I've really fucked up - contacted ex anonymously and he figured out it was me

[WakeMeWhenThisIsDone]

Name changed for this. As everything put together would most definitely out me.

I just feel awful. I sent a jokey e-mail to him from an anonymous account and he somehow figured out it was me. I now want to crawl into a dark cave and stay there forever.

Who else is going to bother sending an anonymous email with that joke, and who else would know the birthdays? The real issue is you need to wash that man right out of your hair!! The email is no big deal, but your heart is a bit of a worry!!

Sorry, missed a bit of your history. I do understand where you are. I have been somewhere very similar, and I know you can keep on picking yourself up. Do yourself a favour and delete that email account and lose all his details from your phone. I promise - you will get over it, and it really doesn't matter what he thinks. Like you said, he is a bit of an abuser. You don't need him one iota and you don't care what he thinks.

I feel for you that this has caused you so much anxiety you needed to talk to the samaritans.

Sometimes the anxiety is too much and it's like throwing a sandbag over board letting people know the impact of their shortcomings. It has to be honed to perfection though so that there is not even a small part of it that they can read and convince themselves isn't true.

Goodlucktime that sounds awful. I'm glad I only wasted 6 months on my'experience like that. We met and went on three dates, and kissed, and then he agreed we had emotional intimacy and it would be lovely if we could combine that with physical intimacy but not in the context of a relationship. What!? I said no. I was strong to begin with although honest, I told him I had much stronger feelings for him than the arrangement he wanted, so I was prepared to say good bye and good luck and I expected him to clear off, but he didn't 'go'. He stayed, as a friend. But he wasn't really a friend, but it was the label he used. Eventually I had a moment of lucidity when he sent me a screen shot of a conversation with a woman he'd been flirting with and she'd turned him down flat because he didn't want a relationship.She said she was looking for a relationship. He thought it was 'sad that she wanted a relationship so desperately' that she wouldn't even talk to him. So bam, I respected her better boundaries, I respected her recognition of her own agenda, and the 'friends' cognitive dissonance fell around me like rubble in that moment!

I had pages and pages written out in draft email, eventually i just reduced the five pages to ''you chose a woman who loved you as a close confidante, and ignored all the boundaries between a friendship and a relationship''. I didn't send it. But it's on the tip of my tongue, permanently and that clarity protects me from getting sucked back in to ''friendship'' with him again.

The last guy who dumped me was great until he went on holiday and sent one text about five days in, then nothing..... silence for another five days. The day after he got back, I knew I'd been ghosted or faded, I did that hash thing before his number and dialled him just to basically say ''hi, i know this is over, but hi, this is an admin call, I'm braver than you, common decency v important to me, so just wanted to draw a line under this more formally and say goodbye and good luck".

OP, you should watch the episode of Friends where Monica accidentally changes the message on her ex Richard's machine while trying to delete her own misguided message.

You will cringe, laugh then realise that almost everyone can relate to either doing something along these lines or wanting to.

Look after yourself - this will pass.

He cheated on you. You've written a (slightly) silly email. You haven't done anything nasty. No comparison. I have fantasised about doing far worse to people.

It takes time to get over being hurt and humiliated but i wouldn't give this any more thought. This thread is keeping your mortification alive. Let it go now. Good luck.

Hello?

Been back at the wine again just trying to get my head around all this.
I won't always be so pathetic.

Hey Wake

Are you ok? I think you should book an appt with your GP tomorrow and see if they can refer you for some counselling ...

The email really is no big deal, brush yourself down and move on from it. He lives in another country, he doesn't know for sure that it's you ... and even if he does, he's a cheating twat so you need to erase him from your life somehow

OP, I think you need some RL help.

It's not normal to still be making such a drama out of an inconsequential mistake. You also keep bumping your thread every time it goes quiet. What more do you want people to say...other than to keep this minor incident alive.

Wake, what are your plans on this for tomorrow?

You need to step away from the drink.

AF I'm doing that because I literally cannot cope. I just don't know. I like the company and I've been here before. I just need something to comfort me. Does that make me a criminal? No but I guess it makes me pathetic. I just can't cope atm.

Oh Wake you poor thing. Anxiety can be so horrible and isolating. You are just going round in circles though. Like other posters have suggested maybe a wee chat with your gp would be helpful. You will come through this.

Nobody is saying that you are a criminal for needing comfort. But your panic is irrational and over the top for one silly mistake. Is there a back story here? There has to be more to it.

You need to stop the drinking and get to the gp tomorrow to get referred for help. You sound stuck in a rut at the moment and are obsessing.

Is there anything that you could get involved with or someone you could call to talk about something else? You need to take your mind off this situation.

Maud I've been through the CBT route. I don't think anything can help me then. I was also on ADs for a while but they didn't seem to react well with me. I just don't get why he gets to live such a brilliant life and I have to be so miserable. I don't think there's anything else tbh.

This just might be the shot in the arm you need to move on. We've all done silly things in this vein and we all have a particular way of expressing ourselves or even a problem with particular things that are exclusively ours. It will be something of that sort that gave you away. If it makes you feel any better I was once staring out the window at my friends sexy neighbor. Quick as a flash my DH did a really loud lascivious double wolf whistle and they guy looked up and saw me. The window was open and I then proceeded to have a conversation with him about the fact he was filling up a paddling pool during a hide pipe ban. ( know it's. It the same but it still amuses him).

Hose.

Not everyone responds to CBT. As you are feeling particulary low at the moment I would urge you to speak to your gp.

I've done much worse with ex-s

I get that you didn't want him to know anything about you, but literally FUCK IT.

Of more concern is that you are catastrophising normal standard things that WE ALL do. And you are saying you cannot cope.

This is worrying for everyone reading and so how do you feel about accessing some help with this? You don't have to feel like this and when you don't these minor things that happen (to us all) will not seem so devastating.

You say you don't think anything can help you, yes it can. You are not broken and unfixable but your first step is believing you can feel differently.

Hey Wake - agree that you need outside help. Could you see a low cost counsellor? Also do keep phoning/emailing samaritans, they are so helpful. I didn't really get on with CBT either though I did find it slightly helpful in term of spotting when I was having obsessive looped thoughts etc and the best way I found to deal was distraction (so go for a run/exercise class etc). How often do you exercise? I came off antidepressants earlier this year and found it so helpful - I now do around 4 or 5 classes a week and I feel happier than I have in years. Btw you haven't done anything to feel bad about! And we have all been there

I found CBT helpful in terms of knowing more about how to help myself when in a crisis.

I think you should call samaratans again, you should see your GP. Perhaps try a different AD. Do you want to become an alcoholic? Or move on? You can be happy again. You are living this all out online. You need to step away from the Web and get RL support. Sorry if I sound harsh.

You don't sound harsh amma what your saying is correct. I've missed the window of opportunity to get an appointment for this morning so they've said to call back at 2. Failing that I might just go straight to a walk in clinic and ask for a quick subscription to booster me up for a bit. I need to actually get out of bed and have a shower first. I really can't face going back to work later this week in the state that I'm in.

But you are taking steps. Keep it up

Any improvement today OP? Did you get RL support?