Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Why would you wait for yet another example of what a shit he is? You know he can't maintain the Mr nice thing - you know it's temporary

This. And to be honest it's quite a selfish stance to take trying as his horrible attitude is mostly directed at your ds. What scoring system are you going to use to keep an eye on him?

Mild shitty behaviour?
Medium shitty behaviour?
Complete arse hole shitty behaviour ?

How s good behaviour will only last for so long and you seem to be enjoying it 5at the expense of your kids) he will then slip in to mild arse hole behaviour for a while then go on to moderate seen as you didn't stop the mild crap then full on ds attack mode again.

You know your how dp.

I think your throwing your ds under the bus waiting for the 'perfect' time - even your last posts are showing confusion and doubt in what you are doing.

tryin I walked away from a HA house full of my furniture and things (apart from a few bin bags of stuff) I moved in with my DGM because I couldn't trust my self to stay resolute in leaving him.

Your house and things are just ..... Things. Your kids emotional welfare score way higher than bricker brack.

I know how difficult it moving back in with parents - but it's only temporary.

The thing with planning to leave when he kicks off again always leaves room for going down the 'give him one last chance' route or letting mild issues slid because it's not 'big' enough to leave over.

Hope you find the courage op

Atenco- thanks for your opinion, I am enjoying planning my new layout of the house!

Jingle- I know where you are coming from, ds is with his dad this weekend, perhaps that's why DH is being nice. I won't give him one last chance, I regret giving him the last 100 chances so won't be making that mistake again. That said I think you are right, just being in the same house as DH with ds must seem to ds like mummy doesn't care, he won't understand the logistics of the situation with my recovery.
It's been almost 2 weeks since surgery now, I'm in less pain, I think I'm going to speak to my gp or hv and tell them what's happening, see if they can offer any advice about what I can realistically do re caring for the children. I'm hoping I can make it work for us all to stay at home and tell him to fuck off!

Well done OP step by step. I'm supporting your escape from the monster. It's better to escape now and then be independent rather than let your children suffer. Don't forget him being around the younger kids mean that he is teaching them abusice behaviour. If possible I wouldn't even let him see his own children as once you Kick him out, his hatred of your older kids will transform to hatred of you- then he might feed the younger two with bullshit about why mummy kicked him out....

op, please don't let another Xmas roll along and you still be subjecting your children to this monster

I suspect you will though

your "guilt" will paralyse you and keep you there

Anyfucker- he definitely will not be around at xmas, I fucking detest him.

Milklollies- I don't think I could stop him having contact with his DC, and I don't think that would be fair in them. He may attempt to poison their minds against me but I have to put them first, they need both parents, and in the same way I have with exDH I will not retaliate. Believe it or not (and I can understand those of you who choose not) my DC are my world, DH can go fuck himself.

then jettison the "guilt"

it will sabotage you.... if you let it

Sorry I didn't mean to be so rude/ clearly you can understand I don't have children but your approach seems healthy.

No i think you are out of this mentally just not physically - keep going and doing all the steps you need. We are all here for you

Milklollies - I didn't think you were rude, you made some really good points, I would absolutely love to pack up and move hundreds of miles away with my DC, unfortunately I don't think a judge would allow it

Myuser - thank you for believing in me

Thank you to everyone for your advice and support, it's amazing to have somewhere to speak freely and anonymously and receive such brilliant advice and diverse opinions. I really appreciate all of your replies, they are keeping me going.

Well done Trying. Just bide your time and get well. You need to be restored to full health before hanging the split IMO, Spend the next 4 weeks planning.

I am waiting for a call back from the doctor to clarify what I can and can't do, I found a really useful website though and it seems I can start increasing my activity from tomorrow and so long as I can perform an emergency stop I can drive again! Hopefully only 1 more week and I can be self sufficient, I will just have to teach my 2 year old dd to climb into the car seat herself as def cannot lift anything heavier than a litre bottle of water.
I called WA today, the lady was very nice, she gave me a local number to call for ongoing support. I had a bit of a wobble when I got off the phone, I think telling a stranger out loud made it more real.

I'm also a bit worried I'm developing an internet shopping addiction! I'm guessing it my way of deflecting and dealing with everything, I need to get back to work!

I've just told him, all he cares about is his money

What happened?

He came home from work and has been really grumpy, I could see him getting visably annoyed with ds, when all DC were either in bed or upstairs watching tv he asked me what was wrong, I calmly told him I'm not happy, I didn't put any blame on him, said I didn't want to fight but I want to split up. I went over a few more things but was very careful not to blame him. He said he will go to his mums tomorrow, I agreed and asked him what he wanted to do about DC, he said that's my problem now, he then said we needed to sell the contents of the house and split the proceeds, I said if he wants to do that we also need to split the £16,000 he has saved, he said that's his money and he has hidden it. I said I don't want his money I just want him to walk away without taking the sofa or dining table as the kids use them. He just laughed at me and said he had worked hard to buy stuff, he doesn't want my next bloke sitting on his sofa!

