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Original poster

right, he's got a locked chest with sex videos of his ex's.

180 replies

ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:03

This morning whilst cleaning up - I found a key, which i recognised...

We have a locked wooden box in our spare room, which has had a padlock on since we moved in, Ive never known what was in it and I've never really been bothered, til now, i'm fuming!

This key I found fits the lock, to my horror its full of videos of my DP and his ex girlfriends, and pictures of them, naked and doing things to each other. It actually made me sick.

What the hell do I do, Im distraught... right now I just want to pack his bags and kick him out as soon as he gets home from work.

Im a regular by the way, and ive got a young baby, please help me I am so upset...

OP posts:
Iklboo · 07/02/2007 16:05

Spread the lot on the kitchen tabel for hen he comes in - or serve them to him on a plate.
WTF has he kept all this stuff?
If he accuses you of snopping tell him you thought the chest would make a nice bedding box for baby

scorpio1 · 07/02/2007 16:06

if this was me i would say "i found this box today, and saw x. i dont like this and i dont want you to have it anymore. you dont need this now we are together and we are a family.please get rid of it"

or words to that effect. he shouldnt 'need' to keep stuff like this.but maybe he never looks at it,maybe he has just never got rid of it?

hope you feel better soon

morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:08

Hmm I think you just need to sit down and tell him that it makes you very uncomfortable and it isn't appropriate and please can he destroy it all?

It's possible he just doesn't know exactly what to do with it.

I've got a box of love-letters and photos of ex-boyfriends that I keep for posterity...not quite the same though

BuffysMum · 07/02/2007 16:08

what is it you object to the most?

  • what they were doing (in terms of things you aren't prepared to do)
  • that it was filmed/photograped
  • that he has kept them
Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:09

Im thinking of posting it to him at work - so he opens it infront of all his work mates.

This has hurt me so muh, Ive been feeling really fragile recently, since the birth of our baby and I cant believe he is keeping this. O god i feel horrid

OP posts:
finecheese · 07/02/2007 16:09

Poor you. i bet he's even forgotten its there.
I would say "out of respect for me I want you to bin these straight away" If he protests tell him that he should have hidden them away in a more secretive location if is that sentimental.

I bet he'll be seriously embarressed when you tackle him about it later xxx

morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:10

I would also say "out of respect for your ex-girlfriends" because it is a bit grim knowing that a man has moved on from a relationship but is still looking at that sort of thing. Not nice for them, or you.

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:11

its the fact he's keeping them, in a locked box, completely secretly, in our new house togehter, in the room that will be our first babies room, why has he kept this, he has had ample opportunity to bin the lot -

its not what they are doing really, more because he doesnt want to some of those things with me, o god some of the photos are revolting!

OP posts:
BuffysMum · 07/02/2007 16:14

think you need to have a very big chat really. Perhaps he doesn't want to do those things with you because you are his "wife" not just a sexual partner to have fun with - I am guessing here.

Think I would feel very sick too if it were my dp.

Perhaps book some sessions with relate so you can discuss it and understand each other without killing your relationship

Hugs

finecheese · 07/02/2007 16:15

I can really understand how you feel, i would be the same. But everyone has done stuff in the past that maybe they wouldn't do again. Give him a good shout at t onight and that might make you feel a bit better...and think of any stuff that you've done when you were younger that he doesn't know about - you could always throw it into the argument later xxx

scorpio1 · 07/02/2007 16:15

i know its horrid to find stuff like this, especially when you are still feeling iffy after giving birth. maybe he just hasnt got round to disposing of them yet? or even forgot about them? and im sure he does want to do things with you-maybe the new baby haas made sex things a bit harder lately?

i hope you sort this out soon and please dont think its your fault

IntergalacticWalrus · 07/02/2007 16:19

Men don;t think soemtimes.

I bet he's just forgotten about them.

That doesn't make it any less hurtful to you though.

I agree with pp posts about you being the mother of his child so he might see you differently. Having a baby makes some men go a bit funny. I remember after DS1 was born, DP was a bit like this. He soon forgot about it though. (He must have done, as we have had another since then!)

