Husband isn't going to let me leave my job

[totslepots]

I'm a mum to a toddler and also part-time teacher. I've been back at work for 18 months since having DC and I'm finding it harder and harder.
My mental health is in bits as a result, I keep getting the shakes and find myself having to sleep through a lot of the weekend to recover. I work at a challenging secondary school and today, I've been sworn at by a parent and a student and struggled to control a class that behaved like a box of frogs.
I'm exhausted by the end of the day and my days off with my toddler are spent trying to gain back some energy by staying close to home. My other mum friends have the energy for activities and meet-ups and I just need some quiet time.
My school are aware of behavioural issues but are doing little to resolve them, they have no idea how much I'm struggling and I'm considered a good Teacher with lots of good results and observations. But inside I'm a wreck. I'm also tired of working in the evenings after a hard day.

My husband is a teacher also and works full time, be believes I'm 'lucky' to be part time. He faces his own challenges at his school, but he just won't accept that I'm not like him, I'm not as strong as he is and I'm living on the edge.
I've been browsing jobs with the help of a careers person so I'm not bein at all brash and considering all my options. However, it would seem I'm going to have to take am initial pay cut to leave the profession. Husband wont agree. We can afford to live on a bit less, but he won't accept it and subtly finds every negative he can for any job I consider applying for. I feel cornered.

What should I do? I've already had time off sick for this although the school have no idea of the real reason I was off. I'm at breaking point and I'm getting snappy with students, staff, husband and my toddler. I don't know what to do?

OP I did a PGCE and DH was very bum faced when I said that I couldn't face teaching. In the end I had to tell him it was a done deal; the urge to keep driving into the sunset on my last placement scared me.

So I packed it in anyway and have a different job. Pay not so good but we're managing. And DH is fine about it now too.

So I'd say go for it. Things will work out.

Is there any chance at all your husband has Aspergers? He sounds very like someone I know.

I think if he does, then it's likely you will find any job difficult because it can be a lonely life being married to someone like this. If you think there is any chance he might have it, you need to stop trying to "discuss" things, he needs to see it written down and you will need support to get through this.

Apologies if I am completely wrong, I am just going by what you said in your posts. All the best.

I walked out of my PGCE because I was cracking up, DH wasn't happy as I hadn't discussed it but as I then spent a few days just crying I think he got the message.

If you teach English you could do well out of private tutoring I've been struggling to find a good English tutor for years. You might even be able to deals to start with (eg. Mum watches your baby while you tutor their child).

But you "DH" may also be part of the problem. I wonder how he'd cope with contact on his weekends?

3luckystars: I've suspected Aspergers for a couple of years now. Actually really surprised you've detected this from my posts. He certainly has traits. He has been an unreliable support for me when I've had problems in the past. I've just learnt to seek help and support elsewhere now, I've used services such as counselling, careers advisors, CBT, coaching to give me the support he doesn't give for a number of years now. I've learned it's what I have to do; no relationship is perfect though hey. He does have his positives honestly, but they shine through when life is going well, not so much when it isn't.

I think that's your main problem and not the job. Its can be a lonely life if you don't get support, and I just want to wish you all the best.
Google "cassandra phenomenon" and look after yourself pet x

It's a tricky one and I empathise completely as I have been in your position with my job. Ironically my DW was in a similar position to you, part time teacher (21 hrs) with a school age child. She wasn't very helpful at all to be honest. I wanted out and she could have taken up the strain with more hours or a full time role to help me with this and she said she would but here we are 2 years on and she hasn't so I'm in the same job with th same stress although have changed things a bit to suit me and manage it all better now. To be honest I found the lesson from it is never rely on someone else, even those closest to you.

OP, would you think about a career break, rather than stopping work altogether?

If you're really stressed & feeling close to losing it, perhaps now isn't the time for making a very final & rational decision about your future.

I also found working during the toddler years hellish; I was exhausted & frazzled. You are right at the most difficult point. If you can hang in there, perhaps having some sick time or a career break, I can promise you it will be so much easier in a year.

I also think you need to see a Dr, or occupational health at work. Does your union offer any support?

I wonder if your DP would support you better if there was more of a compromise & not the finality of ending your teaching career.

I'm slightly pissed off by this idea that if OP and her husband are both working, the cost of childcare is related to her wages but not his. External childcare is required because he is not at home to look after the kids either ...

OP, if you do work evenings make sure you have a plan to stop doing so fast. It really doesn't do a relationship any good and will mean you are working 12 hours plus a day.

I totally get why you would want to stop teaching altogether even if it means downscaling. If you don't change your line of work now you will find yourself at 40+ in a job you hate, knowing it is too late to start a new career, and you'll be that bored, tired teacher going through lessons on automatic.If you make it that long without your mental health problems turning into physical ones.

Get the spreadsheets out and take time off to plan things, including that killer argument that will make your husband realise you are not expecting him to work himself to death while you sit on your arse.

Op has said that the cost of childcare comes out of the family pot.

There's a huge difference in teaching a core subject at secondary to childminding.

I would have been a dreadful childminder, but I was quite good at teaching.

A teacher can't leave teaching and just "find a job that pays the same" it doesn't work like that. I'd have to re-train as something else.

TBF that isn't always true and it happened to me from ups1 plus tlr2. I accept it was pretty lucky and it was also pre-dc so obviously my new job was full time and demanding. It is also something that would be trickier to get into now because of government funding cuts.

Sales is always something that teachers can walk straight into for educational type companies but it isn't for everyone (I couldn't do it) and finding part time immediately would probably be impossible.

But if you hate teaching of course you have to leave. It isn't a job you can do if your heart isn't in it.

I would make a terrible childminder, I taught secondary for a reason!

