Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

No way!!!!!!!!!! Your dd needs protecting. Never ever ever see this man again.

I'm very concerned you had to even ask this op.

I have high functioning autism...there is no man on this planet that would be worth losing or endangering my child over.

He watched children being raped, he got gratification out of watching people tape children like your own daughter.

And you even wonder for a second whether to continue the relationship?!

What the fuck are you thinking?

I can completely understand why it's a shock - you think you know someone and then they tell you this. But now you know, you absolutely must cut all ties and have nothing more to do with him.

If you carry on seeing him, you would be the WORST mother. Run a fucking mile! Even clicking on those images creates more traffic, and enables the child abuse. He is GUITLY, and sick. The fact you are even asking I find a little disgusting.

Trigger warning for being graphic about child sexual abuse -

He gets sexual pleasure out of watching children be abused. Imagine that. Sit down, close your eyes and imagine him sat at his computer masturbating while watching a 7 year old being raped. She'd probably be sobbing and crying and he's having an orgasm. Do you still want to be with him? Really? If so, you need to have some therapy for your own issues.

You don't get 10 years on the register for the milder images. You get that for distributing images or having many of the worst kind, as far as I am aware.

Don't put your daughter at risk over a stranger. I work with these men professionally and it is very hard for them to change. The fact that he is saying it was to push boundaries etc means he is still in denial about his sexual deviancy so he remains at risk of reoffending. Don't be fooled by him.

I would think that not having internet access or a pc is actually part of his license conditions. it's highly unlikely that he has set this boundary for himself, as evidenced by the fact that he is actively pursuing a relationship with someone who has a young child.

just get rid of him. no big scenes necessary - just a 'this isn't working' and a fast fade.

He's grooming you.

People know about the grooming of kids but they don't know that SO's groom women with kids.

There are THOUSANDS of men out there who would be more than happy to be your new boyfriend.

he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company

= Grooming

Monsters don't get close to their victims, "nice men" do.

I'm so sorry op

If he has told you to not tell your husband, then hes grooming you Im surprised he's not triggering you constantly given your background. I think he knows your vulnerable and is a class A abuser, bin him off tell your husband.

Also yes - I've ignored the comments about my relationship structure because it works for us. As long as everyone is responsible and honest it works out.

Also - no, he didn't know I had dd when we started seeing each other. That reassures me.

How did you meet him?

You are deluded

NOTHING SHOULD FUCKING REASSURE YOU!!!!!!

Please be a troll. For the sake on an innocent young girl who's own mother can't put her first instantly please be a troll.

If you can read sentencing guidelines so can he. He will only have told you the minimum he can to increase the chance of swaying you to stay with him without not telling you at all. Trying to kill himself is no proof of remorse. He could have easily tried to do that because he got caught. It's not the same thing. 22 isn't young and stupid. Plenty of 22 year olds do not look at images of child abuse.

You're clutching at straws to try and convince yourself but you know what you have to do.

Trying to kill himself is no proof of remorse.

Assuming that's true.

Apart from anything I could verify myself, I wouldn't trust anything out of his mouth.

Also, OP, the person I mention above - I found him on twitter grooming pre-teen girls after he'd told me almost exactly what your person told you. Run. Run run run.

You need to ask us this question??

Get rid.

ive worked with abusers and they all come out with the same minimising shite and poor me stuff- such as attempted suicide.

they are vile people and you even considering staying with him is so wrong. get yourself some therapy asap. and as to the honesty of your relationship, you already havent been honest about this mans sexual predatory past/present life. so how does that work?

Tell your DH. His reaction should tell you all you need to know.

Tell your dh, and then tell this man it's over and your dh knows all about it and he's never to get in touch with you again. Then go and see your gp and get some counselling/therapy to try and help you sort out all the stuff that's happened to you in the past

I really appreciate the comments

I think some of them are a bit unfair though - I have only just discovered this. And yes, I'm struggling to piece the person I knew with this new information. I haven't had time to process it. I'm here for advice, which is being given, and its sinking in.

He's already asking you to keep secrets.

Even without the criminal record, what happens when his need to "seek challenges and push boundaries" starts to affect you and your DD?

And what about your DD's friends? Their families won't know about his criminal record. They will see him as 'safe' and won't know that he should never be left alone with your child.

Holy shit, thank your lucky stars you found out now, run, and don't look back.

No question, he's a fucking monster.

And yes, I'm struggling to piece the person I knew with this new information.

I'm not surprised. He charmed you (or groomed you) and now he drops the bomb, knowing you'll have trouble ditching him.

What would you tell your DD in similar circumstances? Do what your head tells you. The heart will eventually follow.

Why do people keep asking stuff like this? There is one answer - run. Stay away. No contact ever again.

And please don't insult Autistic people like myself by using it to excuse the behaviour of a monster.

Sorry for Daily Fail link, but this is his ilk - www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3826561/Prison-good-child-rapists-Petition-White-House-asks-hanging-death-man-charged-brutal-rape-murder-girlfriend-s-ten-month-old-daughter-horror-basement-attack.html