Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

You are being a fuckwit. Not sorry if that offends you.

And clearly, you don't care too much for your daughter, or you wouldn't be asking this question.

If I were your DH, I'd be taking custody of your child and getting the hell away from you and your 'boyfriend' the minute I found out just how bloody irresponsible you are.

He is probably only remorseful because he was caught... otherwise where would it have stopped

I wouldn't be so sure he isn't grooming you to get at your dd op.
Already he's asking you to keep secrets as pp have said and of course he's 'very nice', that's what paedophiles do to get at children.

To be honest you can also google his name and find out what happened.

You are the prey for now, he'll move on to your baby girl when he's done getting you on side.

This man KNOWS he shouldn't be anywhere near you. The very SECOND he found out you had a child he should have cut it off if he had any serious intentions of redemption.

But he didn't. He even came along to meet (size up) your daughter.

If you know what to do why didn't you just post for support instead of listing all the things that might mean you'd stay.

Stop playing the victim.

Total carcrash. Not sure I understand you still have a "DH" and a boyfriend?

Sorry that you've had this disclosed to you OP. It must be horrible to hear those things from the person that you are (presumably) falling in love with.

I agree with everybody else that he's told you the story because he's knows that you will find out and he wants to give you his version first. I forgive most things but his history is unforgivable. You don't need to do anything dramatic, just tell him calmly that you've had time to process it and you've come to the conclusion that you can't accept it. And then never see him again.

Better men will arrive in your life, don't settle for this. Don't endanger your dd.

It's an open relationship BlancheBlue

Are you this desperate for a man???

I, too, hope this is fake.

Actually, I agree with the people that say he wasn't caught because he consumed this once. He probably payed for it and watched it repeatedly.

He didn't confess that he once.... Idk, tried to masturbate using a children's clothing catalogue (because that would already be pushing boundaries!!). He did something that genuinely contributed to children being abused!!!

The only way I personally could forgive him and consider continuing a relationship is, if he had been the one that turned himself in.
You know, a mentally ill man doing it once and being so disgusted afterwards that he went to the police immediately. I think I could deal with that, maybe. If he let me talk to his therapist etc. and if he told my DH.

It's really worrying that you're minimising that he's a paedophile. And that you feel cold and detached as a parent.

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL? You sound very vulnerable and this man is weakening you even more.

Please get out of this relationship ASAP and seek proper help.

Arf don't worry. Anyone with half a brain wouldn't use his autism as a reason for him to watch children being raped.

The OP is looking for excuses so will grasp at straws.

I firmly believe that people who collude with abusers are abusers themselves.

How can you be cold about this? It's like freezing, I feel absent from it.

I'm listening. I know. I will. I think Speaking passionately about this is good, because it's helping it sink in, but I didn't know. I didn't plan this. I thought everything was OK.

I hope you the unanimous advice on here OP. It's not often a whole thread agrees on MN.

Its simple. You choose. Him or your daughter. You can't have both.
put yourself at risk of you like, but not your daughter.

If you want to have a life with him, carry on, but leave your daughter with her dad, who will keep her safe. Cut contact completely with her. She is too precious to put her at risk.

I am sure you hold her hand when you cross the road- that keeps her safe, you assed the risk and do what's right.

Assess the risk here, do what's right.

I have worked with sex offenders, and you need to be aware that the chances of a positive rehabilitation are low, and that rates of reoffending are high. I have grave concerns about the set up you describe - not only do you sound extremely vulnerable, but your immediate reaction to this information has been to try to 'process it' rather than to remove yourself entirely from him. You say that he wasn't aware you had a young dd when you first met - I am perhaps projecting some scepticism through the lens of my professional experience, but I would be highly doubtful about that I'm afraid. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, the second he found out about her existence, he should have walked away from you if he was in any way invested in driving his own rehabilitation process - he will be well aware of the implications for you and your dd once SS discover your relationship (and they will).

Please listen to the responses you've had here, and protect your daughter today by making the decision to walk away. It will have been a horrible shock for you to find this out, but there really is only one option for you now. Run.

Trigger warning

He will rape your child.

How can anything be reassuring when that is on the table?

Past issues or not, you need to see the clear and present danger here, and remove both yourself and the tiny, innocent person you have parental responsibility for from this situation IMMEDIATELY.

Have you considered the fact that your relationship,structure is more unusual makes him see you as vulnerable? I.e. A lot of people don't understand or get poly, so you are easier to isolate.

You may have initiated the relationship, but you can bet he had a good idea you had a young child before he agreed to it/continued it.

I didn't know. I didn't plan this. I thought everything was OK.

But you do now.

And your reaction isn't one of immediately protecting your DD. Why?

Have you had any counselling?

Yes, it's offensive in the extreme to suggest that having autism or adhd is in any way linked to viewing images of child abuse. It's just another excuse to justify himself.

Running. Thank you.

There was a similar case on the 'Protecting Our Children' series on BBC. The mother refused to leave the relationship and the child was removed and taken into foster care.

Good.

Good, OP. You're listening.

He met your daughter!! He is asking you to lie for him. He didn't bring you to his therapist, let you read the verdict... nothing. He didn't turn himself in. He was caught.

That's... These aren't the actions of a changed man.

afaik, to end up on the SO register, he didn't accidentally click on something. He sought it out, he paid for and he watched it. He will have gone looking for it and paid for it. He will have watched it more than once. He is excited by the rape and abuse of children. He will groom and abuse your daughter.
How is there any doubt in your mind? How are you not disgusted by the sight of him?
He is drawing you into the circle of abuse and grooming you by asking you to keep secrets.
He wasn't "pushing boundaries" and it has nothing to do with autism, he is a man who wants to rape children.