Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Sorry, I was so angered by your OP that I jumped to respond before RTFT. You've done the right thing. I wish my mother had been as quick to protect me from sexual abuse as you are to protect your daughter.

Bforbuckoff, I consider your post well below the bar.

Thank you for posters sharing their difficult experiences - I wish I could say I had the same responses, but I just didn't.

You may not have had the same responses as other posters but you still did the right thing. Remember that.

Do report this man to the police, even if it's just to call 101 for advice.

Have you looked into being some support for yourself? I think you really need to make this a priority.

There should be a large you shaped hole in the wall as you run far away from this vile man.
Hope it all pans out well and you find the strength to do the right thing.

ohdear Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. Much stranger. I know it makes uncomfortable reading but there are some really very disordered-thinking people out there, probably a lot more than any of us would like to think.
You score no points for calling out "Troll!"

" I can honestly say if my dp told me the things he'd done? I wouldn't have had a nice afternoon tea to discuss the finer details."

Have you been abused yourself, both as a child and an adult? Do you have ASD? Then you cannot possibly judge her reactions by comparing them to your own.

Same goes for the several posters who can't understand how the Op can tolerate him near her. She can tolerate him because she's been conditioned to tolerate him before she ever met him.

Abused children in particular can detach themselves from the vilest abuse. It's the only way they can protect themselves, and explains why the Op feels so detached and remote now. That's why posters are recommending counselling for her.

Ohfucks The most appropriate idea is for you to search online for your nearest pattern changing course to help you pick healthier relationships. Starting this thread shows you were listening to your gut feeling. Please trust it and act on it decisively whenever you sense it - it is alerting you to danger or the possibility of danger.

"Thank you for posters sharing their difficult experiences - I wish I could say I had the same responses, but I just didn't."

Ohfucks, I wasn't meaning to make you feel bad for not having the same reaction. I was being rather interested in why, not the judging of it.

I suspect for me, the big thing was that I could very much believe stbxh would do what he did. There were already cracks in the charmingness.

I also wonder if it was easier to see my way through it all as I was in a conventional relationship and trying to lead a conventional lifestyle. That might sound rather boring, and I want to be clear there's no judgement either way. I had my fun earlier on in life, in lots of alternative stuff, and found it was a world I wanted to explore, but not stay in.

But the up side of living life in a more usual way, is that the lines are clear, and there are no blurry areas that a person might exploit. This helps if you do have personal issues around setting boundaries and picking your way through moral conflict.

I had a group of lovely friends who were living all sorts of different 'alternative' live styles and relationships. With hindsight I know they aren't doing the scene right anyway, as agreeing personal relationship boundaries and being very respectful and clear about those is a hallmark of so many alternative cultures. Anyway, one of the things that pulled me out of that way of life was something a marriage counsellor said to my then best friend. She'd cheated on her husband and involved me which I felt very very uncomfortable with. But she justified it all in her head by thinking 'oh he'd be fine because we've done X, X and X before so this isn't much different. Except it was, because he didn't know and he was incredibly hurt when he discovered the cheating. Anyway, they went to marriage counselling, and the counsellor focused a lot on what 'tolerance' means. And the flip side of being tolerant about everything. And wanting to push the boundaries which means playing with the values of tolerance. Which I found really striking as that was what I was struggling with, that I'm not actually tolerant of everything, and in an environment where absolutely anything goes and where those who aren't open minded enough are judged quite harshly, then where are the lines? The boundaries? The ethics?

Sometimes sticking to tolerance at all costs ends up in some very confused results... Eg fascism, I'm not tolerant of the far right in any shape or form, but if you take the ethos of pushing boundaries and tolerance for all, you could end up getting all twisted around into a situation where you are being asked to be tolerant of that.

Or tolerant of affairs etc etc etc.

Anyway, this is just me thinking aloud and please remember the main thing here. You did the right thing.

Thank you Tanith

It is really important to tell the police incase he's doing this with other women with children. Also if he doesn't get in trouble for this he will go further next time as you said yourself he likes pushing boundaries.

Have you reported him yet op?

How did it go with the police? Has SO been in contact since?

