Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Is there anybody who could be there with you when he's due home from work?

I think you might be able to manage the children more than you think, when he is not there to tell you you are doing it wrong! For example, you managed DD waking on the night- it was him who didn't like your solution. There will be things you can't do, work out what they are and get help with taking them to school for example. But you can make beans on toast, you can change nappies on the floor, D 1 and 2 can do the dishwasher...
Things will get messier, and you will eat more junk food, but it's just for a short time. You will manage most things, when he isn't there making it harder for you.

Well done trying for biting the bullet. He is a massive prick.

Do you think he could/would keep the Dc at his mothers? My friends ex did this just so he didn't have to pay CM.

Can you ask a family member to be st the house when he gets back tonight?

Christ, he really is a peach isn't he. Is his mum reasonable at all? Do you feel it's ok for him to have your small kids at hers?

It strikes me that as long as all the kids are fed and the ones who go to school get to school, you can let the other stuff slide for this short while. If the kids have swimming lessons or whatever then it's not the end of the world if they miss it for a bit. The bigger picture is what matters.

If they eat crap for a few weeks, so what.

Op i can't offer any better advice but just wanted to say bloody well done. Just keep going the way you are. You know it's the right thing to do. Dc's and you will have a much lovelier life not walking on eggshells every day at home ( said by one who did from age 6 onwards)

I'm a good way away from you Trying although DH has work runs down to Harlow, Heathrow and Southampton in the next few weeks so it might still be doable if you're near any of those places and there's anything you're desperate for.

He really is a massive arse though, I agree with pklme that you may well find things are easier than you expect without his negativity dragging your confidence down. The hard bit for now will be making him go, do you know what you will do if he does just rock up tonight and expect to stay as though nothing's happened? I know I'm repeating myself but above all please just make sure you're safe, I'd feel a lot happier about you if I knew you would have someone with you when he gets home.

I have arranged for a friend to come over in the morning to help with DC until my mum finishes work and can take over.
I don't have anyone that can be here when he is due back tonight.
His mum can be reasonable but it depends on her mood and what lies he feeds her. She looks after little DC once a week anyway so if he did keep them for a sleepover they would be ok. I don't think she would allow him to keep them there against my wishes but then who knows.
I know he is going to be an arse about everything, I have listed our table and sofas on gumtree today so he won't have that power over me, he can have half the money and I will buy something I like!
I think you are right that I will manage with the kids now, I'm feeling much better and will hopefully be able to drive by the weekend.
I really just want him to drop DC off and go, I'm not sure he will make it that easy though.

trying don't sell the stuff. If he wants it sold he can do it himself and look like a cunt to everyone. Don't make it easy for himhe will just turn it all in you saying YOU sold it, plus it all might be empty threats.

If he goes on about selling stuff just say 'OK' and don't engage.

I hope he goes quietly but I've a feeling he won't. Men like that never do and like to cause more hurt and damage on the way out - if he leaves.

Remember the moment he shows any agression call the police. Have a zero tolerance for that bullshit now.

Good luck op, hope for the best but expect the worse

He has come back, put the kids to bed and just sat on the sofa. I said I thought he was going to his mums tonight, he said the kids aren't safe in my care, I told him I was fine with the kids and I had arranged support, he said I should have picked dd up this morning then if I was fine. I told him he should leave, it's my house, he told me to shut up and said he will go in the morning. I have tried telling him to leave now but he just keeps raising his voice at me.

can you arrange to have the locks changed when he's out tomorrow?

Yes I can do it myself, I can get a friend to go and buy new ones and I know how to fit them as I did this last time then stupidly gave him a key

trying leave it for tonight. What a cunt raising his voice, my ex used to do that. They do it because they know you don't want the kids hearing - it's almost like a threat.

Fitting news locks is good but is there really no one that can just sit in with you for when he gets back ?

He's already back jingle, he is refusing to leave

Sorry trying I mean for tomorow for after he leaves for work.

Im so glad your the only one on the tenancy. I bet deep down he is shitting himself as he knows he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

He's not working tomorrow it's his day off, I don't know what his next move is which is very unnerving. I just want him to go

I agree that he knows you won't want an argument with the kids there. what a prick.

if your dc are in school tomorrow is there anyone that can come around for moral support while you tell him he needs to leave or you'll get the police to remove him?

If I was in your position I'd wait till he was back in work and change the locks rather than spend all day tomorow arguing.

Completly disengage with him tomorow

Good plan to disengage.
The kids are on half term this week.
I will just ignore him tomorrow and not ride to anything he says.
This is just a nightmare I want over now, at least I have finally learnt my lesson and will never go back again, I never want to put myself or my DC through this again

You could have him removed tonight if you wished? The property is in your name and he's the one likely to cause a breach of the peace. Start as you mean to go on lovely

how long can you ignore him for though if he just won't leave? you're at the riskiest stage now op so be careful.

I'm Sure he'll try and make life as difficult as possible for you now op, stay strong

I'd be phoning the police to have him removed as the house is yours not joint.

Will he escalate at all as I would want him removed now.

Please stay safe.

If he doesn't go today I will have him removed.
He is still in bed at the moment, I was up in the night as ds2 wet the bed and then dd2 woke up at 5.30. I'm currently trying to keep 4 DC quiet downstairs for fear of him kicking off because of the noise.
Cool and calm ............