I didn't retrain at all. And my pay cut was only slight and only because I was on ups2. The best bit is I leave work at 5 and that's it until the next day!

There are loads of transferable skills in teaching- project management, presenting, problem solving etc.

OP, you have mentionitis about the 'careers professional' - are they significant?

Poor you ! I'm sorry if I sound harsh towards your DH but under no circumstances would a man , husband or not be dictating my career choice to me . If you want to stay at home with baby you should be able to , if you want to get a job that doesn't drain your mental health and gives you more time with your child , again you should be able to !
Tell him this is what is happening for the sake of me , our child and our family !! If he makes a big scene over that he's very selfish ! Our children are only little one .
I personally tried to do far too much when my DD was little and I can't tell you the relief I felt when I dropped it all and got a part time retail job . I was happy and so was DD .

I think that what stands out for me from your OP is that you find that you can't really enjoy your days off with your toddler. Which makes the whole idea of pt teaching pointless. If you are tired and miserable anyway, what's the point?

I was a teacher (primary SLT with class responsibility) and, in the last couple of years I was doing it, found myself perilously close to burnout. Constantly stressed, pounding heart, pains in my chest and stomach, finding it harder and harder to generate those good lesson ideas... I found maternity leave a blissful relief and an absolute rest-cure; I was suddenly 'myself' again. To cut a long story short I ended up not returning to teaching. I got a new job (office based) and have never looked back.

The problem with solutions such as the OP switching to a different school or sector is that pt positions would be hard to find and she is likely to lose salary anyway by that move, as teachers no longer carry their positions on the pay spine with them. I calculated that although my new salary was less than my pay on the leadership spine, it was fairly similar to what I would have got by switching to another mainscale teaching post, especially as I would have lost my entitlement to UPS by moving school.

The other thing you might want to consider is, whether or not you want to take a second maternity leave? Obviously that is a personal matter, but it might be a factor in your plans.

If you don't, my plan in your shoes would be:

Hand in your notice next Monday - see if school come back with any changes to persuade you to stay (this is not un-common in my experience), or perhaps the offer of supply work. Make sure you put 31st Dec as your leaving date, so that you are paid until the end of that month.

Tell school that you are leaving teaching and ask if there are any other posts coming up - admin, SEN support? Might be worth considering. Perhaps a slight loss of face for a couple of days, but oh so worth it.

Immediately begin job hunting

Don't ask permission from your DH - you could be waiting forever. Sorry, but I don't think he is very supportive (or perhaps enjoys being difficult ) so the idea of coming to a supportive mutual agreement as you might with other partners is pie-in-the-sky. You have to just do or you will be stuck like this for the foreseeable future. I suspect that once he sees you happily settled in something else then there won't be a problem.

A few ideas:
Look at ideas for home working - search on MN for posts on earning money at home
Sessional work at your local FE college - if you teach maths or English they will snap you up. This could be in the evenings, a couple of times a week.
School admin roles?
University - known to be quite family friendly
Local council - also family friendly

Fundamentally, you just need something to tide you over while you take a breath and think about your longer term direction.

Maybe Doctor: thanks for a fantastic response. Loads of ideas and you seem to fully understand my position. I think my first move is to probably make a list of things I could do and work through it.

In terms of maternity leave: DH and I have discussed this, we had initially planned to have another baby once our toddler was at school. We have considered bringing that forward to give me a bit of respite from school and plan my next move, however that would mean another 9 months of working like this and I'm not sure I can hold out. Especially pregnant! I'd burn I think.

I really want to look into sessional work and tutoring since I've had a couple of days to think about things more, but obviously a lack of maternity pay when we have a second child makes things a little more complicated financially!

It's tough... stick it, get pregnant, get the maternity pay, work 3 months then leave or leave now and face the financial strain which would be massive with no maternity pay when I have the next child....

A toughie.

You are welcome. I really, really do understand your situation.

The other way to look at it is: leave now, get a new job and plan for a pregnancy in a couple of years time?

The only other thing I forgot to suggest was, what about reducing your hours a little? Not as drastic as leaving altogether and you retain your employment benefits, but might give you a breathing space to enable you to plan for the future. Even 0.25 or 0.5 reduction might make a difference - are your hours all together or oddly spread out across the week?

I strongly believe that teaching nowadays is a 'time limited' role - the stats are high for teachers departing between five and ten years.

In terms of career options, if you teach English, then I'd definitely look at what's available in the University sector. Universities are pretty good employers unless you're an academic. We have a large (and growing) department dedicated to language support for students who speak English as a foreign language, as well as people who do study skills support etc. Or University admin- you've got a lot of valuable transferable skills that can be very useful.

It might also be worth considering other aspects of the education sector, particularly professional education. My DH works for a professional body and the exams/CPD departments employ several ex-teachers who are involved in assessment/training design etc (they didn't teach anything remotely connected to the profession beforehand by the way- it's the generic education skills that are being put to use).

Great. Thanks for the ideas both of you. Lots more to add to my list.

Unfortunately, I can't drop my hours now until the end of the academic year ready for next September and the likelihood of them allowing me to drop hours is unlikely. They were asking me to increase them in July :( of course, I refused.

He doesn't decide, he gets told.

TBH, if my partner just announced he was chucking in his job, I wouldn't be happy.

While the decision is ultimately OP's, there needs to be dialogue, perhaps compromise.

They might allow you to cut your hours if you are sitting across from them with your notice letter in your hand next Monday.

Not ideal, but if you really think you wouldn't last till the end of the year then it could be arranged.

I really want to look into sessional work and tutoring since I've had a couple of days to think about things more, but obviously a lack of maternity pay when we have a second child makes things a little more complicated financially!

I don't know how long you have had to be self-employed for, but you are able to claim maternity pay.