Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've really fucked up - contacted ex anonymously and he figured out it was me

225 replies

WakeMeWhenThisIsDone · 07/10/2016 12:22

Name changed for this. As everything put together would most definitely out me.

I just feel awful. I sent a jokey e-mail to him from an anonymous account and he somehow figured out it was me. I now want to crawl into a dark cave and stay there forever.

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 08/10/2016 17:31

You won't seem pathetic, your friends will see you are distressed and want to help.

Regarding his response - what would he have to lose if it wasn't you? But to be honest, who else would have sent it?

DailyMailPenisPieces · 08/10/2016 22:44

Get some counselling Wake you sound like you are really struggling Flowers

garlicandsapphire · 08/10/2016 22:48

Oh fuck it. Who never made a mistake? Someone so dull they never lived. Its no matter, get blase OP. Move on and style it out.

Original poster
WakeMeWhenThisIsDone · 08/10/2016 22:52

Anyone about? I need some company

OP posts:
MagnumAddict · 08/10/2016 23:03

Most people have a writing style. That's why he probably knows it's you. Together with the fact who else would ask him that question?

BUT

He doesn't know for sure! You don't have to speak to him ever again. He's also probably not given it another thought. It will have been a fleeting moment in his day and now he'll be consumed with getting on with his weekend. You should do the same but please don't use alcohol to block these feelings. Alcohol is a depressant and you don't sound like you are in a good place so it is best avoided Flowers

mycatwantstokillme1 · 08/10/2016 23:03

Hi WakeMe I'm off to bed soon but I've just RTFT and wanted to comment.

Easy for me to say, but please don't beat yourself up about this. You can't change it, and emailing him wasn't the worst thing in the world. I get that you didn't want him to know it was you because you don't want him to know you're still thinking about him. But it's done now.

Please, deactivate that email account and don't contact him again. He's an arsehole and you don't deserve that. What's harder though is trying to forget about him. Have you thought about speaking to someone - counsellor maybe? Some drs do talking therapies now. I don't know much about them but I've just been referred for anxiety, so hopefully will start in th next few weeks.

Finish your wine tonight, but try not to buy any tomorrow. It will make you feel shittier in the long run, What''s your favourite comedy? Put it on - short term it might make you feel a tiny bit better. And long term, you need a plan. But tongiht, you just need to try and smile at something.

PS I hope your ex gets piles for the rest of his life.

SoozeyHoozey · 08/10/2016 23:12

How are you now OP?

TheStoic · 08/10/2016 23:17

It doesn't matter, OP. It doesn't matter now, it won't matter in 5 years, and it definitely won't matter when you're on your death bed.

Just use these feelings to avoid contacting him ever again. Delete his contact details, delete the 'anonymous' email account. Wash your hands of this completely today. Flowers

ViolettaValery · 08/10/2016 23:26

Hi Wake, how's it going?

Original poster
WakeMeWhenThisIsDone · 08/10/2016 23:26

snooze I'm not ok atm.

OP posts:
ammature · 08/10/2016 23:43

What's happening? Are you safe OP?

ammature · 08/10/2016 23:45

You are not alone. We've all done crazy shit over a guy. You've been drinking all day I'm guessing, gently, do you think that's helpful? Could you put TV on for company and try to sleep? This too shall pass x

Lacoba66 · 08/10/2016 23:53

OP, I'm here.

I have done some daft things in my time ( search my username Hmm and Blush, but to be honest looking back it was all part of my resolving process. Some ( but not all) I'm not proud of, but what you have done is minuscule in the grand scheme of things!

What you need to work on is why, why you still hold on?

mycatwantstokillme1 · 08/10/2016 23:54

everything that ammature has just said that. This will get better in time. I hope you get some sleep tonight,

mycatwantstokillme1 · 08/10/2016 23:56

I'm sorry I can't keep my eyes open or I would hang around for a while. Pleae remember you're not alone, and no person is worth this misery you're going through. You can get through this, everyone on this thread is behind you!

Original poster
WakeMeWhenThisIsDone · 09/10/2016 00:17

i'm here. totally fucked but safe ammature. Feeling weak

OP posts:
kitkat321 · 09/10/2016 00:27

You poor soul. You made a mistake, a silly one but then haven't we all. At the time it is mortifying and takes over your life for a few days - and then other stuff happens, real life takes over and you suddenly forget all about it. I'm sure you'll be able to shrug this off soon - especially if you don't ever have to see him again.

Compartmentalise - lock it up in a little box and never think of it again.

Chin up, you'll be fine!

Myusernameismyusername · 09/10/2016 08:09

I have been reading this thread and while I appreciate how awful feeling shameful is and how it can eat you up, it's also a very bad sign you don't seem to want to even attempt to take any advice given and motivate yourself to move forward from this.

It's nice to get sympathy and understanding from other people I know that but part of being an adult and surviving in this world is learning from our actions to make us better people and not allow all the regrets to eat us up. You need help from a professional before you end up wasting your life regretting things you can't change and using alcohol to self medicate your feelings and at the same time increasing your risk of repeating this behaviour significantly.

