support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Interesting to see others' thoughts on the separated parents information program. I thought it was utterly useless, but I (and the ex) was ordered to do it by the court. As noted, when you're dealing with someone who's utterly unreasonable, there's not a shred of useful info.

I learnt today that the ex provided social services with pics of scratches on our child's legs. You know, the type that most toddlers are going to get. Ss said they are normal and that they aren't concerned. I've been told the ss report says that they have no concerns. They do recommend that I contact women's aid though. I'm going to try it as I'm desperate. Any good experiences? I just need help dealing with my situation. I understand that the ex won't change. But I'm not feeling like I'm coping with his behaviour.

The ex suddenly wants to stick to the 50/50 court order now. After being told by the child maintenance service that he will have to pay me around £160 a month if we stick to his self-imposed 6/1 day a week set up (which he insisted on just days after we had been in court). I had to drag the info that yes, he did plan to stick to the court order long term, out of him though.

One thing in my case is that I have no concerns about his care of our child. And he has no problem spending money on them. It will cost him much more to have our child for the 50/50 than to pay me maintenance. He just desperately does not want to give me a single penny. I'm sure if our dc was old enough, he'd be happy to put the money in their hand.

dusters A few times over the years. I pushed him to it of course . I can't really explain why I didn't leave sooner other than he threatened, terrified, mind twisted (you may have picked this up already!) and physically stopped me. Ultimately I didn't leave for me but found the strength to do it for DC. I'm never, ever alone or in private with him now.

If you met him by chance he'd charm the pants off you, possibly literally. It's frightening what lies beneath.

purple that's brilliant! Here's hoping it's the start of something lovely.

stripy I've had a very positive experience with WA. I'm not sure what variation is like around the country but I've found it helpful just to be able to talk to people who understand the issues. It's worth a try I would say.

dusters on a more positive note, big deep breath for Thursday! You're not trapping him, you're taking a positive step based on a legitimate need . Please please please keep us updated...

Thanks greencar, that's rather heartening to read! :-)

Contrary Just reading your post again. You say his new wife is lovely, but what must she think since finding out he already had a family? That he now blanks your ds, treats his ds differently to his other dc? Is he just grinding her into acceptance?

I wish your post could be inserted into the literature of the course Purple attended. Short of stopping contact, which I doubt you have grounds for, I don't know how you protect your ds from his monster of a "dad". I'd be tempted to call a spade a spade. He'll work out for himself what a bastard he is. It might be worse if it takes a few more years, and he looks back and thinks why did everyone pretend he was ok. I think better to acknowledge it sooner rather than later. Ex doesn't get to polish his image. You don't have to lie/polish/reframe. Your ds doesn't grow up with mixed messages about his dad, and about accepting shoddy treatment at the hands of those who are supposed to love you.

I know it's a slightly dangerous approach, but I can't imagine your ex could behave any more revoltingly than he already is.

Ah, Purple, you had the 5 hour talk on co-parenting!!!!

It is a complete waste of time when we're dealing with narcs - I spent most of my time desperately trying to not roll my eyes whilst silmutaneoysly trying to not launch myself at a wanker across from me who may as well have been wavin a red flag the size of Ireland.

I have to say though that I do disagree with your evaluation of the clip with the motgercar the contact centre: I feel her anxiety did indeed transfer over and that she was not parenting very well at all. They were at a contact centre - where the children were as safe as they possibly could be. Allowing the kids to see their rick worried and anxious would automarically make them feel that they were not safe and I completely agreed with what the video was trying to convey.

That's interesting frog as I've been a worrying that, if WN has been recording handovers, he could use that to say I can't be that scared of him as I'm always civil and haven't allowed myself to be bullied into submission. Inside I'm a wreck, stomach in knots, head screaming get away get away and when he's taken DC often take a while to recover, but I can hold it together in front of DC. It sounds as if that video is trying to convey and recognise the need for that, which has eased my mind, although I am always wary of the full implications and effects of DA not being fully understood (have found this with some legal advisors).

So much to catch up on

Spoke to a counsellor today, arranging my first session for later in the week.

She did make me aware of Borderline Personality Disorder, which I hadn't heard of before so have been reading up about it. Struck a chord, as she suspects XH is a narc with BDP. Book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' recommended. Anyone familiar with any of this?

Wishing you all strength.

