Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Who's idea was it for him to meet your child?

So,,, if this was really the truth, if he really did change and if he was willing to tell your husband, meet some supervisor with you... well, then I'd give it a go.

However, you say he doesn't think what he did was wrong...? Idk. That's an issue. Plus, the chance that he really was 100% honest?

If you really love him you, DH and boyfriend should see his supervisor, go to his therapist. And then you can decide.

Sadly I don't think op will take any advice and will continue with the relationship

If I were your DH and I found out you knew this and didn't immediately cease all contact with this man I would apply for sole custody and supervised contact only between you and DD.

I'm very concerned you had to even ask this op

This with bells on!! Wtf op get a grip and tell your Dh so at least one of you will keep him away from your dd.

You are getting a very unanimous response here, unsurprisingly. I really hope that it helps you to do right...I think you will do the right thing as the information sinks in. I understand this must have been a bombshell to hear.

How was he found out? How did the police get the information to seize his computer and find the images? The only reason I am curious is in wondering how much more there is to the story he has told you.

I agree sparrow

Very worrying indeed.

Not feeling he is a risk is not good enough. Naturally you both want to minimise what happened.

I want him (as another human!) to have good relationships, to be happy and not to offend again. However from your OP I dont think this is good for you, its sad but its got to be over.

Your DH has a right to know, if I was him and you continued to withhold that information from me, I would be beyond furious.

Never thought about that... but yes, police need to be informed too as he is probably breaking restrictions on his convinction by continuing to persue a woman with a child.

Run. Fast.

Don't believe a word this man says.

Your ex has every right to know, and would rightly hit the fucking roof. If I was him I would be in a lawyer's office seeking full custody before you had hung up the phone.

He is grooming you. When you are fully groomed he will groom your child.

You will lose everything over this- your daughter, your self-respect, your decent friends, your job, your place in your local community.

And that's if you are VERY LUCKY.

What I am about to say is very direct and could be triggering.

An obvious outcome is that he rapes your child. Imagine knowing you could have prevented that but you didn't.

Other obvious outcomes- you find out later it's much more serious than he has told you. You come home one day to find the police taking away your computer because he has used it to access porn. Or your child finds the prom, not the police.

But really, it boils down to this...do you want your child to be raped?

If the answer is no, then never see him again. And if the answer isn't no then you have no business having children.

I don't know you could even stand the sight of him, never mind letting him touch you tbh.

soneone asked where we met, so I was answering - I know he wasn't aware I had a daughter and I initiated the relationship. Yes, I do find that reassuring to know I wasn't intended as prey.

I'm quite cold and dissasociative at present, as I said I haven't paired it up yet.

I knew what I needed to do, my OP said. Which is why I think some comments calling me a troll, disgusting etc. are unfair.

Cease all contact, given your previous relationship history, I'd be inclined to say he has homed in on you and is being manipulative. He is a huge danger to your daughter, and your husband absolutely should know.

Ah sorry Lweji I missed the bit where you asked.

If Op is still dithering it's clear she still wants to play happy families with the pedo.

I only hope her dh finds out and her daughter is removed from any danger her mother is wilfully exposing her to.

It is criminal to not tell the dh when she knows she is exposing her child to a registered pedophile isn't it?

Even if he was looking at the images just to "push boundaries" - he was still prepared to look at these images for whatever selfish purpose, thus propagating their existence. Needless to say that explanation is very dubious even if taken at face value.

I have no real knowledge of how this works but if he is on the SO register, surely just being with your daughter (in your house, on your date at the park) contravenes the terms of this??

Obviously as others have said you should never have contact again and, to be honest I think you should report him as well. He is on the SO register and has attempted to inveigle his way into yours and your daughter's lives.

I'm sure your husband would be delighted to know you are in a relationship with a Dec offender. Quickest way to lose custody of your DD once he finds out.

It matters a lot where you met. Believe it or not there are men who specifically target single women with children for a specific purpose. It matters and was the first thing I thought.

*sex

And more importantly, did he know you had a daughter? Before pursing a relationship with you?

If you decide to stay with him, and it looks like it, you have to talk to his parole supervisor, go see his therapist etc. You need to know what exactly happened.

And btw, 22 isnt that young. A stupid 16 year old on a dare or something is one thing. A 22 yo??!!!!

• I only have his word - he has told you who he is so listen.

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know. Of course he has a right to know, and if you don't tell him you are colluding with a paedophile and could end up losing your child.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life. Which you have already done. So rectify the mess now.
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in. Trust me - you have been taken in, again. Seek some counselling to protect yourself and your DD in future.

Yikes, how can you be cold about this?

"Internet sex offenders don't accidentally get caught the first time they click on a dodgy site. If his activity came to police attention it will have been sustained ."

^^ This. He's bullshitting you.

You need to get this man out of your life and now if you want to be able to keep your DD!

Things like this always end up coming out in the open OP and if it ever got reported back to your DD's school or Social services you would be at serious risk of losing your Daughter for good!

He's grooming you.

People know about the grooming of kids but they don't know that SO's groom women with kids.

^^ This.

If you met a drinks do for work - I expect while you think he didn't know about your DD someone will have said something completely innocent in passing that clued him in. Probably something so minor that they themselves wouldn't remember saying - and possibly not from work possible some mutual acquaintance you may have in common.

He's already setting off red flags - asking you to keep secrets - he's already boundary testing to test your reaction.

Honestly - many such people appear very nice it's what gives them access ffs.

Ffs protect your DD.

Why would any woman choose to stay with someone like this! It's 2016, we have the internet and global communication...pretty much any woman can meet a decent man.