support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Dusters honestly a mix of all those things, and trying to keep him sweet! Agree about the delay. Control.

Teepish "he likes to just tell me" I feel that comment in so many ways. My ex is the same with drop back times, he just expects me to be in from 7pm, but it can be closer to 8.30pm when they're back. Also isn't it what we've all lived with, a man telling us how it is?

Dusters see I'm thinking vivaciously bright and you're thinking more like a clown. Get the ex out of your head and channel your inner vixen-spirit!

That's all understandable Ohb. It seems pretty much a golden rule with these men though to not treat them as reasonable people. The normal rules don't apply. You being nice and reasonable won't elicit the same response.

I guess it won't do you any harm to be able to demonstrate to a third party that you've behaved in this way though. But I'd be careful of doing things that you don't really want to just to appease him. The only thing that will appease him is getting exactly what he wants. He's not going to get that, so you need to have shown him from the minute he phoned you last week that you're in control, not him.

Ok Lilac Inner vixen spirit. God, I feel like I'm 14 again with a crush on the boy next door. I'm hoping the slightly sick feeling will stop me eating the left over trick or treat sweets - hence leading to a more vixen like look!!

Well it didn't take long to receive the "fall-out" from my X.

I received silly amount of stupid texts asking about Xmas dates (these were previously arranged / with dates given by X), now chopping & changing agreements, making out that I was the one being obstructive and unreasonable and calling me all kinds of names and threatening me with this and that.

X isn't taking Ds over Xmas - Is going away!
Ds finishes school on 21/12 and will be with X 17-22.
I was fuming yesterday but this Morning have woken up to a kind of resolve-semi/calm -at least that's over with And finding the positive in a situation- at least we won't have any direct contact with X over the whole Xmas holidays. Peace & quiet -just us .
Luckily too is that Ds has no clue as to what went on so will only know about spending the time with me.
I'm just fed up with the horrible way X is with me. Always making out I'm unreasonable , that it's ALways my fault, X does everything right, I'm a crap mum, I don't think about Ds (wtf), X works so hard to provide for Ds 😳! I am ruing ds's life - Blah blah blah blah blah etc... I'm so fed up hearing this kind of crap.
I know it's not true but it feels like , just as I convinced myself I might just about be okay, and I've got over once barrage - the next lots gets chucked in and That seeps into my psyche and fucks with my self esteem, which takes its toll - over and over and over... and - o-M-g, I've had enough.
I know you all understand so thanks for being able to rant on here.

2012 no advice, except to say I know exactly how you feel, as I'm sure do many others on here. We're in this together.

Oh sorry the fallout (inevitably as with all WNs) came but at least you'll have DS with you for christmas.

Go inner vixen spirit dusters!

Everything should be earthed properly. OH is an electrician and even he can't figure out what the issue with the shower is! Incidentally not the only bathroom related problem - I slipped in the sauna on Sunday and fell on DD!

Saw the most useless doctor this morning, wasn't interested in dv at all just put it all down to anxiety which I know it isn't!

He should have started from the beginning and listened instead of just deciding to double my medication dose.

Going to make another appointment with my own gp who apparently isn't in until the back end of the week. So frustrating. I just want to get the ball rolling and moving forwards past all this Uncertainty. I need to work through my issues and make a decision of what's going to happen with DS in terms of seeing his father.

Oh that's shitty Ohb crap doctors are just the worst, making you feel worse at a time when you are already feeling very bad.

green, thanks for mentioning the WA children's course. I'll check my local area.

I've done 2 separated parents' courses - all the stuff they say is pretty much common sense and I agree with it all. As some of you have pointed out, it just won't change ex's behaviour at all. I didn't have Purple's experience of meeting a nice man, but I did enjoy the chance to talk to some people who know what it's like.

Good idea to see your own GP Ohb. Some GP's are great in this area, others make you wonder if they went to medical school! I know it's easy for me to say, but please try not to feel rushed by your ex. Remember - he stepped away for a whole 12 months, that's a third of your son's life. So he puts in a phone call to you? Your decision, your pace.

2012 - like you said, the fallout was waiting around the corner. But excellent that you get the whole of xmas with your dc.

I get into the occasional text battle with my ex. I go from polite and reasonable, to "don't threaten me" and usually end with giving it to him with both barrels. I'm afraid by the end point I've pretty much lost my filter. But I don't care. Like you, these exchanges sit with me for a couple of days, it's horrible. But at least by telling him what I think there's an element of self defense.

Dusters do you think your ex uses your defence replies in other ways?

I'm sure that my ex sends messages to me that were shown to his parents/GF to make me sound unreasonable. They aren't true, but they don't know it, e.g. lies about solicitor agreements. When I've been angry and replied I now realise he could show some of these messages to make me look like screaming mad-women. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but his using me to manipulate others does bother me even when I don't like them. I don't want to be any part of his life. Wish I could hypnotise him to leave me alone and focus on DCs.

