Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

He has been kind to you and you enjoyed his company.

Is your DH kind and do you enjoy his company?

comejoin yikes, that's a public service you're offering by publishing the "script"

Looks like it was helpful to OP as well

DH is a whole other bucket of fish. Largely incompetent but he's a decent dbs checked guy.

I've been thinking about therapy but I'm not sure where I could turn. I can self refer for talking therapies for depression/stress/anxiety but this doesn't seem right for that, and seems like relate wouldn't cover this?- not really sure where I could turn? Women's aid I'm not sure is right either.

And to all reading - my 'script' post pretty much applies for most predators/abusers.

And then when you 'rescue' them with your 'amazing' love despite the evidence of them being an abuser in some way or form; it becomes a stick to beat you with. Because I told you I was fucked up and this is what being with a fucked up person is like - I warned you and you still wanted me.. I can't help being like this and I told you you were too good for me.

Or a manipulation tool to keep you - but you're the only one that ever understood, the only person that really knows me, the only person that can help me. Without you, I'm nothing, I'll kill myself, no-one will ever love me like you do and I am so sorry I do this but it's because you're the only person I really trust to show this side of me. I love you so much that I push you away by doing this because I don't trust anyone else to not leave because everyone else did. It's how vulnerable I feel with you that makes me scared so I act like this.

Sorry.....got on a roll there but I think there'll be women reading this thinking 'I'd never be with a sex offender' but being with some other kind of abuser so I hope OP won't mind me saying it.

If you're not sure where to turn, I think Women's Aid would be at least a place to start.
They may not be appropriate, but they are likely to have experience referring woman to different services in your area, so will have a good view of the options.

Why are you in an open relationship (if you are?) and why did your husband meet your boyfriend?

Wow comejoin that post is a real eye opener.

ohfucks what matters is that you access therapy. If your GP is good start there as GPs are a gateway to other services. And definitely do get in touch with Women's Aid. I think there's a misconception that they are just for battered women, that's not the case.

I agree with others that you sound incredibly vulnerable. That is not a value judgment on you or a criticism - just recognition that you need some extra support and help because of your experiences.

I was wondering that too Cabrinha. I can see how a situation like that is ripe with potential for exploitation and abuse.

I think you would have to have firm boundaries and be very sure of yourself for it to be workable.

Hm - unconventional sexual setup, small child, trying to gain confidence of both parents.

Comejoin your posts are brilliant.

Comejoin, that's amazing! Please keep talking! What are your red flags? And green ones?

I don't mind at all comejoin - if it helps others avoid this then great

👏👏👏 Comejoin

Why would he not have a computer/internet? Scared he'll be tempted to 'push boundaries' again?

Nothing would induce me to risk my DD.

How do you intend to protect your dd?
He knows where you live, he knows your dd's name, what she looks like, possibly where she goes to school (and everything else you've told him about your family), which park you go to etc, etc
Very chilling and frightening in my opinion.

I hope to god that things go well.

He won't overtly have a computer because it will be a condition that he allows the police to examine it and doesn't delete his history. He will however be covertly accessing the net.

He's disclosed enough to make you think you know what you are dealing with, and to keep you away from the authorities.

If you intend to keep seeing him (and I hope you don't) then ask to meet his MOSOVO officer. I bet he resists this.

Or just protect your kids and get rid.

Can I just say he's already lied if convicted it isn't 10years

It's either less than 30 months 7 yrs,
Over 30 months it's life

It's the chipping away he's doing and then dropped the bomb shell on you to normalise the behaviours.
The suicide attempt is bullshit that's again to get you on side
In fact Comes thread is very true frightenedly.
Plus more and more women are staying with men like this
Tell him to fuck of or you will lose your child

Biggest red flag for me was that I couldn't tell DH. Abusers like secrets.

Yes, quite. Undermines all the claims to remorse and openness. He is setting conditions.

Why risk damage to your daughter and even your very relationship with her?
Move on.

Ohfucks there is some great advice here and telling your DH was the right thing to do.

One key thing that stood out in your first post was 'he won't let me tell DH'.This was a test and luckily for you (and your DD) you didn't fall for it.

Listen to Desmondo2016, DO call the police and tell them everything you have told us. If he hasn't broken any rules then there will be no consequences for him (and if he has broken rules then there will be consequences, as there should be).

Telling DH (and the police) will also make it far easier for you to break any emotional bonds with this man (unless they have disappeared over the last few hours, which they may have done) as you will be able to get the support you may need. It is really shitty when you find out someone isn't the person you thought they were, and it does take time to process that information. It sounds like you have a good working relationship with DH even if it is not so conventional.

(And if he says can we still be friends and just us meet up, never meeting DD etc then say NO. Either he is manipulating/ grooming you again (which I think he was) or he really doesn't understand the seriousness of his crime and how inappropriate it was to tell you not to tell DH - remember you said 'he wont let me tell DH'. If he understood and had changed then he would actively WANT you to tell him because he would realise how important it was that DH knew he had changed)

I would drop this relationship without question and never have contact again or at least keep a distance if that wasn't possible.

I wouldn't care about all their good points the crime overides everything in an instant.

I couldn't look my daughter in the eye if I had knowingly put her at risk like this.
My dd father would probably have murder on his mind and my dd swiftly taken from me within a heartbeat if I had a rl knowing a man had a history like this.

It's late to the thread op but yes you should talk to someone and work on your boundaries and set an example to your dc on how they should be.

I'm not some kind of authority on abusive relationships. I have a lot of experience of working with victims and perpertators. So I see that side and the patterns.

And with all my professional experience and qualifications I've been a victim too. The most damaging abuser I encountered was a Psychiatrist who was a colleague of mine (I had a couple of threads at the time which were deleted at my request) and MN was amazing in helping me see what he was doing. Because if a Psychiatrist tells you your reaction to their abuse is because you have a PD you question yourself right?. Even if you work in that field, they're a Consultant Psych - revered and respected so it MUST be you who is misinterpreting. Plus they groomed you first and told you that as a previous abuse victim - this might happen.

So I would say that anyone can be vulnerable to a predator. It's not being stupid.

So I can't really say what red flags are. But I'd say boundaries - physical boundaries for a start. But women have been socialised into thinking that uninvited physical contact is fine in a way that men don't have to.

Ignore it.

If you feel uncomfortable when someone touches your arm or leg or whatever and you move away or look uncomfortable. That's a boundary. A lot of people want to touch people they're attracted to (I do) but If it's obvious the person doesn't like it but they persist then they don't care about your boundaries. I might touch the leg of Tom Hardy who I really fancy but I'd stop when I saw him move away.

And emotional red flags?. Anyone that encourages you to talk about things you nofind painful early on or which make you feel exposed. It's really very possible to talk about music or politics or films when you're getting to know someone. A lot of men are great and not

You may find the police can direct you to appropriate support / counselling too

Montane50 have you not read the whole thread?

How do you know he is on the SO register only for viewing child abuse?

Taken his word for it?

What if he'd done something worse, like expose himself to a child?

Obviously he has to tell you he is on the register but how can you be sure of the reason?

I'd want to see the court transcript at the very least.

I know you feel naive but any one of us could find ourselves unknowingly dating a pedophile, so you can't feel bad for that but now you do know there can be no other reaction but getting away from this man and informing the authorities.