Trying, didn't want to read and run and I'm sure someone else will be along soon with helpful advice, but really well done for telling him. Your DCs are blessed to have a mum like you, keep strong and keep going!

Hi trying I've been away for a few days but have just caught up with your posts.
Well done for all you have accomplished and you really are setting yourself up to succeed without him.
He is trying to use the furniture as another way to make you feel you can't do without him and if he takes them him as it cements what a bastard he really is. My ex waited till I visited my parents after our split and took everything - the sofa, the fridge, the beds even the toilet brush! As you can imagine it was a shock to come home to nothing. I lived near 2nd hand shops and rekitted from them then as I could afford it bought nicer items.
Although an inconvenience you can do without until you can replace them. It's not an argument worth getting into with him about as he will sense he has power over you again. Just smile and say whatever the children and I will get by. That will upset him more than anything you can argue.
Try sites such as Gumtree and freecycle if you need to replace. What's a sofa or a table in place of your long term happiness. Well done for staying so strong, not to be condescending but I am so proud of you and am rooting for your and your children

Horrible, horrible man - you will be so much better off without him!

Trying would you be comfortable saying whereabouts you are (or PM me if you prefer) it's just that I have to clear my DGM's house over the next few weeks so if you're anywhere near me I can probably replace anything he takes to tide you over til you can afford new.

Totally agree with Bunnies though, letting him see you don't care what he takes so long as he goes will knock all the wind out of his sails. Threatening to leave you with no furniture is all the power he has left over you and I would want to show him you don't want him or his sofa.

You do need to be careful now though, try to have other people around as much as possible, your DM maybe, until he leaves. I'm just conscious that abuse can ramp up when they realise they're not in control anymore so you need to make sure you're safe.

Bloody well done though, you've come a long way in a short time and you should be proud of the fact that you're putting DS first

Thanks everyone

Hiding I'm down south, thank you so much for the offer, I have been looking on gumtree already, I don't even like the table or sofas anyway, everything always had to be his choice, if I saw something I liked I would have to pretend I didn't if I wanted any chance of being allowed to buy it.
The annoying thing is I have bought most of the stuff in this house, we go 50/50 on rent and utility bills, I pay for everything else like childcare and shopping and he saves his money, hence he has £16000 and I have nothing, now he wants to take the furniture! He really is showing all of his true colours.
This morning he called me a fucking joke as at 5.30 when my 2 yr old dd was crying in her room I went in there, she was walking around in the dark, she wouldn't get back in her bed and as I can't lift her I held her hand and bought her into our room to get into bed with me, he went mad, said I was having a fucking laugh, called me a joke and took her back into her own room. He is so venomous.
I got up at 6, got DC 3&4 breakfast, got them dressed and he totally ignored me. They went upstairs and woke up ds1, they were all messing around when DH needed to leave to drop DC 3&4 at preschool and go to work, he started having a go at me that ds was somehow responsible for them not being ready downstairs for him, he threatened to go and leave them with me but luckily they came down. He caused a scene in front of dd1 (9 years) though, I told her I had asked him to leave, she is so lovely she was just worried about me coping on my own at the moment.

DH said last night that he would move in with his mum today, when he left this morning he didn't take any stuff with him.
Do you think I should pack it for him?

Sorry didn't realise that was so long until I posted it!!

Well, if you are well enough to pack it might be a good idea, but the most important thing at the moment is your health.

I think it may just anger the beast.

I'm worried that he has not taken me seriously and he's going to come back after work and kick off or just ignore me but still be here. He is picking up DC 3&4 from preschool at lunchtime and taking them to his DM for the rest of the day, I'm guessing he is planning on picking them up after work and bringing them home and then staying here with them. It's his day off tomorrow and he is supposed to look after DC. I wouldn't be suprised if he dropped little ones back and then went to his mums saying they are my problem for tomorrow though. I'm not sure what would be worse!
I can't phone him to ask his plans as he will just shout abuse down the phone.

I am a lurker because I couldn't offer any better advice than you have been getting but do not pack his stuff for him. You are recovering from an operation & he is behaving like an arse. Let him pack his own stuff.

I'm also a lurker. If I were you I'd call your family to come help you get his stuff packed whilst he's out if they're willing to.
Well done and best of luck

Agree with Chrystal, but you need to get childcare for tomorrow organised first. Don't rely on him for anything. If you want him to leave then you need to get everything sorted out first, so that there is no room for confusion. If he is able to step up and help with the little ones then that's great, but if he decides not to then it's not an issue for you as you have backup available. This removes the power from him - as at the moment he knows that he can dangle the threat of not helping you, and you'll capitulate because you have nothing else arranged.