Hi Lilac. No, I don't think that he does. I wouldn't be surprised if he showed the odd thing I've written to one of his siblings, to whom he's quite close. No doubt without showing his text first. But I really have zero respect for his family, and they know why. When we were together we all got along well. They know the kind of person I am. I'm always careful to be very direct, only say what I know to be 100% truthful, and to turn his words on himself.

I've kept every text he's ever sent me, and all the ones I've sent him. Even ones that just say "no", "yes", to demonstrate reasonableness etc.

I know exactly what you mean about using your texts to paint you as Mrs Crazy. I seem to have tipped over the edge of just not giving a rat's arse somehow. As long as I get my point across to him that's all that matters. After the last text war I am determined not to get into that again. Mainly because I don't like the way it makes me feel. I'd never be that rude to anybody else, so it makes me feel disappointed in myself - even if he does deserve it

On a more light hearted note. No show for Mr H J today, and didn't see the person who has his contact details. So.... I'm planning on dropping a "bright and breezy" note through his door (not far from me) tomorrow morning about giving me a quote !!! He won't be surprised that I know where he lives, I think I told him I did. So shouldn't look too much like a stalker. I feel nervous about potentially upsetting my relatively calm life. A friend said to me today what are the benefits of a relationship? I could only think of having someone to check the oil level in your car

Never underestimate the value of having someone who can check the oil level in your car!

Dusters yes please do pass in a quote message as he'll have your details and us nosey lot on the forum can hear the gossip when you meet. Can you ask him for coffee to check the quote later (ask for it itemised so you have questions)?

PS. I understand the zero respect for WN family!

Ooo think I've figured out the shower shock problem. Conducted an experiment tonight and made sure the lounge light was on when I had a shower - no shock. OH says it makes sense and recommends I don't conduct the second part of the experiment (having a shower with lounge light off to see if I get shocked)

Slightly bittersweet moment this evening too when DD was on the phone to her dad and he asked if she had made a Father's Day card for him (its Father's Day this Sunday in my country) and at first she said yes but then she said "Oh wait, I made it for Haha instead" (Haha is what she calls my OH). I quickly said to her that she can make another one for daddy but that just goes to show who she really thinks of as her father. But I do feel bad for my ex, not nice to hear that.

Natsku I had that feeling when first telling WN that DC didn't want to go to contact. Got over it pretty quickly when I thought about why though!

lilac if you ever work out that hypnosis, please for the love of all that is good in the world, let me know. I'm about to make some changes and WN is going to explode.

dusters great idea on the note. Making changes is a big thing (I know!) but sometimes doing something that takes a bit of effort and courage can lead to something beautiful. And if not, you tried, that's a big positive in itself.

I can check my own oil level. Having someone to mow the lawn, however...

I get OH's little brother to mow the lawn, he does what I say because he bit me once while drunk

I'm sure I've been bitten by intoxicated people but I wasn't clever enough to be related to them so they'd have to mow my lawn!

Currently having massive wobble about making (positive, at least I hope) changes due to WN's reaction. Someone please talk me down and tell me I can't be held back through fear of him any longer?

You are much much stronger than him. Remember that WNs are pretty much just silly little boys who never grew up, you've no reason to be afraid of him any more.

Green I wish I could have secret hypnotic secret to pass on. My ex used to look me in the eye like he'd like to kill me (and that's with him off having fun with OW on the side), he could be physically mean at times too, so clearly I lack that gift I now avoid him. If I ever learn it you will all be first to hear of it.

Go ahead with your plans. They are your plans to make!

Natsku your comments are funny, you make me laugh I too still wince if twat is told something by the dc that I know will upset him.

I love that you have been bitten by the wrong people greencar and your comment about at least trying is spot on.

I'm a bit of a dab hand at mowing the lawn. I can put water in the screen wash section of the car - but that's it!

Greencar - you know what's best for you and your dc. Whatever you change he won't like because you're making the decision, and are in control. Expect the worst then you won't be disappointed. Like you said, he can't hurt you anymore. He's a big smarmy gust of wind, blowing here and there without any substance. He'll have his rant, stamp his little feet on the floor. You'll be in the midst of it all, knowing you're the good parent and that we're standing behind you.

You all make me laugh, and cry, and worry, and feel hopeful, and excited. As much as its horrible that there's so many of us its really really good to have people to share my experiences with and know that they understand.

Thank you all

Just talking about it with people who understand helps doesn't it?

Big smarmy gust of wind that's him! I just know he's going to think up some horrible way to bring me down because I'm doing something he hasn't authorised, big important man that he is. I think I'm overanalysing, looking for things he could use against me and then wobbling, thinking that if I just leave things as they are it'll keep him calm. that sounds like why I didn't leave him sooner all over again.

bitten by the wrong people think that pretty much sums up my life so far...

Bitten by the wrong people would make a great title for a book about narcs. One of us has to write it then will be completely outed in doing so, opps!.