The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Aww I bet you do.

Must admit I'm a bit old fashioned on the 50:50, just can't see how it works on a practical level when children need different things for school and only so much uniform. Perhaps you can ask the school if there is somewhere a back pack can be left when dropping off. Then you are just left with your ex being useless.

Ok so it was a long term fixed rota - yes that is what you need and yes I think you will end up in court to achieve something similar. Sadly I think the forgetting is deliberate as is now ignoring the rota

I have heard that 50/50 has been found to be not in the best interests of the child.....just saying.

amI That may well be true, but as it stands, the Courts are keen to base residency around 50:50.

Where have you heard this may I ask?

Quick.
Just back from WA sol. Was good. They will write letter FOC to my ex telling him the ad hoc set up is a piece of nonsense, present the rolling rota he agreed to, threaten him with court etc.

As I know a sol letter counts for nothing if he ignores and I also know a breach of a court order stands for nothings so the step after that is to apply for an enforcement of the court order with a penal notice attached. And make him pay the costs.

Am hoping that as these sols work for women in difficult circumstances they'll be a bit more on the ball with EA etc ie not allowing delays.

Meanwhile ex's car has been parked up the road all day (he dropped DS2 at school and then some stuff with me so it was reasonable (just) to have it there for a bit). Makes me feel on edge. I bet he's gone to watch DS play tennis at after school club.

Well I'm pleased he has engaged brain and delivered belongings back to you.

Yes, not sure I would be happy with car there all day. Odd. You are picking DS2 up today so I hope he has gone by then.

Glad solicitors went well, I really hope they are on the ball.

Solicitor sounds good, yeah he wants to make a point re: leaving the car there - just ignore, ignore, ignore

I do shared care with my boys mum, it has been great for our kids.

50:50 can work well, if both parents are willing and able, and live close enough to school etc... And most importantly of all, are able to co-parent amicably.

Kinda feel like it may fall down for FV45 on that last one, he sounds awful :(

Car was there all evening. Not sure what time he took it.

Lots of issues with school stuff (uniform, letters etc). Have emailed school for support. Angry little boy this morning.

Have emailed residency rota until end of month. THEN all the plans we had made before he moved out (1/2 term, some other things on the calendar) will have passed and we should be able to move to the rolling rota I proposed at the end of Sept.

Bone scan today to find out why I keep getting stress fractures. I'm either crumbling or am foolish, or maybe a bit of both. If they tell me running is ruining me I don't know how I'll cope.

Does the school have a text service? My boys schools have been really good and have both their mum and I getting the text messages so we are both aware of 90% of the stuff that is going on!

Very odd behaviour with the car. Did he watch DS2 play tennis?

It's nice to here from c3pu that 50:50 can work, I think the key as he stated is down to the ability to communicate and for neither party to wish to cause the other unnecessary upset.

The big issue here is that his thoughtless actions have a big effect on DS2. I hope the school can put in place the support but it's frustrating that you even need to ask. Our schools do everything online now, including school trips, we have to print off and sign, they also text reminders.

Hope bone scan is okay. This process had been as hard on your body as it has been on your mental health.

No, he wasn't at tennis.

I have never said to ex that I was unwilling to work at 50:50. It's good to hear that it can work c3

He's being a complete knobber. He has rejected my rota as DS2 is with me 3 days in a row and he wants, me, him, me, him - during the school week.
I wrote back saying I'd be advised that DS needed more stability and thus I did not agree.

School have actually been very good. Most things are done via parentmail. No txt reminders though. I'll see what the head says. I'm sure this must come up quite frequently.

Scan was fine - no results yet. Finding a parking space was very stressful!

It will never be easy with ex as he'll never "co-parent"

It's hard to think of any sort of rota that will be strictly 50:50 and be suitable for your DS as presumably Ex will refuse anything less than 7 nights per fortnight?

I'd say week on week off midweek to midweek would be best but I think your DS2 is too young because of the nature of Ex's abusiveness. l cannot imagine your DS2 wanting to spend more than 2 nights per row with Ex.

What have you proposed? I really hope Ex gets bored and drops into seeing him just once or twice a week.

I'd strongly suggest going for a week on/week off arrangement if it's at all possible. Can do the pickup's/dropoffs at school during term time and then you will hardly have to see your ex!

That way there's stability and not too long without the child.

c3, do you mean one parent has them one whole week at a time?

Yes parking at any hospital these days is enough to bring on a stress related stroke!

I agree, I do not think one on one off would be suitable for any child, I do actually understand his thinking on it and sounds good for the parents but not the child.

One week off one week one can work great for some children, but as ever it depends on the parents and IMHO if they both close to the school and friends.

Nothing works that will with an abusive ex though, unsurprisingly

Well we can call talk amongst ourselves until we've worn our fingers out, but until ex sees sense or is forced to comply by a court there's little benefit.

