I've really fucked up - contacted ex anonymously and he figured out it was me

[WakeMeWhenThisIsDone]

Name changed for this. As everything put together would most definitely out me.

I just feel awful. I sent a jokey e-mail to him from an anonymous account and he somehow figured out it was me. I now want to crawl into a dark cave and stay there forever.

OP the thing is though of the 7 billion of us how many know his email address, know the birthday dates, care enough to to email him about it etc. that certainly whittles it down to 1, possibly 2 maximum!

Please don't torture yourself, just completely leave it. He hurt you by the sound of it. Don't waste another minute of your life on him.

(not wine!).

I like the guinea pig suggestion.

Hope you are ok

Hey - don't be too hard on yourself. It's easily done. Do deny it but not too vigorously, as if you didn't really care what he thought. Cool and detached and too busy with your own life - that's the tone you want!

And really, we all do silly things from time to time. Don't hate yourself for it - just try to learn from this mistake.

Is it ok to keep talking. I'm feeling very down

Omg seriously, stop drinking right now. And I'm not saying that in a healthy living paragon sense, I know you already know you shouldn't be. It's just it sounds like your thoughts are spiralling and becoming obsessive and I can absolutely promise you that alcohol WILL start to make those things worse, not in a theoretical "I need to cut down my drinking way", in a "this is affecting your body chemistry right now" way.

Today is about damage limitation, just be very, very kind to yourself and think of some nice things to do and try not to take ANY decisions about this. And I second the CBT suggestion.

Sorry, I hadn't read the whole thread. If it's obvious ot was you, just apologise but in a casual way, as if it wasn't a big deal to you, but a hilarious effect of a great night out with too much drink involved.

Remember - it only seems a big deal to you; it actually isn't. Try and react accordingly.

And lots of big hugs and love from us xxx Heartbreak is indeed hideous - I think of it as a mental illness. Please don't hate yourself

Of course keep talking! This kind of stuff fucks us all up for a while, it's perfectly normal, and it's only when you're out the other side you'll be able to see how weird your thinking was!

It sounds like maybe doing this has shocked you into realising some of your thinking patterns are a bit strange at the moment? Like when obsessive thoughts are in your head they can be buried under "normality" but now this one is out in the world.

Can you go and be with people today? It sounds like you need to be.

He knows it was you. There are maybe three people who would know that information, just one that would be hurt enough by it to send an anonymous email. He knew it was you, he addressed you by name. He's also very likely to know things such as how you write. It doesn't matter anymore - he knows, you know, it's done. It only gets worse if you deny it is you.

I don't think having contact with him is doing your mental health any good. Going to be around people may settle your mind a bit, and promise yourself you won't open the email account until Monday at least, then on Monday promise Tuesday... soon it'll fade and you won't have the urge. Logging in is dangerous, at the moment, any further contact will worsen the situation and denying it was you will be mortifying.

Wine probably isn't a good idea; either. If anything it gives false confidence that turns into regret. Pour it away, if you haven't finished it.

This will fade, I promise.

Cross posts, Wake. Talk as much as you need to

You're drinking and looking at the email and you have nothing better to do. That right there is a recipe for disaster.

Put down the wine, step away from the email, and get out of the house.

Otherwise I. Two hours you will be telling us "Fuck I made it even worse".

And stop wondering how/whether he knows it was you. The next step from that is emailing to ask him. And that would be bad.

Thank you all. I feel liked I've been kicked in the stomach 1000 times. I feel truly awful. I don't think I will pour away the wine. I just figured it's been 3 years and I should not have done what I did. Clearly it means I have not moved on which I haven't but I didn't want him to know that. I'm still clinging on to the idea that he doesn't concretely know. I must sound like a broken record

If this helps at all, this is what I said to myself when I was getting over a horrendous break-up (not cheating but kind of worse in a way, I had actual PTSD symptoms for a couple of weeks) and I caught the obsessive awful feelings starting. I would sit somewhere and say to myself something like, "Well done, body, well done, brain, you work! You think you're under threat and you're firing all these chemicals, which is really impressive, but also, you're being silly and unhelpful." And then you just kind of ride it out. Observe that you feel like shit. Sit there until it stops, and know it WILL stop.

As soon as you feel strong enough today, I think it would be great to go out or call someone (not him!!), but realise these things are hard.

Ok, it is technically the case that if a gun was held to his head and he was told he could either say "It was Wake sent the email" or "I don't know who sent the email" and he would be shot if the answer was wrong, he'd probably go with "I don't know"! That much is true.

Maybe you'll come to see this as a bit of a healthy turning point. Ultimately it doesn't matter what that twat thinks, he cheated on you. But it DOES matter that you are well, and now you know you're not, and there is stuff you can do about that.

Can you go and be with someone? Or get someone to come and be with you?

Be careful driving, though. Make sure you're in a fit state if you're going to go out.

anchor i'm not going to go out or see anyone today. I just can't face it. I obviously won't drive either in the state that I am in. I imagine I'll only go to the shop to top up if I run out of wine. I remember your thread a while ago about the anonymous dinner.. I'm glad to see you on my thread.

Okay, listen up, OP. I'm going to spill my guts -and then name change

I have done some humiliating things over men. Last guy that cheated on me, I sent an email to the OW detailing every time I had seen him while he was supposed to be with her, etc. Realised afterwards that neither of them gave a fuck (they are now married), and cant believe I put myself through that.

I also contacted an ex through FB who was pretty much 'Why are you talking to me? '

Honestly can't believe it was me, when I think back to some things I've done. But you know what? I now don't give a fuck. And nor should you. It was done out of a place of vulnerability, not stupidity or malice. Why feel awful about yourself as further punishment?

You sound pretty cool and funny. You will get through this. Hold your head high.

You should get someone to log in and change the password so you can't look again and dwell on it!

I mean this gently but of course it was obvious - you are probably the only person who would have made that kind of joke and would have remembered the significance of the date.

Everyone does silly things, it's not like you have done anything horrendous.

Please don't drink all day - that will make you feel even more low and anxious

Are you ok OP? .

No veggie I did/have made it worse. I'm feeling very weak atm

It's done.
You don't need to send a lighthearted apology because he was a cheating arsehole.
You are absolved morally on that one
His opinion means zilch, he's scum.

Now you just have to decide how to get through today.
Really really try to make that without more wine though - it will fuck your head up.
Can you swim? I find a good swimming session can help clear the cobwebs.
Or have an indulgent afternoon in the cinema.

cabrinha I don't know what I'm gonna do today. I made a massive error of judgement. Oddly enough I was completely drunk when I sent the e-mail and getting drunk again today. I just feel so so so awful.