Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

I read your entire thread and I'll admit I spent most of the first half thinking "I hope you are a troll". I'm guessing this thread wouldn't be still here if you were but I just want to reinforce the fact that sex offenders are often 'lovely', 'charming', friendly, helpful people that's how they get close to their victims.

From my experience with my Dsis and her partner, who was on the SOR when she met him, she has 2 children. He had a probation officer who came to see my sister and explained the situation and she had SS come round to explain his situation. They deemed it ok that he live with her and the children. They still live together and he's off the register.
I'm not happy about it. But there was nothing I could do as the SS and police etc said he was ok and no risk

And it was the same as your situation- viewing abuse images.

I don't think the OPs boyfriend was " just viewing " images. He's been on the register for 10 years and cannot have any contact with children.

No he has been on the register for viewing child abuse images. You get ten years like my Dsis partner. I'm not condoning their relationship at all but SS wouldn't see him as a risk neither would the police. Trust me I've been in this situation but with my sis being in ops position

Have you read the thread, windygales?

This is from another poster earlier:

My stepdad was convicted of downloading and making 25 thousand images. He got a 1.5 year suspended prison sentence and was put on the sexual offenders register for 2 years. From my perspective, it doesn't add up that your boyfriend has been put on the register for much longer for much less. If 25 thousand images gets you on the list for 2 years, what the heck did he do to be put on the list for 10 years? He's lying.

And your sister's partner is lying to her. I hope she doesn't have children.

I remember you Comejoin.

So glad you are in a better place.

greenifer, per my earlier post, either the pp's stepdad isn't telling the truth, or she has got the info wrong.

Oh, OK, sorry. I think I missed that post. Thanks for clarifying! I still hope windy's sister doesn't have children.

This is if convicted. Suspended I don't know.
For 6 months or less 2 years
6 months to 30 months 10 years
30 months and above its life

So the PP saying SS and Police saying it's ok I find hard to believe if on the register for 10 years. I do think someone is lying there and it'll most likely be him.

And now I have read properly and see Windy's sister does have children. How awful.

I'm glad you have made the decision to protect not risk your child.

I know you felt alot of these posts were harsh, but it really isn't usual to have to deliberate about this kind of decision. I'd use this encounter and your reactions to spur yourself on to get some help to move yourself on from being such a vulnerable person, and build a stronger centre and resilience to this kind of attack.

And attack it is, on your family, your wellbeing, and your child's safety, although I'm sure he wouldn't have let it feel like he was attaching the integrity and safeguarding of your family.

I also think you need to go to the police. I understand it's not the kind of thing that you want to do.

It's a lot of hassle but surely you want to give the police the knowledge they need to protect other families?

The "feeling absent", detachment and needing to work through it logically is a combination of shock and being on the autistic spectrum. Completely understandable.

so glad you've come to the right decision and your dh is on board. your dd is safe now. I would definitely report him to the police though as he will be moving on some other vulnerable mother before long, if he isn't already

Thank you green sleeves - I felt like a frozen computer.

I'm not sure it matters, but as misinformation as fact upsets me, the 10 yrs for downloading indecent inages is correct. He has not been in prison and there were no previous or further offences. 10yrs is because there are 3 separate convictions listed - for each category of severity of image, if that makes sense. He would go to prison if he didn't keep to his license restrictions though, so I believe the other posters sisters situation is true.

Sorry I should have mentioned earlier that I referring to the 2015 guidance for police and practitioners regarding the legislation under Part 2 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
As far as I understand doesn't apply retrospectively to original sentences/punishments.
So what you have been told by him is most probably correct.

I'm sorry you were put in this situation but you've done really well Oh in handling the situation.

If you love your daughter you would run a mile !!!!

Comejoin, absolutely spot on. That was my emotionally abusive ex through and through. He used all of that, and more, and it took some seeing through.

Oh, I hope you get the support you need & stay away from this man.

Oh- you've done amazingly! Well handled.
Yes my sister has children and he has one too. His ex wife allows contact. All amicable. Very odd situation.
I think he's sly though and makes nasty comments about my Dneph.
Anyway, maybe this is another thread I should start.

Ah, ok, thanks Greensleeves, that makes some sense. I think the issue is with reading through this thread, that the knee jerk defence mechanism isn't so clearly there.

