Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

There's 'pushing boundaries' and there's watching images of children being raped. They're not the same thing and I'm concerned that you think they are.

End it now.

Is your own happiness really worth the risk to your child?

Sorry but I can't think he would use that to just to push boundaries when there are a million other ways to do that. He probably did get gratification from it and even if he didn't just downloading those images is encouraging the abuse of children.

If you continue seeing him you will have to tell your husband. If I was your husband I would not want my child having any contact with him. The relationship would have to be completely separate from your daughter ie only see him when your daughter is with your exDH.

Get out, immediately. I can see no circumstances in which dating a child sex offender are healthy. Get out immediately and don't look back.

So in your own words, you fall for men with a 'sociopathic intensity' and you are shacking up with a paedophile and risking the safety of your DD because he's been kind to you?

That's not just a car crash waiting to happen that's a pile up.

You should tell your dh, as far as I can see, he's the only actor in this mess who has the potential to put your DD first.

No, just no. You have a young daughter. Run, don't walk, away from this man. He'll be telling you a very selective and highly edited version of the truth which is probably much worse than he's letting on. And even if he is being completely honest, it's a bad idea.

And please have some time alone and do some work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

Run for the hills.

Tell your husband about his past. Perhaps use 'Sarah Law' to find our the truth.

Assume he lying you. 10 years to have to register seems long time for what he is telling you.

Oh and I wouldn't take any comfort in the fact he no longer owns a computer.... does he not trust himself?

Everyone does deserve a second chance

No they don't.

We have the sex offenders register because there are people who should not be given a "second chance".

If you give this child sex offender a "second chance" that includes access to your child, then you are not a safe person to be in the child's life.

Op- I understand that you may feel that way, but even though he may of taken those steps, he still committed the offence in the first place. This man has seen graphic images of children - through choice.
You need to cut all contact, for the sake of your DD. I really think you are vulnerable and need to address this before even thinking about being in a relationship with someone who has not been prosecuted for such a serious offence let alone someone who has.

He's told you the bits he's ok with you knowing.
If your daughter means anything to you then stay well away from this man.

Ok, I didn't read the entire post, just got as far as the viewing child abuse images. Obviously you're not on your own, but the rest still stands.

He has told you who he is. Listen, then take the appropriate action, which is to remove him from your life.

Paedophilia is not a matter of youth or stupidity.

A genuinely remorseful man would not start relationships with vulnerable mothers of small children.

Has it ever occurred to you that he is targeting you because yiu have such a young daughter?

It should.

You risk losing your daughter altogether if you don't leave this man now. Your husband would have every right to move away with your child, to avoid her having anything to do with this man.

Can you not see that?

Run a mile. Now. Seriously.

But SO aside, who is to say its not 'normal' to have a boyfriend and a husband if all are constenting?? What is 'normal' anyway

I'm in a 3 person poly relationship and it works fantastically for us.

Run. I'm concerned that you've even had to ask.

You don't know anyone after just 3 months. You have no idea if he is grooming you to get close to your DD. I'm sure you were open from the start that she existed. He knows how to play the game and gain your trust.
Tell your husband
Walk away

Even if the risk is teeny tiny that he could offend again, why would you take that risk with your daughter?

I seriously can't believe you're in two minds about dumping this disgusting person.

Dump him and tell your husband why.

I've read the sentencing guidelines and what he's said lines up with those.

I'm clearly not happy about it and my dd - which is why I'm here. Biggest red flag for me was that I couldn't tell DH. Abusers like secrets.

Yes, Am aware I have a fuck ton of issues.

Thank you - I'm just still in shock.

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

A second chance to what? Groom OP and gain access to her DD?

You can't say it's not a possibility.

OP, if you stay in this relationship then you don't deserve your dd.

Dangerous people often are 'kind' - that's how they draw you in. You'd run a mile if they were awful at first.
It's that ability to be 'nice' or charming that's so dangerous.

Run a mile, tell your dh and cut contact immediately- the risk to your child is too great.

As he is dating a women with a young female child and has met the child I am surprised there hasn't been police intervention already to ensure you are completely up to speed with the truth of his conviction. Bet he hasn't told the police/his social worker.

Why doesn't he have internet/computer, allegedly by choice, is it because he could not control himself to not look at images again? This man with his convincing reasoning and his "pushing boundaries" will not be good for you or your daughter.

Run and don't look back, text him and tell him not to contact you again then block his number/fb/whatever.

And you have absolutely NO RIGHT to keep this information from your dh.

Abusers like secrets, yes. And they get to have them because people like you conspire with them.

FFS. I really hope this is a wind up.

he has and would never be alone with dd

Why would you want a bf that you don't trust around your DD?

That would be the end for me.