be cataclysmic & make things worse. I think, if your health is not making you up for the job, you should see your GP. Good luck

Id say that much of the extra stress comes from a lack of sleep with a toddler, so not being on top form to deal with behaviour etc in the classroom, an overall toxic workplace, which became negative whilst I was off on mat leave (a lot of teachers dislike it) and the fact I have no classroom. For 18 months, I've had no set classroom to teach in and I'm all over the school. I have a huge trolley full of books to drag around with me and a bag of books etc. It's draining. I know that my MH is a product of this environment and having a toddler at home. I just can't hack it and am functioning purely on adrenaline.
It's pointless looking for other teaching jobs as I'm informed by teacher friends that other schools are just as difficult atm and that no part-time staff have set classrooms anywhere. I can't even get my planning/marking etc done at school, as I've nowhere to do it! So working at home in the evenings has become necessary.

I think it's so hard to do any job when you are the main care-giver with a toddler. I had to give up my job and do something completely different and less demanding while the kids were small- I managed to carry on until we had two DDs and they were 6 and 2, but was completely burned out. Now they are older I have been back in my career job for a few years now- there are still challenges but nothing is as hard for me as those toddler years.

I have found teaching with a toddler easier to do full time than part time because of the issues you describe - but I would definitely try a new school before giving up. All schools are not the same and your colleagues are just about the worst people to advise on that!

If most of the stress comes from lack of sleep and not having anywhere to mark at school, could you address those two main issues? A concerted effort to get your toddler into a good sleep pattern, and a conversation with slt? If you are struggling with nowhere to mark, then others are too, and will be glad you raised it. I feel your school would rather help you resolve this than recruit a replacement, but they need to understand how seriously it's affecting you.

In the meantime, I hope your DH does his bit when your toddler wakes at night?

I absolutely understand OP your need for a break, I'm not in teaching OP but I work in a stressful industry (deadlines, often taking work home etc) and I took a year out when DD was 3 until she started school, this was after we relocated to a cheaper place to live which meant I could afford to take break, and I was quitting my job due the relocation anyway.

For me it was a necessity, I worked full time after going back when DD was 3 months (in the days of no paid leave and thats all we could afford for me to take off). I was stressed, my DD was suffering, as was my company. I was burnt out, thankfully DH was supportive and after that year off I felt so much better. I did return to full time work and to the same industry, tbh though after a year of being a SAHM I was grateful for some metal stimulation and for the more financial security.

OP, I would just try and get your DH to understand your situation, just say over and over again that you need a break with the long term plan of moving into a different pathway away from teaching.

You do realise if you leave teaching you will lose the lovely long summers with your family? just putting it out there. My DH is a teacher & it can grate getting up at 6 for work in the holidays while the rest of the house hap[lily slumbers... All jobs have their negatives and nothing except teaching provides the long break when your kids are off school.

OP likely to be entitled to 6 months of full pay if signed off, which is financially preferable to resigning.
Sorry but it's rubbish to say no part time staff have a classroom, orbthat no schools are better than others. Also large numbers of any group will have mh issues such as depression, they will not all have been forced out of your school though it may have happened in a few cases (though sounds illegal).
You've identified a very clear issue at work that adds up your stress - different rooms, no set place to work - this is the kind of thing a school can address, especially with the boot up the arse of you been off with work related stress.

I'm a teacher. About 4 years ago, l was off with anxiety for 6 months. I felt everything that you feel.

Unfortunately there was just no way l could leave as people are suggesting on here, as we couldn't afford it.

I recovered and went back to work. I had no choice. 4 years later I'm ok. Not fantastic but ok. On my return, l decided only to do essential work, or bits l wanted to do.

This had no effect on results whatsoever. Results were fine. What lm trying to say is, that teaching affected my mental health to the point that I receive Access to Work money from this tight arsed government. But l had no choice but to carry on. Once l'd changed my mindset, it was ok.

It might be preferable for you to just take a break, OP, rather than going off with stress. That will have to be declared to future employers, whereas a few months or a year or two out of teaching to recover your energy and establish your routines with the kids is completely understandable. If you are doing the majority of child related work at home, your DH really does need to support you.

Also, l'm part time and l have a set classroom for most lessons, although l do move around between 3 classrooms. But so does everyone.

Surely you are only moving round between classrooms in your department?