Agree with others that this man more than likely knew that you have a kid. Sexual predators like pedophiles are really adept at subterfuge and manipulation. You may think you came on to him but there is a strong likelihood that you were played. He waited long enough for you to bond. Guys like him can sniff out anyone who is vulnerable. It's telling, you met him while you were feeling low. This is how people are sucked into cults or get targeted by fraudsters too. You were his mark and the ticket to direct access to a child. Pedophiles often increase the level and severity of their offenses, i.e. from watching abuse to actually abusing a child. Partly that is to do with having the opportunity and you can provide him with that. You're that ticket! He is grooming you! Big time! And he is being incredibly sinister about it, in that he is making you complicit by asking you to keep this a secret from your DH. That's the trap! He's not ashamed for your DH to find out. He just wants to hide his pedophile interest and be able to manipulate you. Once you're walking into that one you are on a slippery slope to complicity because have knowingly enabled him, you are then in a weak position and he may continually push the goal post a bit more till you totally blurred boundaries. You only have his version of events, which demonstrates massive red flags, i.e. failure to acknowledge and take responsibility for his offense, as well massively downplaying the nature of his offense. This is not the behaviour of a rehabilitated offender! As so many said, for him to have a record and having been caught indicates far more than accessing some imagery as a one-off. I would assume actively sharing extremely abusive content. Contact the probation service and let them know he is dating someone with a child. For your own sake, get a full account of his offenses. I am almost 100 percent certain that the true nature of his crimes will be far more severe. And even if they were 'entry' crimes, pedophiles tend to scale up their deviant behaviour rather than down. You should also be running for the hills that he 'voluntarily' abstained from accessing computers and the Internet. That is more than likely a probation condition and also a strong indicator that he cannot control his urges otherwise. He may actually not be an isolated offender but part of a ring of pedophiles. You eventually may not just have to worry about him but a large network. Your kid could be targeted for him to share the content of his abuse. Cease all contact, tell your DH, tell probation services and find out the exact nature of his crime and conditions. Perhaps even inform work if you met via a work event in case there are other single parents. And work on sorting out your issues. You've crossed some serious boundaries by even considering to continue seeing him.

I can't read all of the thread.

But I read your OP. Break the cycle. Come on.

This is a no-brainer. Run.

How can you keep this from your child's father?

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot. Tell him asap, as his reaction may shock you into seeeing straight.

If you can't be arsed to read the thread, don't bother commenting?! It's not rocket science, after several pages, chances are things have moved on

Oh piss off. It's not a case of not being bothered. Ever heard of a trigger??

Fucking hell.

OP has told her partner.

There's a pretty big trigger warning up there ^ it's no excuse for jumping into a thread offering advice that was taken days ago.

Good.

Thanks, Count.

Right ok - sorry. This stuff makes me quite quickly.

Sorry I accidentally skipped the pertinent page. I read that one too now. So relieved that the OP has told DH. This is good news, as this guy cannot manipulate her as easily. Besides reporting him, the OP needs emotional support and help to safeguard herself against unhealthy relationships in the future. He is the bad guy, she is the victim. He most certainly groomed her. It's very easy to shout at her 'Run' but I pictured how I would feel in her place. Even 3 months into my relationship, I was already so deeply in love with DP, I'd be devastated to find out something like that. I understand that you feel numb with shock. But you do need to do some damage limitation now by making the probation services aware of his grooming.

Op I feel i need to say this, although it might be a bit late. My friend used to work as a probation officer and she would have to deal with mainly drug users/dealers/burgulars/robbers/violent people, every now and then someone would walk through the door who was polite, well spoken and charming, usually nicely dressed etc. these particular people made her skin crawl, because she knew that these ones were the ones that had abused children in some form or another.

they use manners and politeness to worm their way in, they use their "honesty" as a way to make you trust them, he cant be trusted op, please run.

Ohfucks I would seriously still consider going to the police. It sounds to be as if this man was breaching his restrictions seeing you and meeting your daughter.

Paedophiles are predatory, and we have experience of one in our family (he got off when he went to court, for the first time, for what he did) and knowledge of how he subsequently went on to offend with other children. He was later retried and convicted for our case also when further evidence emerged.

Social services wont be interested in you, as soon as you found out you did the right thing and got him out of your life, but the police will be interested in his behaviour and it might help the next person he attempts to groom.

Anyone who has loads of knowledge on this subject could they let me know, as if anyone can advise me, I'd like to PM them to ask about my sis ?
Sorry to hijack thread