Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Ok.
Men with his " proclivity" should not be in romantic relationships period. They are disordered, their needs to become aroused by watching children be sexually abused and tortured can not be rehabilitated out of that. Quite frankly, - short of being put down, they need to live with the fact that they don't deserve sexual contact of any Kind.
But they don't do they. They try their luck, usually with vulnerable women with access to children. They try every trick in the book to find someone with low self esteem or down on their luck and try to guilt them into a relationship. Sometimes they find someone desperate enough to totally dissociate from the reality of Their crimes. They play down the reality of their crimes, tjey never admit it was sexual in nature ( that would make them a monster right?) they lie and manipulate until they succeed.
You got some good advice and you took it op. But the'll be another Woman. He will just keep trying the roulette wheel until he eventually gets "lucky".

Yes Degust, I have read the whole thread. The mere fact its taken a huge amount of mumsneters to confirm to op that this is a dangerous situation for dd is worrying. I can honestly say if my dp told me the things he'd done? I wouldn't have had a nice afternoon tea to discuss the finer details. Op mentioned they met at work, but he didn't realise she had dd-naive doesn't cover it ffs! Does she really think he wont have asked around? Does op really think she initiated the relationship? This is the bit that worries me! Hopefully dp will go and knock the dps head off because he deserves nothing less

I can't believe you even have to ask....end all contact immediately, obviously.

And tell your DH

OP, I don't think such people ever change. It's what he is. He might not like it about himself, he might restrict himself on not having temptations (e.g. having a computer) but he cannot change other things in his head like liking children.

Just tell him you appreciate him being sincere with about his past but you cannot go with it. Sorry. He has actually told you about himself as early as possible in your relationship. Imagine you would always have to think what does he think when he sees your daughter. Do you really need these worries?

End it and never look back

You know what you need to do. Your DD (and her friends) come first. Why would you even consider risking it?

She's told him Just wish people would at least read the ops posts!?

This nonsense really does beggar belief.

Especially on such a sensitive subject

You've done the right thing OP

It's got it all. Autism. ADHD. Adultery. An open relationship. Child Abuse. An apparent first time poster.

Jesus. You couldn't make it up. Or perhaps you could.

ohdear then report it.

I have

I cannot believe that you would even contemplate seeing this scum (this is most polite word I can come up with) for even a fraction of a second let alone type a post asking what others think.

People like this never deserve a second chance. He is blatantly using you to get to your daughter and he's told you about his 'past' to test you.

I hope and pray that you never see this man again and that your dd remains safe and away from his prying eyes and disgusting thoughts.

He likes children. A paedophile can not be rehabilitated. Protect your daughter and cut this guy out of your life!

Please keep your little girl safe and never see this man again, as a mother your number one priority is to protect your child no matter what. That includes sacrificing any relationship that you might be in if dangers your child.

I hope your chat with DH puts you a better step forward with removing this man from your life.

comejoin is very right my ex used all those tactics and once it no longer worked it was the opposite - you ruined my life, you made me like this, you're a cunt, everyone hates you etc.

Oh how they turn once you are no longer their cheerleader.

How did the chat with your husband go?

My sister is with an fella who was on the SO register for ten years.
Comejoin your posts are amazing, insightful but bloody worrying

Please make a csod or Sarah's law application to your local police. You cannot take any chances here.

Wow if this is true, it's horrific! Glad you told your DH, if I had any clue who you were or thought I recognised you I would be ringing social services first thing. How scary to not immediately end the relationship and to have to think about it and write up the pros and cons. Your poor DD

Thanks for your very helpful posts comejoin

Was good to talk to DH. For now we're focusing on just cutting contact, this has really pushed me to the edge and I'm not sure I can manage more action today.

Thank you to everyone that's posted. The PAs and troll hunting have been very hard, but I understand the strength of emotion behind them.

And I'm not a first time poster, just a name changer.

That's good. Take it easy and mainly concentrate on protecting your child. It should make it easier.

But you will need to find that inner strength to ward off men like this. You shouldn't have to rely on your OH.
Perhaps consider the Freedom Programme or even counselling.