My youngest asked if her dad could come for Xmas. I suggested lunch, she wants him to come for present opening (you know, the ones I shop for, pay for and stay up til 3am wrapping). Co-incidence that he spent a whole 15 minutes with her today for the first time in weeks?

Glad they don't have courses like that where I live, I think that would annoy me so much. Maybe good for some co-parenting relationships but I reckon those that can co-parent well together will probably do so by themselves, and those that can't are because of issues that no course can fix (like our wank narc exes)

Ooo purple that's rather exciting

Sorry about the new people joining us, that is I'm sorry you have this shit going on in your lives too but welcome and I hope this thread can help.

for everyone new joining the thread. So sorry you have to be a part of this.

Feeling a little better. Got my GP appointment tomorrow morning. Will update.

Feeling exhausted at the minute. Going through periods of being ok, then anxious etc. Keep drifting into horrible dark thoughts but my DS keeps me strong and fixes my heart.

Had his parents evening today, amazing feedback. Text WN to let him know, he started typing about an hour ago and has just replied now. No idea why it takes so long to write a sentence

Fox My ex was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder around the time I met him (he denied it a few years later and said the psychiatrist was wrong) and walking on eggshells is exactly how my life felt with him. I was always scared of setting him off, never knew when I would be in his favour or not, or which of his family members were currently ok to talk to. Haven't read the book but I read a lot about BPD in the two years before I left him and saw that it is very difficult in relationships with a high chance of abuse especially when the person who has it doesn't know or accept that they have it.

ohfor great news on the counselling. Not heard of the book (will add it to my list) but I'm working my way through the list of traits here outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd. Going slowly as it's striking too many chords but it's useful to see these things articulated in black and white.

Xmas, surely no coincidence. It's difficult when the DC want them around and you know it's not for the best isn't it. I'm dreading it.

Probably just to keep you on edge Ohb I don't bother telling ex things until we're on the phone and he has to respond straight away. Still need to send him the child psychologist report on DD but keep putting it off because it mentions that he is potentially causing some of her issues - bet that will make him angry and I don't want him giving the psychologist abuse like he did with the previous ones.

Oh, didn't mention that I got around to seeing my psychiatrist on Friday for the first time in a long time and explained everything about ex and how its affecting me. He's upped my antidepressants and re-prescribed my anxiety medicine that I hadn't had in a while and I'm starting to feel more stable already.

Catching up on the news. Horrible to hear about more narcs putting DCs to the bottom of their priority list.

Contrary the part where your DS had to listen to his siblings tell him how wonderful daddy is to them must have been heartbreaking for both of you. Your DD must have already felt abandoned by him and now he's closing down on DS. He's a prize twat. Like dusters I don't understand how his new wife can think this situation is right unless she's not really nice herself or really kept in the dark? I don't know what to say but that you seem very patient and understanding, so your DCs have a positive role-model in you

It's good to hear about counselling / GP visits going well, but the course sounds too idealistic. Even if one parent isn't a narc, there's often stress and disagreement following separation. Perhaps it would have been better to focus on the DCs perspective and suggest minimum contact beyond that. I haven't been, just interpreting from comments.

I'm touchimg wood as I say this, but I haven't had any nasty messages from ex for 3 days now and new bloke is sending me nice messages. I know ex has probably sent something horrible through solicitor, but for now I'm going to not doubt myself.

That's interesting frog it was discussed in the group today . One woman with experience of Contact Centres (I have none) was worried about their portrayal in the clip saying that in her experience the staff had been much more reassuring and supportive of the situation when she sat and cried buckets. She was worried the clip would put people off using them as the staff seemed quite cold.

I do understand the sentiment of not putting that emotion onto the kids is you possibly can because of cause it does have an effect, but I think in some scenarios it is just utterly overwhelming for the parent handing over given the circumstances and that should be appreciated more and supported . I say the 'parent' handing over because that was raised today as well, both clips portrayed the women as emotional wrecks, the Mediator man said that lots of people had commented on that in past groups and he agreed that it shouldn't always be portrayed as the woman.

Hello everyone, I am going through a pretty much identical experience with most of you, it seems..
Separated from H and he is playing Super Dad to the hilt with our young dd. While together his attitude was a lot less dramatic in that area.
He blames me for every of his sordid, sly actions that ended our relationship. Has called me disgusting names, then is Mr Nice when it suits him. I have also ended up being a Fishwife on my own doorstep, much to his glee...
Sadly our dd tells me she misses daddy a lot and loves him more than me. I find this so hard to deal with.
to all

Glad to hear your appointments have resulted in you feeling stronger Natsku. Are you still doing up your house?