I am actually very open to discussion. I have HUGE flexibility in my work in that I work from home full time for a US company ie it would be fine for me to log on for a few hours in the evening once DS2 is in bed. I have access to childcare, I have an older son who can mind DS2 to a certain extent (I am very mindful that they are brothers, DS1 is not his carer).

But ex wants to have DS2 when he is not working. His working days are variable from week to week with little notice. He simply will not enter discussion.

The rolling rota was more 3 days/4 days within a week.

If his hours can change with short notice then how would him - you - him etc work? Really what he is saying he wants him when he says he wants him.

Can't imagine what he does for a living....

Well It's tough shit for the ex isn't, that sort of contact arrangement does not work for DS2 or you and his want will never trump DS2's needs.

Yes you will end up in court to enforce some sort of schedule. Yes he'll have to use childcare on his days if he ends up working. Will be interesting to see how much better his variability can be reduced once he really wants it to be...

Ad hoc and 50:50 care doesn't go together in the same sentence does it!! Although I was thinking you could do one week off one week on and then DS comes to you on his week whenever he's at work... he'd have no childcare costs, you see more of DS2...

It's not about what your EX wants it's about what is best for your ds2. And changing every other day is not it.

Can I ask if DS1 is his child as well as your EX seems not to want a relationship with him at all. Or is it because DS1 is that much older so can not be brainwashed molded into what EX wants at the moment.

That's exactly it dobby - wants DS2 when it suits him.

random Yes, 50:50 but DS2 with me when he's working suits me JUST FINE!

clutter Yes, DS1 is his. They have a good relationship, but you're right, he has his own mind and can't be bought. He's seen his Dad once since he left, and that was cos it was ex's Birthday.

I am still waiting to hear back from WA sol, I've left a message on her phone. Then I will txt ex and gently tell him I have sought legal advice and here, there, here, there is advised against.

DS2 was in a right pickle yesterday evening. I was at my wits end, but he picked up later on and we had a lovely evening. He asked who was collecting him, I told him Dad and he was sad, said he wanted to stay with me. Broke my heart. He said it again this morning, so I told him that Daddy wants to see him as much as I do. And I told him that I am trying to sort things out so we have a better routine.

I won't see him till Sunday now. It's hard, but that's how it is for separated parents. I have DS1 here and my own interests and friends so I do make the most of it, which is important.

c3, do you mean one parent has them one whole week at a time?

Yeah thats how I do things with my boys mum... Obviously there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to this sort of thing, but regular blocks of time allow everyone to plan ahead and get some sort of normality in their lives!

We do it Monday to Monday, with an "opposite overnight" on a Thursday so we don't have to go too long without seeing the kids. That we each parent has a full weekend with the kids every other week, and all the stress fun of the school runs etc.

On a Monday morning I'll drop them off at school, and she will pick them up in the afternoon, so there is no need for me to see much of my ex at all these days. We chat regularly and amicably about school things, medical appointments, clubs etc, and we are flexible for when it comes to holidays and the occasions I need to go away with work.

The situation FV45 is describing where the ex wants the child every other day/whenever he feels like it will be totally unworkable I expect. The poor kid wouldn't know whether he's coming or going, and I strongly suspect the ex would be using it as a method of control (change plans at short notice to inconvenience FV45, demand contact at times when FV45 is supposed to have the child, then say she is trying to alienate him if she refuses etc).

He'll get no traction if he tries to ask for ad-hoc in child arrangements order, that's for sure.

Yes it must be very hard but you do have exactly the right attitude.

I guess DS2 would never talk to his Dad and express his wishes?

All you can do with DS2 is see how it goes and if he doesn't settle into the routine then try and change it. You might need other support to do that i.e. DS2 might need to express himself to either his Dad, the school or DS1 , if he is comfortable to confirm to his Dad how his brother is feeling, Or a child therapist. Although you may have some tough periods with DS2 but he may settle into it and get used to it.

Am in floods of tears.

He is being an absolute bastard.

I txt him (haven't yet heard from sol), he said "3 day stretch out of order, he should be with me Monday", I replied saying he should have him on Tues as well then as I didn't want here, there, here, there. I told him I'd got legal advice. He thinks he's above the bloody law - he's right...he is, but they'll come down on him a lot harder (and hopefully faster) when a child is involved. He stands to lose a lot, which is so bloody stupid when I'm quite willing to have a reasonable shared care agreement with him.

His reply "no, working, as you know".

I've called the local WA who will call the sol and say I need immediate help.

c3 that's what I want

And here was me thinking I'd have a good working day.

And now amazon guy just delivered a parcel and I look like the village mad woman. But I have my new kitchen radio since ex took the one in there.