Can't you get the kids to mark their work? We have a policy in our school to reduce marking workload. So kids mark their own work on the whole. We check it and mark it at the end of the project properly

Have you really done the maths?
If you are paying for childcare..plus the hours you work at home and the hidden costs of working, you are probably working for very little, with two kids in this situation I found I was clearing £ 20 a month...!!! Really !
You may well just be working for your pension and a few pound over.
In retrospect it would have been better to give up for a few years and then go back to it when I had the emotional and physical resources to cope better.
Don't let it break you, no-one will be grateful for that.

Exactly half of my income alone goes on childcare costs. Husband argues that it's my choice to give up half my earnings as he's quite happy to send our DC to be looked after by his elderly parents instead.

They are too old and forgetful however to look after DC on a regular basis and I feel much happier with DC being in nursery than with them. But again, husband argues that this is my choice to give up half my income and not allow them to look after our toddler, which is very frustrating. He just sees the practical side of everything and doesn't empathise with my worries or reservations abut much at all.

In total, I bring home around £500 per month as a result. I've argued that I'd rather find evening work that allows me to bring home the same and DC not go to nursery than carry on with this. But my husband isn't happy for me to work in the evenings.

Someone mentioned summer holidays: I won't miss them, as 6 weeks is a long time to spend with husband and young children! We have a lot of fun, but it does have its drawbacks. I'd be quite happy with a couple of family days with a few days of work in between tbh. I really want to work, I just can't do this job. It's destroying me.

In terms of classrooms, I have to teach all over the school in other subject classrooms. It's a huge site aswell, so it's very tiring dragging everything around and then trying to quieten a class that have been waiting for you in the corridor for 5 minutes.

I feel similarly about my job as a social worker and I feel a real affinity with my teacher friends.
When I get very stressed or upset about work, my dh says "just leave if you want to, we will cope"
That alone makes me feel able to keep going, I'd hate to be trapped in a job that's making me ill.

You keep using terms like "let me" when talk g about your dh. He seems very controlling.
If you prefer an evening job then get one, he's your dh not your father.

TheNaze, what can a GP do if the OP is simply worn out by work that is unsuited to her? They are not wizards, they don't have magic wands.

Not everybody can do every kind of job, and the kind of job we can do changes with age and health. When I was younger I used to do manual work on building sites and I was absolutely fine. If I tried that now, after two childbirths and a certain amount of ageing, it would probably kill me in three days. If I went to see my GP, he couldn't do anything about that.

In the same way, the OP is no longer (at least at the moment) suited for a career in teaching. That is a probably true of a lot of the population.

What the OP and her dh need to do is communicate. They need to sit down and do mental spreadsheets considering all the factors. How much is the OP making now and how much is she spending on childcare? How much could she make up in saving if she tried a different job? How much would the family stand to lose if she had a breakdown and was unable to work at all? (factor in not only loss of earnings but also fulltime cost of childcare for toddler) It should be clear that this is the outcome they want to avoid at all costs - so what other options are there? How would the family cope with a potential loss in earnings? It is not for every family this would be cataclysmal: I couldn't work much when dd was ill and we managed- we just had to put some careful thinking in.

I too am a teacher of a core subject with huge marking (English). I have struggled with MH.

I think your first port of call should be your GP. Now, I am in Scotland, so it may be different, but if you are signed off sick here you get 6 months on full pay, then 6 on half. I think your school is to blame for some of your problems and, as your employer, they should be working to address the issues. One classroom, for example. Support with managing marking (I have loads of short cuts I can share) etc.

Your DH sounds like an arse but there are other options before just leaving. Career break (we can take up to 2 years and get old job back, 5 years and get job in same authority). Teaching fits round kids and your toddler won't be a toddler forever and will be at school soon.

It is totally unacceptable for your husband to say childcare 'comes out' of your wages because you are not willing to agree to a particular childcare solution advocated by him. You are both parents to you children and whatever solution is adopted needs to be jointly adopted. He is sounding more and more like a complete douchebag.

Well there are far easier jobs where you could earn £500 per month that's for sure, but worth also looking ahead to a time when you won't have childcare costs, and also consider the impact on your pension.

Personally I would look into doing supply instead, using his parents as childcare.

One day a week would give you a similar income, and allow you to keep your hand in should you wish to return to a kinder school in the future.

Exactly half of my income alone goes on childcare costs
In total, I bring home around £500 per month as a result.

You probably don't you know
Do you have to run a car to get to work ? £200+ per month
you need "Work clothes"
quick meals / takeaways because you are too tired / busy to cook
staffroom subs
gift collections
packed lunches
union subs

work do's
clothes for work do's
and ..just buying that pack of post-its , pencils ..great poster..etc that you don't claim back
cards and sweets for the class as treats ...
and on and on......