I'm made up for you Purple with Mr Gorgeous. Whatever happens next how great to have made such a positive connection. And giving out your email address, I'm going to try and take courage from your approach. I can't help seeing myself as some sort of storm cloud, and that I should leave Mr H J man alone ! But I know that's the shadow of Twat, and I'm not going to let that shake me.

Ohb - I think you were generous to text your ex about parent's evening. I'm curious to know why you did. Did you feel obliged to because he's reappeared and he's his dad? Or are you worried to now not inform him of things? I agree that the delay in getting back to you is probably one of making you wait. Alternatively, he's not really interested deep down, so probably started texting then got distracted.

Glad it's radio silence from your ex Lilac. Is date number 3 looming with new man?

Lovelilies you asked for some quick advice earlier. Was it about whether you should meet ex at a neutral place, or more generally?

Just to add, I cannot imagine spending any of xmas with my ex. The idea of having lunch with him is just unimaginable. Maybe I'm as hard faced as him to not even consider this?

Hi Teepish sorry you're in this positioni. I now don't tell my ex any information about DCs, which is hard as I want them to be ok, but he never listened to me and said twisted things back that made me upset and angry. Could your DD leave the house with you in a nearby room?

My DS, when angry, has said he'd like to live with his dad I can't say well daddy doesn’t even want you overnight I say that his home is with me. Young DCs can make upsetting comments without meaning them.

Not too much left to do on the house dusters though still need to figure out why the shower is giving me electric shocks! (very small ones, but still rather annoying). Think we're ready to let DD invite friends round, and saw one of their mums on Saturday so asked for her number to arrange it - makes me a little anxious at the thought of being in charge of another child (wasn't an issue with my old neighbour kids as I could send them home easily and I knew their mum was ok with me telling them off if they were naughty)

Dusters date 3 is coming up soon. I'm already over-investing as I'm the type to throw myself in at the deep end. I also have concerns and know my red-flag spotting binoculars are on, but I want the thrill too. Don't let your ex take the thrill of luring Mr HJ towards you away. You're not a dark cloud, but you could be his ray of sunshine. Plus seducing someone is fun - we could all do with that after being trampled on.

Hello Teepish welcome aboard. You say your ds is young and being bombarded with Disney Dadness. "I love daddy more" is, I would guess, just an expression of her delight at being spoilt by someone who is probably also letting her call the shots and have her own way. I doubt he's making her do the day to day stuff of real life, which no doubt falls to you. It's horrible though, really stings.

One of my dc occasionally says I'm going to go and live with daddy. This is usually when he's writhing around on the floor refusing to do his homework. I generally say "ok, good luck " !!

Hello Lilac, dd is only 5 so still have to be present when she is picked up/dropped off. I just wish these men could actually get a life, grow up and get a sense of the turmoil they create
H is possessive over dd and likes to just tell me when he will have her over, rather than discuss it. He is a prize cock. I try to remain as emotionless and "walled off" as possible but at the weekend I lost it and ended up in a crying mess after losing my temper at him.

Hello dusters, you know deep down I wonder if she is delighted by this intense, focused attention from him. He didnt really put her first when at home that much. And I have suspected she feels sorry for him too sigh
Yes at home I dont indulge her in the same way and let her get bored so she can entertain herself. I am also the one who makes sure the honework is done..

Don't like the sound of the shocks Natsku, is it earthed properly? That'll be good for dd to have a friend over. I generally just feed them up the minute they get in the door! I find they're more compliant if they've had lots of food - especially ice-cream

Oh Lilac that is so me, over investing and straight in the deep end. I have no game, as they say. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm worrying deep down that when I ask Mr H J to come round re his job, he'll actually be able to see Ms Mad Scary Stalking Lady with A Plan !

Love the ray of sunshine comment. I am a very smiley person, but again this may come across as The Joker from Batman !!!

Nodding along to both your posts there Teepish. My dd (older than yours) also feels sorry (though less now) for her dad. She's quite defensive of him sometimes. It's not sustainable though, and the situation does change and they become more realistic. Once they've had a day stuck inside because of the rain, with homework and a bath to be done, plus he's got a hang over, not so fun then !

My ds said to me at the weekend that he didn't think they'd be doing x with dad "because we always do what he wants to do." I said yes, you're probably right. I've never said that to him, they pick it up themselves.