Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

leaveittothediva

FFS, at least read the last update.

ohfucks you've done the right thing, I can understand why you're feeling overwhelmed.

Please do look into getting some support for yourself as well though. Take the first step and the rest will follow.

I'm so glad you've talked to your husband, Ohfucks. You've done the right thing. But don't forget to speak to the police too. They need to know this man (I use the term loosely) has tried to start a relationship with a person with a small child. It's really important that you do this.

I have a good friend who was a police officer, who worked in child protection. She talked to me a while ago about a similar case. I can't give you details, obviously, but it's really important that you let them know what's happened. I know it's hard, but do your best.

Yes, please do report this man to the police. I understand this will be difficult and unpleasant but it's important that you do. They need to know what he's up to.

Op, you said that you met him at work. What line of work are you in?

It's just dawned on me that I can't seek help from gp or NHS without being reported to social services, right? Perhaps even the other charity services? Feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.

Ohfucks

You ended it once he disclosed that was a sex offender. You safeguarded correctly (albeit with a bit of guidance!) and made the correct choice, so you don't have anything to fear from Children's Services.

OP: no one will report you to social services unless they believe your children to be in danger. None of what you told us here would result in that, providing that you have indeed cut contact with this man. I was under mental health care while pregnant and SS were not involved, and certainly seeking support like people have suggested would never need to involve social services.

Lweji. Ffs, Mind your own business and keep your beak out of what I post. Why do you care, scroll the fuck on. Didn't know you were now the OP.

I believe certain services are obliged to report any child protection concerns so yes, that is a possibility. Please don't use that as a reason not to seek support though. You aren't the first person to be taken in by an abuser and you won't be the last.

leaveit I also think your posts are really uncalled for.

Op please go to the police. You have been groomed by a sex offender and they need to know so they can stop him. He's taking the step between viewing and doing. You have done nothing wrong. These people are clever and manipulative and they can smell vulnerability like sharks smell blood. You have spoken to your child's father and made the correct choice to end your association with this man. Should you not do that it is almost inevitable that the Police and the social services will come to you, assuming they don't know about you already. If you go to the police then it is likely a social worker will speak to you but that is not a bad thing. They're there to make sure your child is safe and protected and they may be able to offer you help if you need it. They are not The Child Catcher. You can help stop this man raping a child just like your own.

leaveit surely you must have realised when posting that some people might disagree with you? Both your posts are out of order.

leaveit your posts read as someone who likes kicking people when they're down. The OP has finished with this guy and told her husband.

Ohfucks I just want to wish the best with your future, I hope you get support and encouragement to stay strong and to continue to put your daughter first. You and your daughter are worth far far more than the manipulations of abusers.

leaveit that's not really how it works on a chat forum...

Other people will comment on your post. If you don't like the rules, you're not obliged to post here.

I'd not believe him If it was me.

Your whole situation is odd though tbh

Ok, those are reassuring posts - I guess it's right they get involved if there's a risk. I just feel so ashamed of the association.

Ohfucks PLEASE go to the police, you haven't done anything wrong. You found out he was a SO and have now broken contact to protect your DD and yourself. They will be able to direct you to the correct support and IF he has broken any conditions HE will get into trouble not you. Please, please do this. You don;t need to keep this a secret, in fact it is far better that you do not. If social services were to hear anything they would also hear that you have gone to the police and therefore would have no reason to concern themselves.

@ being told to mind your own business on a chat forum!

How are things today Ohfuck ? I really hope you've found the strength to call 101, you've done nothing wrong.

How did the ex take it?

Keep your husband in the loop of any contact won't you? And take care of yourself.

Thinking about it, it may go against you should this come out at some point and you can't show that you have broken contact with this man and acted to protect your family in a way that's verifiable like contacting the police or your GP and asking for advice (for example, if you split from your husband and he wants residence of your DD).

I'm not saying this to try and frighten you but you do need to be aware how statutory services might view this and how it could possibly be used against you in future - I just want to emphasise the importance of acting in your and your family's best interests. Hopefully none of this will ever happen and you won't need to worry about it but forewarned is forearmed.

Cross posts there.

You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. of course it was a shock but you've processed it and made the right decision. Like I said upthread, you aren't the first to be conned by an abuser and you won't be the last - these people are skilled confidence tricksters and con artists. You listened to the niggling 'this isn't right' feeling, sought advice and have acted on it. There are people who would just have accepted what he said and gone along with it. You didn't do that.

Sorry to keep going on about it but please do call the police. I know it's overwhelming and scary but they need to know this person is targeting parents of young children.

Aside from that though please also look at getting some support for yourself. I know you think Women's Aid aren't for you but even if they aren't they could point you in the right direction. Apologies if I'm way off beam here but I do feel you could do with more support than you're getting.

Ohfucks
You've done nothing wrong other than fall for a wrong un. It was a shock and you've done the right thing since in protecting your dd.

The autgrotites will view you like as a victim of grooming. But you're not a victim anymore because you acted immediately and this will undoubtedly be taken on board. You protected your child. That is the important factor here.

fucks you've come a long way since you first posted, keep that in mind and it's only been a day.
Please report this to the police. You've done nothing wrong.

Well done Op for doing the right thing.

This man is so skilled at grooming that other Mums might fall for him and his lies with tragic consequences which is why you MUST inform the police.

Stay strong.