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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's having an affair..

184 replies

3yearsnosleep · 13/10/2016 17:07

Saw the texts and emails. He's going round in the morning apparently 'to make her blush'. She's his mates wife. What do I do???? Feel sick and have 2 little ones to look after.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/10/2016 18:14

I have to say that telling his mate as soon before you tell your H that you know means that they have no chance of getting their stories straight.

And so what if the mate reacts violently? Thats his choice to make and nothing to do with the OP, no one would say that if it was a case of telling a wife. Chances are he wont, but if he does then thats his responsibility and not the OPs for telling him.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 13/10/2016 18:19

Good luck OP. Flowers

Waltermittythesequel · 13/10/2016 18:19

You don't have to keep up any pretence. It's fine to just pack his bag and make him leave.

He's absolute scum.

Are you going to tell the friend? Not that that should be a priority. You need to take care of yourself first.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 13/10/2016 18:21

OP is it just the one email? Are you sure it's conclusive evidence? I'm sorry by the way.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/10/2016 18:23

julieJ00ls ??

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 13/10/2016 18:24

Tell his mate before he has a chance to warn OW to give the mate a story.

Poor you OP, what an absolute shitbag.

Rubberduck2 · 13/10/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GizmoFrisby · 13/10/2016 18:28

Hope your ok OP Flowers

myfriendnigel · 13/10/2016 18:29

Tell the friend now. The husband of my friend knew about my h and his wife for two years before I found out.it would have saved me a lot of heartache and nearly a lot of money if he'd told me sooner.
I'm sorry op-this is a terrible shock.
You need some rl support now-are your family near? Friends? I'd urge you to tell someone, preferably someone who can come around this evening. Please don't be on your own.

BombayBonsai · 13/10/2016 18:31

Hope it goes OK.

Sherlock35 · 13/10/2016 18:31

Take some time. You don't have to do anything right now. If you can get away for a bit and have some time and space on your own, I would recommend it.

Deep breaths. Whatever you decide to do, even if it's nothing, you'll get through this. X

Donthate · 13/10/2016 18:32

Hope you are ok OP, what an idiot he is. You need to tell his friend.

Wonkydonkey44 · 13/10/2016 18:33

What a twat he is and your friends the same! I'd be speaking to her partner as well and telling him.

Hugs

pinkblink · 13/10/2016 18:33

His friend has every right to know what's going on, it's not your problem if he reacts badly, you're not doing anything wrong! Tell him as soon as you can

EweAreHere · 13/10/2016 18:36

If you have joint bank accounts, get what you need for you and the children out of it!

EweAreHere · 13/10/2016 18:38

And please pick up the phone and tell her husband. How would you feel if he knew and didn't tell you?

Do it before they have a chance to try to cover themselves, as others have said.
SO sorry, OP. I hope you're ok.

Lunar1 · 13/10/2016 18:41

Tell his friend asap, so sorry you are going through this.

Moojay · 13/10/2016 18:43

As other PP have said, is there any chance the email could be misconstrued? Chances are its not but you never know, does sound very inappropriate either way for him to make her blush.
Take some time and space for yourself OP.
Friend does need to know asap, although I think you need to calm first, gather evidence else they may be able to play the ' crazy jealous ex' card.

MsJamieFraser · 13/10/2016 18:43

OP dont tell his friend, you need to go through your emotions and feelings, and get your head straight, her relationship with her husband is not worth your head space currently, baby steps.

Im sorry your going through this x

febmum2b · 13/10/2016 18:44

What an arsehole. Her too. Sending hugs OP

dogloverxoxo · 13/10/2016 18:46

What an arsehole!!! You and your kids deserve a millions times better.. disgusting pig. Hope he enjoys sleeping on the street!

BombayBonsai · 13/10/2016 18:48

I wish people would stop going on about the OP telling the husband immediately.

OP you've had a terrible shock. Take your time, you don't have to do anything at this point apart from looking after yourself and your babies Flowers

OllyBJolly · 13/10/2016 18:51

I would also secure any cash there is - not to keep yourself, just so you have control over it. I'd also look for any useful documentation - credit card statements, bank statements etc so you are aware of the cash position. This can go two ways - he will be so consumed with guilt he will agree to anything. If this is the case take advantage of it and get as much in writing as you can. The other way is he takes control of the money i.e. has wages paid into different account etc and thus controls your access to cash. The reality is that he will have to pay maintenance for the children - is it 20% of his take home pay? Certainly a lot less than comes into the household now. You might be awarded spousal maintenance for a limited time, and benefits, but this is likely to be only for a few years.

You have to look after yourself and your children. Be tough.

Of course, I did none of that when I found myself in same position. Bloody wimp that I was - regretted it ever since.

catmombaby16 · 13/10/2016 18:55

Feckin idiot.

So sorry OP. I hope he doesn't start a fight with you. Let us know you're ok please x

Backt0Black · 13/10/2016 18:58

Good luck OP. I'm also in the 'tell the his mate' camp. If he did thump him it's always been a possibility anyway, one your Husband would have been fully aware of when getting tangled up with another mans wife

Also second making sure you have some funds secured for yourself and the little ones.

Get the kids off to bed, maybe have a couple of stuff drinks - not a lot, that'd only make things worse. And, just allow yourself to feel however you feel angry / sad / fucking livid ... whatever as I'm sure there will be lots of well meaning types telling you to 'put a brave face on for the kids'

Sorry OP it's not nice at all

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