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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

right, he's got a locked chest with sex videos of his ex's.

180 replies

ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:03

This morning whilst cleaning up - I found a key, which i recognised...

We have a locked wooden box in our spare room, which has had a padlock on since we moved in, Ive never known what was in it and I've never really been bothered, til now, i'm fuming!

This key I found fits the lock, to my horror its full of videos of my DP and his ex girlfriends, and pictures of them, naked and doing things to each other. It actually made me sick.

What the hell do I do, Im distraught... right now I just want to pack his bags and kick him out as soon as he gets home from work.

Im a regular by the way, and ive got a young baby, please help me I am so upset...

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 09/02/2007 16:56

ashamed (you shouldn't be btw): I had an ex 9note ex, though we didn't have kids) who had secret pics, though not videos, of his exes, their numbers, got angry if I went his drawers et ect. He constantly accused me of cheating on him (i never did) and when one night I'd had enough, I smashed something I knew an ex had given to him. We split up not long after and some months later I found out he'd cheated on me twice.

Attack is the best form of defence, don't let him con you into thinking you're in the wrong. You are not. You have every right to be f^ckin livid IMO.

BTW for any doubters further down the thread, I too 'caught' my ex pleasuring himself numerous times, in the shower and elsewhere.

Ashamed - at the time I let love (or what I thought was love) blind me, don't do the same. I know it's hard and please don't make any rash decisions, but, if this is the level of respect he has for women do you want to make it work with him? can he redeem himself? and is he going to be a good role model for your kids?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/02/2007 17:39

sorry I just don't buy the idea that it's normal to fantacise about one's ex's while having sex with your current partner. Doesn't that say something A, about the feelings you have for your partner, even if that just relates to how you feel about him on a physical level, and B, about the feelings you clearly still have for the ex?

lou33 · 09/02/2007 17:52

oh no i never said fantasise about an ex, i said other people

i'm sure the majority of us have done it at some point

Madoldcatlady · 09/02/2007 18:57

Is it too late to text his ex and tell her if she makes contact with DH again you will put the tape of her...erm.....hole, on the WWW?

What a bastard. I'm not sure I could forgive that. And with regards to his ex, don't believe him, he's seeing her. No doubt about it. Bastard.

Could you tell him you've made a montage of all the best bits of his vids to send to his mum/boss?

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 19:50

Is anyone on here suggesting men and women who are married don't masturbate or shouldn't? How weird. I live on a different planet from some people.

divastropwantstodrop · 09/02/2007 20:20

its prob normal to fantasise about other people if you are having casual sex or sex just for the sake of it but i would think its wrong to do that if you are in a loving relationship.

xenia-there is a difference between just maturbating and masturbating whilst watching videos of one's ex,surely?

what planet do you live on,out of interest?

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 21:01

Planet Xenia. There are no men on it. We abolished them because they cause all war and destroy the planet.

I agree, a bit off to fantasise over physical evidence of your ex rather than remembered thoughts of his or her body.

But the Times published a survey of sexual fantasy this week and sorry to break it to you but countless married people think about someone other than their beloved other half when they have an orgasm. It's almost abnormal to be thinking about the person you're with!

divastropwantstodrop · 09/02/2007 21:14

but was it a survey of times readers?or a general cross-section of society?

Glassofwine · 09/02/2007 21:28

I'm another one who is coming out for Xenia here - I think it's unrealistic to think that when you are in a relationship you will never think about another person, the fact that they are an ex is a bit hurtful - but come on it happens. You are expecting humans to live to an expectation that they can't live to.

Same with masterbation.

However this is almost a different debate, because I don't think that there is anyone here on MN who would condone this mans behaviour. We all feel for Ashamed and want to help her. There is no way that keeping the video evidence and continuing to watch it is in the least bit acceptable.

morningpaper · 09/02/2007 21:35

Gosh if I had to worry about not thinking about other people while doing the deed with DH I think I would collapse from the stress

Surely all sorts of thoughts go through your head during Heated Moments?!

Madoldcatlady · 09/02/2007 21:38

Surely a fantasy happens inside your head. It's private and no-one need ever know about it.

