The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

FV45 - If he wants to share the care of the child 50/50, he shall have to arrange childcare for when he's working, not rely on you!

c3 Well yes. You want to tell him that? He wants everyone to revolve around him.

Yes, clearly the tricky part is going to be to get him to see the writing on the wall.

If he is going to want you to have the little one when he works, he's going to have to settle for less than 50/50...

No point engaging with him further over this now it seems.

This is what your solicitor is for.

But it's ok for you not to see him for three days!

Think you should text back with just that, but that's me. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and realise the world doesn't revolve around him. (No don't tell him that, just think it).

Only iterate to the Prick

"DS2 needs routine & stability, he isn't coping with things changing so much so ad hoc does not work for him" repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Sol called. She said I've done everything I can. Court it is (representing myself with a Mackenzie friend, no ££ left).

I can't stop crying. It hurts so much that my little boy is being used in this way.

We have 50:50 one week on one off. It's bad enough like that frankly. Used to be Friday to Monday with parent 1 Tuesday night with parent 2 Wednesday and Thursday night with parent 1 and that was even worse.

Best suggestion is same parent for same school days then the right bit of kit goes to school and activities. Otherwise everyone has to have 2 total lots of kit. And it's always in the wrong fucking place. Always.

Your aim should be that DS doesn't need to be trailing shit from one house to the other.

Huge hugs.

You knew it would come to this but that doesn't make it any easier, nor any less painful.

Remember your little boy will be protected by you standing up for his needs in the middle of this.

A hearing can take up to 6 weeks. I don't think I can do this for that long
DS1 just txt to say he's going for a curry with ex. That's good obv but now I'll all alone at home and feeling very, very sad.

I will go for a run. A good opportunity to go out with friends, but when I'm like this I withdraw into myself.

Head teacher has been lovely.

I wouldn't be afraid to use the line "DS2 wants me to collect him tonight as per the rota"

If the prick is working does he have a regular finish time that means he could still have DS2 over night - I would go down that route if possible.

As per the rota your days are Wed & Thurs as you now have to work I'll help you out by collecting him from school until you can collect... Of course the downside means that you would always be trapped at home at his beck and call with no ability to plan but it could be a short term solution for the next 6 weeks or so?

Big hugs.

Ex is going to have to realise that you both have to get used to 3 days without seeing DS2 and that it's hard on both of you. He gave little thought to you when he took him away on holiday earlier this year.

I am not going to engage with him any more. We are sorted out until end of October. I will mentally prepare myself for more of the same in Nov. I have support all around me and him being out of my home gives me strength. He takes pleasure in getting his own way, despite it being at the expense of our son. I will not give him that pleasure.
I will spend my time and energy preparing the court papers. The WA sol said she would look over them for me FOC.

Good stuff

If DS1 is happy to baby sit when he doesn't have other plans then in a sense you have the ability to let his cancelling contact wash over you - to bat it away and go to him "no problem if you need to cancel, but the rota stays in place". This is why I wonder if the mid week handover would work because by default you would end up with DS2 an awful lot more due to Ex cancelling.

Lovely Mackenzie Friend just called. Team FV45 is getting stronger!

I am still in bed having skipped boot camp in favour of drinking tea.

I'm glad the issue has been resolved, hope you stood firm.

He needs to learn that the more reasonable he is the more flexible you will be should work suddenly change.

Hope you have a good weekend.

No, the issue isn't resolved. Next week will be here, there....
It reached a stalemate. He won't let me have DS 3 days in a row, he "can't" have him 3 days in a row due to his work. There's nothing I can do, just tell myself that it will be ok.

Right...am off to the dump...that's got to be good for me! Chucking his stuff in a skip!!

Remind me, does he work evenings?

It's not your fault or your sons fault that he hasn't as yet sorted his work out.

I guess the courts will go along with any arrangement so long as everyone involved is happy, however, if it is too disrupting for DS2 then he has to either change jobs or see him less. Saying that, a 6 week delay to court might be a good thing as you can see how DS2 does actually cope.

How does he plan to stop you from having the little one 3 days in a row (or more)?

Food for thought...

If Ex can have him overnight 3 days in a row even if it's just before bedtime that still counts as shared care - or does his job involve late evenings?

Does he understand that it's just literal where they sleep overnight that are measured for say maintenance reasons?

random His hours go into late evening - as late as midnight sometimes. They are variable and never on the same days. Great, huh?

Neither of us are claiming maintenance from the other, so that's not an issue.

c3 I haven't asked him outright what he would do if I said "No, I am going to collect him from school as I don't agree with your proposal". I have given the head teacher my word that she will not see both of us up there fighting over DS2 and if that situation arose I would walk away.
That's the right thing to do, isn't it? That doesn't mean I'm giving in to him, it means I am putting my son first, doesn't it?

Based on his past EA of me and knowing how he works he would turn up to collect DS2. I am not going to get into some twisted situation of us getting to the school earlier and earlier in order to be the first parent there. I might be being over-sensitive, but I'm thinking that maybe you believe I am not trying hard enough? That I am not standing up to him?
I didn't see you on my previous thread so assume you don't know the long, miserable history (that's fine, I don't expect you to!). When I have stood up to him I have ended up calling the police. I don't want to put myself or my children through that.
This is why I am following the legal route.

Having said all that, I am aware that he still has a lot of control over me and so maybe there are things I could be doing differently. I'm interested to hear what you think I could do. And I am also interested in your POV as a father.

It's early days. My DH ex did outrageous things to mess abt child care, sending away just before he was due to pick up for holiday, demanding he picks up from school at very short notice and if he refused would just leave her there and not answer calls to school, just some examples. So, yes some parents will behave atrociously when it comes to getting one over the other parent. When I've read some things you have said FV I have wanted to suggest something but then figured 'oh he would probably do etc.,' so yes, if he is of a mind to then he would just turn up and collect DS2, especially if DS2 was going to after school care.

It could be that his working hours are simply not suited to a strict 50:50 split unless he is prepared to find child care and actually that is what he should do.

So for court are you planning to state that you are happy for 50:50, however how ex wants it to work is extremely unsettling for DS2 - and then letthe judge decide?

FV45

I have read your other thread, and I'm aware of how absolutely awful it's been...

So while I certainly wouldn't advocate provoking his wrath and ending up causing a scene at the school, I would say that it may be worth testing his resolve and seeing if he is willing to push for it. If you told him you were having the little one for say, 4 days, and he said no, and you said tough, and then on the last day he turned up at the school, you could leave without causing a scene and then you can say in court that despite offering reasonable contact he continues to be disruptive by turning up at the school despite you saying that you would be having the child.

Have you attempted mediation yet? I have a CAO myself and represented myself (luckily my.case ended up being very straightforward, my boys Mum didn't contest it, but I've done a lot of research and know a few things about the family court), so I've experienced similar.

I think you're doing an excellent job in very trying circumstances.

c3pu, do you use the same child care provider as your ex when the boys are with you? And do you simply split the cost?

iamdobby

I'm incredibly lucky, I work flexi time and I'm able to work long hours when the boys are with their Mum (she's unemployed so doesn't need childcare), and do all the school runs for when they are with me.

It's a bit trickier over the holidays, but my ex and I usually come to some sort of arrangement!