Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Well done OP, and I would be freaking out too. I will say this again, have a chat with women's aid. You have been abused by this man.

Your 'bf' doesn't have sexual desire because he is not attracted to post pubertal women. His attraction lies elsewhere.

Report also to the police. Good luck

Come your post is a disgrace.

Is it right though?

Elendon why is that post a disgrace? Read it again...

oneshot, re:your stepdad, if he is on the SOR for 2yrs, he got a caution. If he got 18mths suspended, he should be on it for 10yrs.

The relevant bit of legislation is s.82 Sexual Offences Act.

OP, well done on taking these first steps. But it is really important you tell the police, because as I said earlier, I suspect he has breached an order.

Because this is a person with paedophile sexuality, not someone with adhd and autism if true! The two are entirely separate.

The post was not saying that paedophilia is related to ADHD or autism. On the contrary.

How does that make my post a disgrace?.

I'm saying ADHD isn't a reason for downloading images of child abuse. So refuting his claim that that could be a contributory factor.

And therefore saying what you are - the two are separate.

Are you mad?! RUN and don't looks back , you can't have a sex offender around your child

I didn't say that though. Lweji. This is a sexual deviant grooming a vulnerable woman. Of course he has adhd and autism (not), it what secures the link and friendship.

Well you didn't make that clear. Obviously. Thanks for the clarification.

Because this is a person with paedophile sexuality, not someone with adhd and autism if true! The two are entirely separate

Yeah.

That's what Come said. I have ADHD and was nodding along to everything they wrote.

Well you didn't make that clear.

Well, actually, I thought it was clear.

This thread is really sad. It just goes to show how predators work. OP I really, really hope that you have your eyes opened here. Your boyfriends lies are used to drag you in, make you feel like he's not a danger, that he's sorry for what he did. He wants you to feel like he deserves a second chance and that he has changed and is no danger to your daughter. HE IS LYING. He wants you to believe he had no control over it all as his autism was to blame. HE IS LYING. He wants you to think he is being sooooo good by refusing to stay over or be alone with your daughter. HE IS LYING. What he IS doing is making sure the authoritys don't catch on to where he is or WHO he is gaining access to. He doesn't want your husband to know because any Dad I know would hit the roof if any perv like your boyfriend was even in the same street as his child, nevermind in the same house! And he's scared your husband will report him and he'll be in serious trouble.

I hope you have heard this thread loud and clear and don't fall for this shit. Report him. And if you ever hear that he is dating someone with a child then report again and let that parent know, because most parents would run a fucking mile from this, not wonder if maybe he is just a poor misunderstood sod who made a mistake.

His only mistake was getting caught, that's the only thing he;s sorry about.

OP, it's good that you know you have to protect your daughter, and good that you've told her father. And I really hope you are going to notify the police.

I know you have a lot on plate right now, but I need to say this.

You describe yourself as naïve and that you pick bad partners.

You don't seem to know if you're separated or in an open relationship - there's a hell of a difference! Open relationships are successful for some but honestly I always go about them - because they're also a minefield for the exploitation of vulnerable people.

It's a few shades of weird that your husband met this man. To approve the open relationship? Because he's voyeuristic?

And of course you treating a third party to your open relationship as a suitable person to expose to your daughter anyway!

You sound incredibly vulnerable and that's before you mention your own past experience of abuse

Do you have someone IRL that you can talk to? This whole separated or open relationship lack of clarity really stands out. I urge you to get some support, perhaps from Women's Aid.

I was trying to help the OP because I understand how these sexual predators work.

And right this minute - OP is saying she won't see him again. But I also know how vulnerable women can be in the face of skilled manipulators; especially when they have OPs history. 99% of women will say that's it, I'll never see him again. Most will mean it.

A percentage of women are vulnerable to having their minds changed - even if they don't think they are.

And he'll start off by saying of course I understand your decision, you're a great Mum and I wouldn't want to know me if I was you. You're too good for me but it was lovely to have the fantasy for a bit of being able to love someone like you but i'm too fucked up. I should have known it could never happen.

Then seeming to respect boundaries so a text or social media after a 'respectful' amount of time to say I know we can't be together and I won't blame you if you tell me to fuck off but I miss you and can't stop thinking about you and want you to know how amazing you are. Then begging to talk to her just one more time to 'get closure' and be able to say goodbye. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't handle that the last time we saw each other, I didn't know and didn't say all the things I wish I had.

And if the woman agrees because.. i'm sure I'll still say goodbye but I'll always wondered if I don't talk to him right?. What if he was abused like I was? He was lovely to me so I owe him a chance to really explain don't I?.

And he'll pull everything out of the bag; Autism makes me see things this way....ADHD makes me inpulsive, ADHD makes me hyper-focus on things even if I don't want to. Or the ADHD meds make me focus too much and I couldn't pull myself away. My Dr says this is common etc etc. If I had someone like you in my life there's no way I'd ever have been in a place to do what I did. If I had you in my life it would never happen again.

And I'm preparing the OP so she can know that's bollocks; not clinically correct and part of the grooming.

There are thousands of women knowingly in relationships with sex offenders and that doesn't happen because they say 'I'm aroused by rape and abuse so accept it love'. It happens because of what I've said above - a combination of vulnerability of the women and clever manipulation on the part of the abuser.

comejoin what an awful post to read - but so so important.

OP I'm glad you've taken what everyone has said on board. For me the SO register would have sent me running for the hills but when he said don't tell your dh. No. We always drummed into our DC that if anyone said don't tell your mum or dad unless it was about a birthday or Christmas present that was the minute they were to immediately come and tell me or their dad.
He may seem lovely he isn't but you have to put your child first or lose them but thankfully you seem to have realised that.

Comejoin - fucking hell that was all way too familiar.

I've read some of the thread and see the op has taken the comments on board. I know someone who had routine visits from social services after their first child was born and later found out it was because her bf was on SO register for sexual contact with a young child. They found out that the judge commented on sentencing that he believed it wasn't for sexual gratification but 'to see what happened'. Although only the individual will ever know the reason why they did what they did, it shows spectacularly poor decision making. 22 isn't really young. Do you want someone who doesn't have the ability to stop themselves from making such choices near your children? You would also be involving social services in your family and that simply is not fair on your children. Hope you do stick to not seeing him again op.

Cut all contact now. Firstly, your husband has a right to know who is coming into contact with your daughter, secondly, your daughter has a right to be safe (the risk is way way too high to take) and thirdly, if SS were to find out you could lose your child. Leave him, block his number, stay away from him.

OP - I have a lot of professional understanding of ADHD and of sexual predators.

I'm glad it has resonated with you and will hopefully prepare you for what is likely to come. And my aim was to help so I feel less pissed off by having my original post labelled a disgrace

No, I really valued it. Thank you

*You don't seem to know if you're separated or in an open relationship - there's a hell of a difference! Open relationships are successful for some but honestly I always go hmm about them - because they're also a minefield for the exploitation of vulnerable people.

It's a few shades of weird that your husband met this man. To approve the open relationship? Because he's voyeuristic?*

This.