The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Really well done on the chasing up the CBT - I know it’s not going to be easy but hey, living with it and not dealing isn’t easy is it? It may be able to be buried or ignored for a while but it will keep rearing it’s ugly head and affect the way you deal with things.

If DS2 appears a little happier at the moment then leave the email and see how it goes, it can always be sent at a later date. I think you will always have a negative reply (if he reply’s at all) from ex, he seems to be conditioned that way, however, I dare to hope that you telling him that DS2 is unhappy has had some effect.... I know I may eat those words later! Lol - we can but hope, his relationship with DS2 does seem important to him.

At work so brief response.

Perhaps instead of requesting changes if you send the email make it more just a factual statement

DS is much happier at spending time with you due to not cycling in cold/wet weather. DS is much happier being in your home whilst sharers are aware.

DS is still very upset/worried about x y z

I would hope that moving forward you would take the above into account when considering DS best interests in his contact time with you as he still currently wishes to move to more time with me/different pattern of...

Worth considering?

Write the bloody thing. Post it here. We will all put in our 2 pence worth. Then you can decide but at least it's bloody done and you can stop thinking about it.

I tended to show or read to my DDs what I wrote so they new what was going on. And they could have an opinion. I believe in total transparency towards my kids as it removes power from your ex. I can't say what I did was right or wrong but I do feel inaction is actually not a good choice for you or your son. Inaction makes you feel powerless. Standing up to a bully is rarely as awful as the idea of standing up to them.

Yes, I think DC1 could help DC2 by being empathetic & trying to encourage him to stand up for what he wants.

Thank you for your support folks (and sort of for the kick up the bum).

forever, I have talked to DS1 over the years, what I meant was specifically about this issue. However, I did talk to him last night and it was a good talk. He confirmed much of what DS2 has told me, but also said that he remembers being DS2's age and just wanting to be with me (Mum) cos that's what little kids need, rather than not wanting to be with Dad as such. I used to go to choir once a week and DS1 was saying how he didn't like those evenings (first time he's told me that, and it was 9 years ago!)

I WILL start the email today. I won't go straight to court - they will want to see that the parents have made some effort to resolve things outside Court.

I think I will (as random advised) just keep to facts and not fill it with suggestions of what I think is best for DS2; that will make him defensive.

I won't show it to DS2 as he will become incredibly worried.

This inaction is pulling me in both directions. I feel I'm letting DS2 down but am also protecting myself. Standing up to my bully has cost me a lot emotionally, physically not to mention financially, and starting on that route again scares me. Ex has not changed a bit - he is full of resentment and belief that it's all my fault and even though I know that's not true I am still working on how to deal with it and it's hard. But the time is right now (Xmas out of the way, a calm few months ahead, no kids doing exams etc). I have a good support network and people I can call if the abuse ramps up.

And now I'm off to bootcamp, then shopping with DS1 for uni stuff, should be a good day.

forever it's not quite 50:50, but 60:40.
I would very much prefer to resolve the issues of concern rather than have full or nearly full residency of DS2. Apart from DS2 needs, it would be very, very hard for me to manage my work and other commitments which I think would not be good for me (and therefore DSs).

As an aside, over the 3 weeks DS1 has been back from uni, he's seen his Dad only 3 times.

Thank you for asking.

The email response was HORRID. BUT....it all coincided with him choosing to move 20 miles away. Good and bad.
I think we will avoid Court cos all of a sudden Dad of the century doesn't want DS2 having to do a 40 mile round trip to school so he's suggested another day every 2 weeks where DS2 will be with me. Sounds small, but it reduces toing and froing quite a bit during the school week.

Also, when DS2 has events after school he's suggesting meaning he can't be arsed to drive that DS2 stay with me. Good. Twat.

I can see it slowly moving towards a more conventional contact arrangement (which I should have fought for in the first place, but just too relieved to get a position statement from him at all), whereby DS sees his Dad eow and a day in the week every 2 weeks.

However, already ex has been 'suggesting' I do this, that and the other (mainly footie-related things). Nope, I also have my own plans.

DS does seem more settled.

Meanwhile I continue to work on my MH. I can really feel like I'm making steps in the right direction, but them BOOM something sets me right back and I lose my shit. I then feel really bad because I know it's because I'm not very resilient because of my ED, but the control that gives me is proving very hard to let go of. I'm trying.