Ohfucks, that reply from Greensleeves helped me understand your situation more, and although I think you'd benefit from some counselling / personal work on getting yourself more resilient, I wouldn't have written it in the same way. And I hope you can see it as a positive suggestion not a criticism. This is something I'm doing for myself, having been brought up in a rubbish environment so I have gaps in important stuff like protecting myself.

I was thinking back to my reaction to the only vaguely similar situation I've been through, and couldn't make it add up. Not the same situation, but when 'someone' had sidled his way into my affections over years & was an expert at pushing my boundaries and knocking down my defenses. So when he finally revealed his true colours, expecting to press all the right buttons and have me blindly put him first and defend him. Well, I could cope with him behaving terribly to me, but when I found out that my 'husband' had been arrested for rape, the only thoughts that went through my mind were horror, revulsion, and fear that I'd let something wrong and evil over my doorstep. Somewhat illogically, I was scared for my 4 yr old DS, rather than me. I think my thinking was, that if this man can rape, he is a man who could do anything. No shared boundaries like the normal ones in our society. Then add in that he raped someone (whilst married to me, thank you very much!), then he span a tale of woe to blame the woman... What kind of person does that? Not a husband, not a father, not someone who wants to build a good life, respecting those around him. It's someone who hates women, who uses and abuses those weaker than himself. It's someone who makes the world a worse place for those around him, whatever lies he spins.

I was physically filled with adrenalin and shaking all over whilst very gently edging him out of the door. And when I closed that door I felt like I'd shut a vicious and unpredictable wild animal out of my home. Away from my son.

I know this isn't the same situation as you OP, but I'm sharing this as this is my frame of reference, and trying to understand the differences.

Perhaps it's that under the lies and pretence I could see the bad... Even if I didn't want to be seeing it. So when he 'explained away' his rape, I could believe he did it, I could imagine him doing it. Even though I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't help myself but know in my heart that this man is capable of such a thing.

Maybe it's because being a rapist is easier to get your head around than the utterly incomprehensible desires of a man wanting to hurt and destroy children. I say that with reservations because it's in no way a good thing that we can imagine violence against women so easily.

Anyway, excuse the thinking out loud.

Good luck

op most areas have specific counselling services available for those who have experienced sexual abuse, it's obviously very specialised and I feel that your past experiences and abuse will have massively coloured what you see as acceptable and normal. Have a Google, you can often self refer.

I also agree with a pp suggestion of the freedom programme, it will help you identify the warning signs in not only romantic relationships but friendships etc also.

Absolutely horrible situation to be in, I think there have been some incredibly harsh responses given your past and vulnerability and I hope you can use this to help you get some support in place to help you keep yourself and DD safe going forward.

My childrens Dad is currently in prison the other side of the world for similar charges and let me tell you they are manipulative at best. I had absolutely NO idea and I lived with him for 7 years. I would've bet my life on him not have done this if he obviously hadnt got so much evidence against him. Hes being sentenced next week and let me tell you its blown my life apart being with him. Ive lost my kids , my house , my dog , everything Ive known and even now I sit and feel like Ive been hit by a whirlwind. Sociopath/Psychopaths a lot of them. I havent read this thread because its still quite raw for me but these people are dangerous ... not just to your children but to you too ... they have NO line. There is no mental line to say THIS is wrong and the last thing you want is SS in your life. These people are mentally ill . Stay away . Not just for the kids safety but for your own too .
And I say that from experience coz I feel like Ive spent the last 10 years (7 years with him) knowing someone who is a completely different person. They hook you in , pretend to be something theyre not and then give it 8 month's or so his true colours will start showing but before you know it , youre hooked in the whirlwind . You are on the emotional rollercoaster and once hes finished with you he will chuck you away whilst your head is still spinning...
This is life with someone with a personality disorder .
He is making you feel sorry for him and this is what they do ... do some research !

Nice bit of victim blaming right there BuckOff

You did the right thing op, can't say anything moe than what other have

WTF is wrong with you that you need to ask a bunch of strangers if you, a woman with a child no less, should continue to have a relationship with a convicted paedophile? (That's what he is, regardless of what pseudo-babble explanation he gave you.) Jesus wept.