This is far from that. A box full of images of acts that actually happened, with people from your past, are not a fantasy. And kept in your babys room, unbeknown to your wife?

Nah, I'm well up for a bit of fantasy, on my own or with DH but this is plain nasty.

Rhubarb · 09/02/2007 21:40

What a bizarre thread to have stumbled upon!

SaucyMoo · 09/02/2007 21:50

Ashamed-i feel for you.... i think he really is cheating on you-it is almost impossible to have such a close friendship with an ex and not sleep with them-specially if you keep videos of them! sorry ashamed....

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 22:58

It sounds like a communication issue/problem. He should have talked about these things and sorted out any sexual problems.

"The psychotherapist Brett Kahr has studied more than 19,000 sexual fantasies as part of the largest sex survey of Britons. In an extract from his new book, he reveals the facts behind the fantasy"
women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article1341377.ece

Rhian101 · 09/02/2007 23:12

Fine to masturbate while thinking of others, but having sex... jesus, you might as well be banging someone else.

jenwa · 09/02/2007 23:12

ashamedbeyondcompare - you just need to talk, I think he has made you feel guilty as you looked in the box and he had private stuff in there which you had every right to see as it is not needed now seeing you he is with you.
Dont feel guilty just explain how hurt you are and how you dont feel comfortable with him being in contact with his ex as you have your own family now and that is where his priorities lie.
I hope you get it sorted and please dont feel the need to apoligise, he is just shifting the guilt on you as he is too blame.

ssd · 10/02/2007 18:12

ashamedbeyondcompare

where are you?

what's happening??

are you okay??

Blondilocks · 10/02/2007 18:56

There is just one thing I'd like to add - I still go out drinking, shopping & celebrating things with my ex. There is nothing going on whatsoever more than friendship. We just feel that we were friends/together for 10 yrs, it didn't work out romantically but why can't we carry on our friendship? His new gf knew from day one that we still get on & speak a lot so I guess that's where the difference lies - at least he's been honest with her.

Re the porn, think it's a bit much keeping stuff like that, although I don't intend to ever throw away my love letters etc from ex-OH. It'd be like wiping away a large part of the past. Don't have any "videos" though & wouldn't be happy about a new bf having videos of his exes.

LIZS · 10/02/2007 19:06

but blondilocks what if you discovered your ex-oh had kept intimate pics and videos of you and him - would n't you feel differently about being his friend and awkward as to what that might say about his new relationship ?

bubblymummy · 10/02/2007 19:20

Ashamed - he should be ashamed to make you feel so bad and insecure.

You need to sort out your differences and I don't think this is the type of problem you just drift into and then out of. Relate would be a good starting point.

In the meantime, just enjoy your baby (congratulations by the way) and try not to pay him too much attention if you're not going to get a positive response.

Hoping everything turns out well for you.xx

Blondilocks · 10/02/2007 23:24

Well to be completely & utterly blunt although I don't think there are any pictures (ok there were some which never made it off the camera & they were deleted in front of me) if he did still have some it wouldn't really make a massive difference to our friendship from my opinion, I mean if he wanted to he could probably remember events, plus I think this woman was an accelerator in our splitting up & it didn't bother her that a child was involved so she probably would deserve it! (sorry sound like a complete b*h now), but what goes around comes around in my opinion ...

Blondilocks · 10/02/2007 23:28

That was no way aimed at the OP.

I wouldn't be happy finding these things in a house I shared with a new partner. Holiday bikini type shots fine, but not naked shots.

slug · 11/02/2007 00:00

They're a fire hazard, burn the lot.

Pann · 11/02/2007 00:49

It's fine. She burned them all on a bonfire. She made it, that day half the country was covered in snow, and the rest was sub zero. The plastic cases and videos themselves burned really easily, which was unusual in itself. It takes an age to set a bonfire, very tricky to start and maintain, but no reports of any difficulties here. Sub zero. Strange.

Aaaanyway, we do have it confirmed that all men are sex mad on porn, a bunch of bastards, lying shits etc......

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/02/2007 02:00

Snort!