Overall that sounds like progress. Thank f*ck DS2 will be spending more time at home with you. Once that becomes established as the norm he would find it difficult to impose getting the court ordered contact level reinstated!

Ensure you keep a diary and record of it all...

After decades of ED it make be a life's work keeping it at Bay???? I have MH and they ebb and flow and probably always will

Time marches on.
I am here to ask for advice.

DS2 (now 9 years old, yr 4) goes to after school club once a week, the other days are a mix of me collecting him 3.05 and returning to work while he occupies himself (which I don't like), an after school sport on a Monday and every Friday with his Dad.

I need this one long non-disrupted day a week.

DS2 has been kicking off about it for MONTHS. I changed the club to a different one and he seemed happy for a bit, but now he's not happy there. He's feigned illness, he goes on and on about it all week - it's just getting me down hugely.

I don't know whether to accommodate (pander to?) him, or just tell him it's how it is. I do actually need him enrolled in after school care for times when I travel and need additional days.

I have of course spoken to the carers who have no concerns. I am looking into a child minder.

I've asked the school to help me.

WWYD?

Give him options CM/Club/Sport - he can choose which one but then no more complaining!

Issue above currently resolved - he's going to a CM and so far is happier.

Now the big one - again.
He doesn't want to go to his Dad's. Crying, telling me what goes on etc etc. I don't know what to do. I am RP but he has PR and the CO states where DS should be. I would be in breach of the CO if I refused contact. And I wouldn't know how to actually do that anyway, bar running away with him. Ex picks him up from school.

He has written to Child Line which I hope will lead to him calling them.
Unless he speaks about his worries with someone other than me it will be very hard to take it back to court.

Oh and I go to my 4th CBT session tomorrow. Haven't actually done more than talk about my life up to when I got met ex and about my family. A little bit about how I deal with stuff, but not got to the nitty gritty yet.

What a day. So a very brave DS did speak to a teacher at school.
And I've spoken to my solicitor.

I can refuse contact. I will be in breach of the CO, but police don't have power to do anything (not a criminal matter), they can just inform me I am breaching it and that we need to go back to Court.

I'm scared ex will come to the house, but will call the police if I feel threatened in anyway.

The fact that DS sat in school and told them he was scared (and listed the things he's scared of), and in tears is NOT a safe guarding issue apparently. So fucking fed up with emotional abuse not being recognised as abuse.

This mama bear has got her claws out.

It's rubbish and cruel

Ex says I will be hearing from his solicitor. Good. He can pay to take it back to court.

That's a result then

My kids were 8&9 when they talked to the judge the first time. They were shit scared but did it. We went to the police first so we had a trace. The court gave the kids a lawyer and they had individual meetings with the judge.

He made a complaint against me which was in criminal court but this was heard after the family court hearing and the family court wrote to the criminal court. It was then dropped.

I'm in bits here.

I need to start the process of varying the CO myself as it will look better.
But I am also waiting for something from ex's sol to pop through the letter box.

I can't focus on my work, am shaking and very, very sad.
I WILL do it because I have to, but it's bloody awful that I am in this situation. How fucking dare ex treat his son so badly.

I submitted forms C100 and C1a to the Court a couple of days ago.
I have informed ex. He just replied saying it doesn't make a jot of difference since I've been breaching the Order since 25th May.

Yes, I have been breaching the order and I fully acknowledge that, but me submitting papers to the court DOES make a difference, doesn't it?

I've seen nothing to suggest he is taking it to Court and that's the only way to change the contact arrangement.

I feel sick to my stomach imagining him reading what I've written about his abuse towards me. And even more sick thinking I might have to face him in court about it.

DS2 is much more stable and happy. He does not want to see his Dad at all. I have explained that we need to formalise the arrangement.

Well done Op.

Just keep ignoring anything ex says.

One step at a time you are releasing yourself from his perceived power.

Your ds is very brave to stand up for himself. You are brave too, I've been following your posts over the many months (sadly our xhs have things in common) and you have faced some real sh*t from xh. it's rubbish the way EA is dismissed as 'less than' physical sometimes. Head up, keep going. Post if you need support. You have your son's back. I think mumsnet has yours. 💐

At least you're making efforts to address the situation!