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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

right, he's got a locked chest with sex videos of his ex's.

180 replies

ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:03

This morning whilst cleaning up - I found a key, which i recognised...

We have a locked wooden box in our spare room, which has had a padlock on since we moved in, Ive never known what was in it and I've never really been bothered, til now, i'm fuming!

This key I found fits the lock, to my horror its full of videos of my DP and his ex girlfriends, and pictures of them, naked and doing things to each other. It actually made me sick.

What the hell do I do, Im distraught... right now I just want to pack his bags and kick him out as soon as he gets home from work.

Im a regular by the way, and ive got a young baby, please help me I am so upset...

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 07/02/2007 16:34

oh so that sort of shows that he has watched them again then?

morningpaper · 07/02/2007 16:34

ok hmm well he still looks at the stuff then

in that case an explanation and then YOU get rid of it

cheeky bugger

Janos · 07/02/2007 16:34

ashamed

I'm nore of a lurker than a poster but my heart went out to you when I saw this. Christ, I'm surprised you feel so awful. I'm pretty open minded and it would upset me a hell of a lot, despite how much it 'shouldn't', logically.

Think you need to tell him what you have found take your cues from him.

If you have an otherwise good relationship I bet he will be horrified you are so upset and try to reassure you. If he's nasty about it well....hopefully it won't come to that, but you will know where you stand, at least.

I;ms ure he won't be of course, just thinking out loud.

mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:35

Oh no - that makes it completely different!!

He's really out of order.

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:36

i found the key in his sock drawer, and i recognised it had the same logo on it as the pad lock - which was looked at last week when i was having to push the fucking heavy box around the spare room as I painted all the walls, christ what a fool ive been

OP posts:
Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:38

and he'llbe home from work soon and i dont think i can even look him in the face, god, listening to the things he said to his ex girl friend make my skin crawl.

OP posts:
BuffysMum · 07/02/2007 16:38

mmmm definately book some sessions with relate. What concernes me most is

"he's pathetic about things, he never gives me straight answers, he'll just skate round the issue"

sounds to me there is not a lot of openess/honesty/trust.

Really big hugs x

foxinsocks · 07/02/2007 16:39

ashamed, I'm not trying to condone what he's done but I had a good friend at work who kept videos of all his past sexual conquests (I wasn't one of them in case you were wondering, we were just friends!). He had told the women he was videoing them - it was just something he enjoyed doing (and by the sounds of it, they did too) and I imagine, he enjoyed watching the videos back on his own (ahem).

I'm guessing, in your dp's case, the videos and photos were all done with the women's consent (otherwise, it's a whole different thing)? What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a completely unusual thing to do iyswim.

I think you need him to be honest about why he has kept them all and you need to be honest with him about why it upsets you so.

mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:39

Oh dear, you haven't been stupid at all!! Please don't take this as any kind of reflection on you!

When you were pushing it around where was he? ( Just wondering if he ever squirmed or looked shifty whilst you wondered what was in the heavy box..?)

If I were you I would empty the entire contents ( and hide them if you can bear it), lock it again, replace key and await his questions...

Janos · 07/02/2007 16:39

I should say I'm NOT surprised you feel awful....

I see he has been looking at them. Hmmmmmm.

Feel less sympathetic towards him now, I have to say....

Are you OK?, ashamed ?

indiajane · 07/02/2007 16:40

Oh, my heart goes out to you too - how old is your baby?
(((((((((((big hug))))))))))))))))

Janos · 07/02/2007 16:41

TBH I've done some stuff with exes that I would be mortified if anyone found out...I do think it's creepy though. The fact that it is 'real' is what would upset me most.

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:43

she's 3 months, and we barely touch each other any more, he always says he's too tired, but i catch him in the shower doing you know - ahem - to himself

what do i do, i dont want to be here when he gets home. i cant face him...

OP posts:
Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:45

christ im no virgin, im not on about the contect realy - its just him looking at it, him still wanting to look at his ex girl friends, one of which he still drinks with at the local pub - when i was in hospital after giving birth, she picked him up from our hgouse and took him out to celebrate, fuck me, ive seen her arse hole in a whole new light...

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:45

I think you have to confront him about this as soon as possible.
How is your relationship ( aprt from sex) since the baby has been born? How is he with her?

Janos · 07/02/2007 16:45

i but i catch him in the shower doing you know - ahem - to himself

CAn I ask a question? Are you bothered about him doing it but not having time for you or is it the fact he does it at all that bothers you?

Sorry, lot's of Q's.

This must have really hit you for six, esp with a wee one.

QueenofTarts · 07/02/2007 16:46

Message deleted

indiajane · 07/02/2007 16:47

Have you got somewhere you can go - just to gather up your thoughts and get a bit of internal strength going before you come back?

Sometimes good for me to get out of the house rather then climb the walls

mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:48

How long have you been together? Are you friends with his ex too, or does she only take him out for drinks?

This is quite complicated, I really feel for you.

Janos · 07/02/2007 16:49

He still sees his old girlfriend and went out celebrating with her?

Jesus wept.

Sorry but he's sounding more and more of a..well an arsehole, TBH.

He's got some serious explaining to do.

If you feel calm enough, try writing down what you want to say to him on a piece of paper. I bet plenty of other mumsnetters will have great suggestions.

mumto3girls · 07/02/2007 16:50

EMPTY the box...you will have your answer as to what it all means to him when he discovers it gone...

Original poster
ashamedbeyondcompare · 07/02/2007 16:55

they dont go out together as such, just when i had LO, he called everyone to tell and she was called from a 3rd party and told about baby, her and i have never got on, i dont like her too much, she freaks me out tbh...

she ended up calling him when he got home the day i was in hospital, and offered to drive him to local pub, for gods sakes, what if they aren't old, what if they are recent??

OP posts:
indiajane · 07/02/2007 16:55

just because he's watching the videos doesn't mean he still wants to

a. be doing those things or
b. be doing those things with those people.

I've watched porn myself and, like the majority of women... find it quite boring after a few minutes but men just love it - and that's probably all this is for him - just porn with him as the "star". They really are half wits most of the time.

Pann · 07/02/2007 16:56

From Morningpaper....

"We all did lots of exciting sexual things when we were young "

.....really?

Pann · 07/02/2007 16:58

"They really are half wits most of the time."

who are india?

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