I mustr admit, I'd feel a bit hurt if it were me, but remember that men do think with their penises sometimes

snowleopard · 07/02/2007 16:20

Don't be ashamed, ashamed! He should be, not you - though it is quite possible he's just forgotten what's in the box, hasn't binned it through inertia etc and will get rid of it and apologise straight away.

If he resists, then I would ask him what's more important to him - his real-life partner and child or his saddo collection - will it be keeping him warm in his old age? And yes, what about the women? - who wants dirty pictures of themselves cluttering up their ex's family home?

But I would approach the subject calmly at first - especially if you have no other concerns about him in general.

justbeme · 07/02/2007 16:20

Oh how horrible for you.....why dont you write a note saying something like "Ive looked in this box today whilst clearing out the room for our baby and Im now feeling very hurt and upset and fragile."
He'll be shocked and then when he's gathered himself together hopefully you can sort it out without it escalating into a full blown row.

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 07/02/2007 16:24

I'm not sure if he's actually done anything to be ashamed about, assuming the videos are of consenting adults.
It is, however, not appropriate for him to keep these in your family home.
Ask him what he plans to do with them, because you are not prepared for them to stay in the house. If he has any sense he will destroy them immediately.
I can understand that you find this upsetting though, and hope your DP understands how you feel.

morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:25

Or you could just go into the garden, pour petrol on it and set fire to it

mind your eyebrows

might be quite SATISFYING

WigWamBam · 07/02/2007 16:27

Don't try and guess why he's kept them - he may well have forgotten that he has them and be just as horrified as you are that they are still in your house.

And don't send him anything to open in front of his work mates. Humiliating him over something that may not be that important to him would be an awful thing to do.

Talk to him - as calmly as you can - and listen to what he has to say. Don't do anything at all until you've done that - you'll have far more to go on once you've spoken to him. Tell him how you feel, and ask him to destroy the tapes out of respect for both you and his ex girlfriends. But try not to judge him or be angry with him until you know why he still has them in the house - there is every chance that he has forgotten about them, and having made the tapes in the past is no reason on its own to pack his bags.

1sue1 · 07/02/2007 16:27

How awful. I agree with who said he may not do 'those things' (what were they or is that too prying) thta he sees you as his wife as different?

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:30

i think dowsing them in petrol would relieve my tension, but i want him to explain, but he's pathetic about things, he never gives me straight answers, he'll just skate round the issue. right now i want to leave

OP posts:
gothicmama · 07/02/2007 16:30

maybe he does not know how to get rid of them dicretely - not the sort of thing you would trust to the local tip,
are you upset more that it's in baby's 1st room, if so go and buy something lovely for the room to make it special again.
Does your dp open the box or do you not know ask him to destroy contects by having a bonfire or something

mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:31
  1. I'm really sorry that you've had such an unpleasant shock.
  2. When you say you have never known what was in the box and never bothered until todayy were you being honest with yourself? 3)Where did you find the key. ie had he moved it recently?
  3. How did you recognise the key straight away?
  4. How do you know he doesn't want to do those things to you? Are you just guessing? Perhaps he has just assumed that you wouldn't want to for some reason..
  5. Please feel free to ignore any of the above questions if they offend you at all!!
swifterella · 07/02/2007 16:32

you poor love i can remember finding raunchy (i cant believ i said raunchy) love letters of OH and was devestated but i woas 19 at the time. However is so different. I would bin the lot and then confront him, however i am a rash fool! i dont think this is a reflection on how he feels for you but i do think it is disrepectful and he should get rid of it all

morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:32

We all did lots of exciting sexual things when we were young

it's fun to try everything

but what you do to experiment and what you do with SOMEONE YOU LOVE is TOTALLY DIFFERENT

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:33

i know he's looked in the box recently because at christmas time we used the video camara to record our LO looking bemused at everything, and i tried to find it last week and DP told me that it was charging and he's taken it to work to show his mates the baby videos, and yet, its in the box, with a dirty tape in it. o christ

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:33

he owes you an explanation

sit him down and ask for it

then tell him to get rid

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