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Original poster

right, he's got a locked chest with sex videos of his ex's.

180 replies

ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:03

This morning whilst cleaning up - I found a key, which i recognised...

We have a locked wooden box in our spare room, which has had a padlock on since we moved in, Ive never known what was in it and I've never really been bothered, til now, i'm fuming!

This key I found fits the lock, to my horror its full of videos of my DP and his ex girlfriends, and pictures of them, naked and doing things to each other. It actually made me sick.

What the hell do I do, Im distraught... right now I just want to pack his bags and kick him out as soon as he gets home from work.

Im a regular by the way, and ive got a young baby, please help me I am so upset...

OP posts:
alipiggie · 08/02/2007 17:48

I'm sorry you're going through this too. My h blamed me for everything too, when I found out about his affair. Trust is an implicit part of any relationship, hiding photos and video footage in a locked box, makes me believe that he has something else to hide. Mind you I'm just jaded I guess. Don't let him put the blame on you. I'm surprised you didn't try and open the box earlier - I would have done. Sheer curiousity if nothing else. Take care of yourself.

lou33 · 08/02/2007 18:01

you should have told him that you watched them and it's just as well he got with you because the performances you witnessed were really crap, so thanks to you he improved his technique

on a serious note, i'm not entirely sure i would've opened the box myself, or be overly bothered at what i found BUT the fact you were and he refused to understand how it might have upset you, is very wrong of him

i think burning htem is just going to make things worse tho, and was a knee jerk reaction, as was his accusation of betraying him

the repercussions of both your resultant actions are probably going to be harder to fix than the initial shock discovery

1sue1 · 08/02/2007 18:03

I didn't doubt the story, just aspects of it...like you catching him wanking in the shower as if it's a regular thing.
if all of this has/is happening I am sorry for you.

I would not be best pleased at him turning this round on you, invading his 'privacy'.

What did he say about keeping the tapes, and most importantly what did he say about the tape that is now in the vhs recorder when before it had xmas footage in?

morningpaper · 08/02/2007 19:37

Oh ashamed, I am so sorry, this is awful for you

He is being an utter pig

What kind of man would do that and then try to make YOU feel bad? I would tell him that yes you have abused his trust, but you were wrong to trust him in the first place! So what's left to abuse?

You poor thing, his attitude is just so unbelievably selfish

BuffysMum · 08/02/2007 20:02

I really think you need to go to relate or similar as you obviously both have lots of secrets/privacy from each either which obviously very much suited him. What else do you not know about each other????????

I have no other advice really apart from you both need to work together if you want to stay together and try and understand the other persons point of view.

Personally I could not stay with someone after that but I am a prude and completely admit it!

ELF1981 · 08/02/2007 20:22

Ashamed - how are you? I read this last night but didn't get chance to post.
Has he said anything since coming home tonight? He's a git, and we're here for you if you need us.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/02/2007 07:07

I talked to my dh about this and he said that your dp is totally deluding himself if he thinks it's acceptable to have videoes of his ex's that he still watches. And also said that it's your trust your dp has violated - not the other way round. so a man's opinion for ya .

You are his partner now. by definition they are "ex's" and thus they belong in the past. He is with you now, there is absolutely no reason for him to return to those relationships/encounters iyswim.

FioFio · 09/02/2007 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 08:15

I suppose you and he need to talk about why he felt he needed to hide it and your sexual relationship in general. For example would you be happy for him to make a video of you and him together now and enjoy that together? I would have thought more people than not think about other partners when they are in ebd toegther so it's whether you think keeping the physical evidence is worse than just remembering which I'm sure most of us would agree with you was very unwise of him.

Imafairy · 09/02/2007 08:23

" I would have thought more people than not think about other partners when they are in ebd toegther " - do you really think that Xenia? An odd time maybe, but all the time?

DetentionGrrrl · 09/02/2007 08:27

oh Xenia, you are an odd 'un

Blandmum · 09/02/2007 08:44

Not sure I would want to be in a video with this guy. Not sure I would want to join the rest of the girls in the locked box, for him to wrestle the one eyed monster over, at a later date.

bumblebeee · 09/02/2007 08:48

OMG ashamed, how awful for you especially when you have new baby. . You have nothing to feel guilty about, as a few others have said my curiosity would have got the better of me long ago. I think he's TOTALLY out of order but as for your next move I really am not sure. How are you feeling today?

mumto3girls · 09/02/2007 09:49

Ashamed, I hope you and DP have managed to talk. I hope he has least been able to see how much this has upset you and that you have both been able to discuss the future..?

funkimummy · 09/02/2007 10:46

Ashamed, hope you're OK today. it's not your fault and you haven't betrayed his trust, it's definitely the other way round.

We're here if you need to talk honey.

xx

LIZS · 09/02/2007 10:57

ashamed have followed this but not posted . Do hope dh has spoken to you more reasonably now. Obviously he doesn't like being caught out and has tried to turn it around as your fault but that is just not on. He needs to accept repsonsibiltiy for the situaion, if he had thought it wouldn't upset you the box would not have been locked, although I think it would have been better had he disposed of it all himself. Sounds like he may have more active memories than a sense of reality. I wonder if these women know he has kept the films and photos , seems a bit creepy for them if not as he still meets them socially. Relate may help you discuss you hurt and vulnerability and for him to move on and renew his commitment to you . Good luck

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 12:46

He should have said what he had when you got together. No need t hide things at all and if he couldn't destroy his past like that (there are things I wouldn't destroy for any man) he should have archived it away from the home. I am not sure it was right to burn his property however.

missingmywine · 09/02/2007 13:23

Not right to burn his property? The only mistake she has made is not putting him on the fire at the same time - poor girl .

ELF1981 · 09/02/2007 13:41

Xenia you are an odd person.
If you're thinking about somebody else when in bed with your lover, you're with the wrong person.

Burning his property wrong? Hell no. I would have done the exact same thing, though maybe I would have saved one to hit my dh over the head with it.

Ashamed - I hope you are okay.

lou33 · 09/02/2007 13:58

i am expecting to be yelled at here but i kind of agree with xenia, but then i said similar in my post further down

i dont think its that odd to think of someone else when you are having sex, it's fantasy time isnt it?

that's an aside to how ashamed feels, probably for another thread

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 16:17

It's all theoretical for me as I don't have a man. I have to make do with locked chests of pornography... [joke]...

homemama · 09/02/2007 16:31

Ashamed, I've come back on here to apologize if my post sounded in any way like I didn't believe you. As my early posts show, I very much did but I also joined in the banter about you carrying around a heavy chest without being desperate to know its contents. That was inappropriate when you're obviously feeling like shit and I'm sorry.

Please don't feel guilty. He is entirely to blame and his reaction of blaming you is a defence mechanism because he too awkward/embarrassed to confront the problem. He really is being very, bloody selfish. Stand your ground and under no circumstances say sorry ffor what you have done.

divastropwantstodrop · 09/02/2007 16:34

i think if you think of an ex when you are in bed with a current partner then you obviously still want to be with the ex not the one youre with now.....and personally i would find thinking of jade goody getting it on with john prescott more of a turn on than thinking about any of my exes.ewwww.

foxinsocks · 09/02/2007 16:37

I agree with Xenia about the hiding thing though. The fact that he has this stuff isn't THAT unusual - it's more the fact that he chose to hide it.

divastropwantstodrop · 09/02/2007 16:40

its not unusual for men to have sex videos of thier exs?????

ok its not unusual for men to have a collection of porn,but i think its warped and very very weird to keep sex vids/pics of a real-life ex