Alcohol makes you feel more depressed it is not helping you.

Re-reading this thread over and over about your mistake is not helping you.

You are stuck in the past and if you don't try to haul yourself out of it, is this what you want for your whole life? This feeling?
You are punishing yourself for this but I suspect it is part of a much bigger picture here of self shame and you CAN feel better by addressing it which isn't the same as beating yourself with a giant chain of emails over and over and over.

I really think CBT would help you. You have disordered thinking surrounding this. Sober up and vow to call your GP on Monday and talk about it.

ammature · 09/10/2016 08:35

Hope you've slept it off and the day is sunny and crisp where you are. Get out for a walk or run, get some Madonna immaculate collection on your headphones and style it out as someone said above. Then make an appointment for a good councillor to work this shit out.

You only get one life, maybe volunteer at your local hospice and see what life's really about. Certainly it's about living and surviving not falling apart. You need the tools to get out of this shit heap. You can do it, we are all rooting for you. You need to get busy.

garlicandsapphire · 09/10/2016 09:54

I hope you're feeling better today. Do please forget about the email, it doesnt matter and you wont remember it in a year - it will fade and pass. Delete the account. It wasn't a good idea because you were wanting to stay in contact under a false identity and that would not have made you happy in the end, it would be pointless and wouldn't change anything.

But the reality is you are grieving for the relationship and you are finding no contact very hard. Because it is very hard. We all have moments when we crumble (in my case I've had a few too many messages sent when I've had a drink that were completely bad ideas). Oh god yes. Lots of us have done. But moving on means starting to realise that what they think of us doesn't matter any more. So the real thing to do is to accept its painful but its part of a process that gets easier.. day by day. So build in a few treats for yourself and nice things to look forward to, see friends who cheer you up, go to the movies, have a massage or your nails done, buy a new top. Just find the little pleasures that keep you going. It will get easier, be sure of it.

Whisky2014 · 09/10/2016 10:05

Forget about this arse. He treated you like shit.
You will move on when you go out, have fun and meet new people. You won't move on when you sit in the house drinking wine on your own.
It's obvious it was you because no one else would care or be interested in these dates...how can you not see that?
Anyway, don't respond and watch a comedy film. One with melissa mcarthey usually does the trick for me!

You will have "the fear" because you've been drinking. Don't worry, it will pass. We've all been there at some time. X

Original poster
WakeMeWhenThisIsDone · 09/10/2016 10:27

Thank you all. Feeling a bit less shit today and hoping to make a fresh start to the week tomorrow.

myusername thank you for your post and compassion. You are absolutely right.

Whisky yes, the fear! That dreaded feeling - that's why I kept re-reading it to see how bad it was. It's not such a big deal in the end. I spoke to the Samaritans last night and feel better for having done so.

I can't however stop kicking myself. I know I need to work on myself - I've really let myself slip. I guess the differentiating factor is that there are those that pick themselves up, dust themselves off and walk on. I thought I had but clearly had not. I do feel like I just can't be bothered with it all.

OP posts:
ToDuk · 09/10/2016 10:35

Who cares what he thinks? You never need see him again. Focus in your real current life. Nobody there knows you messed up. So head up and hit the week.

GoodLuckTime · 09/10/2016 10:49

OP just stopping but to say I have been in the kind of place you are in.

Had passionate relationship, a few months but a first time head over heels I love for me. Things were net as they seemed (he was on the rebound) and he suddenly dumped me saying he just couldn't do it. I tried to be strong, kept thinking I would be ok in a bit. We stayed 'friends' where I fell deeper and hoped we'd get back together, and he used me to bolster his ego when he needed it (I couldn't see that st the time). That part lasted a couple of years. Eventually he got a new girlfriend (of course!) and told me the day of the launch of something very important I'd done, by letting me know he was planning to bring her to the party.

It was awful.

Throughout that period I spent ages putting a brave face on things while living out scenarios in my head. I was fixated on what I'd done wrong, what if only I'd done something different we'd have been together and happy.

Eventually I hit rock bottom, told him I never wanted to speak to him again, got some therapy (I did break through NLP and highly recommend it for both understanding and changing your emotional drivers).

Found myself again, got happy. That was 15 years ago and my life is great now.

I want to give you a big hug. Forgive yourself for this mistake, please. Then get some help. This episode is a wake up call to start making changes.

TheZeppo · 09/10/2016 11:05

You sound stuck in the cycle of anxiety. A little action massively blown up and out of proportion. It's part of the illness. I promise, one day you will look back on this and probably smile at how far you've come.

There's no shame whatsoever in asking for help. A trip to the GP is a good place to start.

Step away from the alcohol if you can. Try writing, or painting, or drawing or cooking. I find concentrating on being creative is quite cathartic in itself.

Chin up. You'll be okay Flowers