Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Run a million miles. Fast.

I could never be in a relationship with someone who had done such a thing even no matter the reason for doing it or if I thought that they would never do it again. It makes my skin crawl and I think about the children who suffered and I feel sick. I could be with someone knowing they had even seen such images let alone shared them.

Gosh how unfair we all are, telling you to pull your head out of your ass and put your daughter first.

What sort of mother needs telling that in the first place?

You are talking about being 'reassured', about maybe staying in a long term relationship with a pedophile when you have a child.

A pedophile who is displaying classic grooming behaviour.

Maybe ask your daughter in a few years who was being unfair?

Op, I was in two minds about cutting the person I knew out of my life, too. I genuinely do know how you feel. I really LIKED the guy. But he was a bad, bad person. I felt sick to my stomach when I found him flirting with an 11 year old girl on twitter.

I told the police, but I don't know if they even took me seriously. :/

The fact that you even have to ask the question is concerning. Your responsibility is to protect your daughter.

There no decision to make here. You cut all contact with him immediately & tell him you'll report him to police if he contacts you again.

Even if you had no child I am astonished you could contemplate a relationship with a man who has this history and predeliction.

He did watch images of child abuse for sexual pleasure. Not for research purposes or to 'push boundaries '. He's a manipulator and not telling dh places you into a criminal category, I fear.

Leave and reassess your own boundaries because every single poster is shocked that you need to ask.

We met at a work event

I haven't had time to process it.

You don't have to process it. You don't have to understand it. You don't need to appreciate all the moving parts in this. You JUST need to leave him and cement that by telling your dh everything.

Later, when you have done that, then you need to get help to sort out good boundaries for yourself and your DD. There shouldn't be a question mark over what happens next.

Why does it matter where you met?!

Please listen to what is being said by everyone about the new boyfriend (and ignore any irrelevant stuff about your relationship stuff with your DH).

Run, now, for the sake of your daughter - cut contact and don't look back. Whether he knew you had a child or not doesn't matter.

Even if his vile and frankly unforgivable past doesn't do it for you, you are talking about being with someone you can't and won't ever trust alone with your daughter, because he is a paedo (which is why he is a registered sexual offender, that should be enough for anyone).

Putting all of your issues aside you need to put your daughter first. You also have to tell your DH. If you are feeling particularly sympathetic towards the paedo then cut contact before you do this, but please please do it.

*couldn't not could

How will you explain this to your DD in 10 years time?

I appreciate you didn't come
here for comments on your relationship and I'm not against open relationships (having been in one myself) but they usually only work when you have your head screwed on and your shit together. Given your issues I don't think it's best for you.

I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy

It may be pleasant and easy (for now), but it doesn't mean that there aren't sociopath traits in him.
FGS, he is a convicted sex offender.

This

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries

should not be in the reassuring list. (I'll disregard the autism making it part here)

FFS. There is no 'choice' to be made. You have a daughter and he is a sex offender. Stop any contact with him and start protecting your family.

How can the sight of him not make you want to vomit now you know what he is anyway?

You need to tell your husband right now.

He has an absolute right to know.

Up until now, you have been innocent in this.

Any move to cover this up or continue any relationship with him puts you in the wrong.

Pretty unanimous response. This is not a risk you can take.

So upsetting to read.

NO NO NO! Get away.

It's only been 3 months. End this relationship now.

Even if you think he's remorseful and deserves another chance - not with you (a victim of SA) and not with a mother of a small child. It's just too much of a risk and you need to step away now. Let him find his recovery in a relationship without any small children around and with someone he can't accidentally trigger.

It has to be a 'no'.
It isn't m matter of weighing up pros and cons .
Facts are facts, he is on the SOR, you have a young Dd.
No debate.

And if there were:
It is a massive red flag that he told you not to tell your DH, your Dd's other parent.
It is a massive red flag that while saving his own skin (keeping the conditions of not coming to your house) he allowed you to bring your Dd to a meeting outside the home BEFORE he told you.

Of course he engenders your trust. Do you think he would sidle around in a dirty Mac making lewd comments ?

Internet sex offenders don't accidentally get caught the first time they click on a dodgy site. If his activity came to police attention it will have been sustained .

He may or may not be both genuinely remorseful and rehabilitated, but it isn't for you to decide . It is just for you to stop this friendship immediately , AND tell your DH. Even though you are stopping the liaison .

If I found out that my partner had introduced me and our child to someone on the SOR and chosen not to tell me, I would leave, take my child, apply for a Residence Order, seek advice from SS, and try and ensure that by law all contact was supervised .

If my DP told me , and cut off all contact, I would think 'lucky escape' and know to avoid any further overtures of contact from this man.

There is no choice, OP, you must stop all contact .

And tell your DH.

Why does it matter where you met?!

I asked about it, to try and establish how well (or not) the OP knows him and how much of what he said is remotely true.

So, work event. Do you know people who know him well? And you don't know his history. Have you met any family?

In fact, do you have evidence that he's convicted? He could simply be grooming you to eventually be accepting of his "tastes".

There are other men who are not convicted paedophiles. You have a five year old. He likes looking at pictures of people raping small children. You seriously need to ask what to do here?

Sorry, the actual reason I asked initially was to establish if he'd known about DD. At least when starting a proper relationship.

Could he have seen you before? Or somehow know you had a DD?

It's not unfair.

Sorry, but you don't get to act like some little victim here.

I don't give a shit when you found out. You know. And a decent mother's instinct would be to tell him where to go, to be horrified you had your child anywhere near him, and to inform the police that he's pursuing relationships with women with young children.

You're already listing reasons to stay with him. It's right there in your OP. These are the reasons why I think I should stay with someone who is a child abuser: blah, blah, blah.

Your current attitude makes you dangerous for your dd.