The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Yes, he had what 3 chances to drop the stuff off?

He wants to wind you up by making you run around after him.

+dobby* a clue...2 wheels, chain, saddle.....

Has he not brought a car yet? I guess he thought his preference to cycling was more important than his sons belongings. Has he always been so useless?

The boys should have brought him a very big backpack for his birthday.

Go and see the head tomorrow morning. Explain what an arse how difficult ex is being, and if your DC can leave a spare set of uniform in school, (do they do a second hand uniform shop?) Then if twat ex decides to play pathetic power games with his DC, you don't need to engage, knowing that there is uniform waiting in school.
Then, each time twat ex keeps the uniform, send him an email,

Dear twat ex,
On Friday, DC went into your care in school uniform. When you returned DC to me, the uniform was missing. Please could you return the school uniform, or reimburse me for the cost of a replacement set ASAP.
Yours,
Very reasonable Mum.
Keep a trail of your reasonableness and his fuckwittery.
KOKO

Presumably you aren't dropping DS2 at the Prick's place so if he is capable of accommodating collecting DS2 and his belongings then he CAN do the reverse; it's knobbish behaviour to try and control you and keep him engaged with you.

My ex and I managed to co-operate generally well, it is a testament to what a controlling nasty abusive arse your ex is. He doesn't care about DS2 at all just himself

a clue...2 wheels, chain, saddle

A rucksack...

Him riding a bicycle does not negate his responsibility in ensuring that his child has everything necessary for school.
Go see the head; you'll find out that lots of parents who aren't twats ride bicycles and manage to get their kids, fully equipped, to school.

So very happy for you FV45 that he's finally out of your home. I know it's not the end of his terrible behaviour but I hope the relief helps you and your ds's feel better soon

I followed most of your last thread, so glad you've got him out. And I remember the socks too!

What an arse he's being.

Thank you for your comments folks. It does help to get an outside perspective while I get my head around the dynamics and try and meet the needs of my children.

The head is fully supportive. She won't take sides of course, her duty of care lies with DS2 and the last thing I want is to be asking them to deal with things that ex and I should deal with. She's not daft, she knows what's going on, but she remains very professional which is good and the way it should be.
I don't need to say why DS doesn't have book bag or what have you, but am happy to ask her for advice or ask her to support me if I find a way for it to work. She'll realise it's ex being a twat.

He does have a car. He could easily drop bag off tomorrow along with football shorts.

dobby I am seeing WA free sol this week and mediation MIAM the following. I will self represent with a Mackenzie Friend. I need to build my savings up again.
I believe I am being entirely reasonable regarding residency so I think it should be straight forward, though another thread scares me - where the OP is finding (as I did with the divorce) that breaching a court order counts for nothing unless there is instruction to arrest. Will have to ask about that. Not much point me getting court order if he can just break it without consequence.

Yes I'm on that thread and it just makes a complete mockery of the system, I mean why go through the expense and stress of court for a non resident parent to do whatever they like - and he even has form for using the child and lying!

You are being reasonable, 100%.

Did you get DS2's belongings? Blankie etc?

He needs to understand that this is not going to work if he can't be a responsible parent and ensure that DS2 is returned complete with his belongings. You shouldn't have to spend your time with the boys worrying and organising the return of these items. Next visit its worth reminding him you need everything back, so don't cycle back if he can't carry it. If that is ignored then for your sanity it probably worth you doing every pick up, send DS2 back in if anything is missing.

Are you hoping for a watertight residency order from the court? I would probably want one as well but I don't think he will abide by it if he is of a mind to mess about.

Has he given you the following access dates? If not, try once more and then tell him if it's not arranged you will assume he is not going to have him for that period and you will make nessesary arrangements. Shame you can't do it via email at the moment.

ex txt me this morning to say he'd drop book bag at school.

I gave DS2 a letter to give to his class teacher asking for her support and understanding if he doesn't have everything he needs, and that until things are set out legally things might be a muddled (or something like that). Enough so that she knows DS2 is my priority, that my hands are tied but I am doing something about it.

The head heard DS2 say to me "I bet the school photo is in my bag of stuff at Dad's". The last day to order is tomorrow so I was trying to locate it. She got it right away and so did the office staff.

I hope he does take it to school.

Ignore the text. It doesn't require an answer.

And uniform and blankie?

He really is an utter twat! I guess you can put some of it down to teething issues if he has never had to 'think' before but if he wants DS2 50% of the time then he needs to pull his finger out and get organised or simply engage brain.

chuck I actually don't want my ex to lose residency of DS2, for everyone's sake. This isn't about feeling smug about him making himself look bad to the school (though I am human and bitter and I admit that I do).

I think what you need to remember that to Ex it isn't about having a good relationship with DS2 it's about controlling you still

That is the problem, he isn't willing to work with you in DS2 best interests but I think the school are already aware of that and as you said will thankfully work with you in DS best interests.

The problem with you doing pick ups/drop offs from Ex etc. is that he will just increasingly use it to control you - not be there. Sadly because your Ex is poisonous on some levels 50:50 residency share isn't in DS2 best interests - case in point, his refusal to support DS' activities. This sort of thing could well get worse.

Also protect your weekends - they should be shared 50:50 not he gets more weekends with DS2 than you to accommodate his (non) working.

Huge hugs, you are doing so well. I think he will be awful and there is still a rocky road ahead but you have your own home without his presence which will hopefully give you sanctuary.

I think he's going to make it a game to wind you up. It's going to be really hard, but if you can try to not give him the response he's after, he will get bored of it.

My ex would cancel his contact weekend if he knew I was going out, so I ended up having friends on standby. I eventually didn't even give him a response. I'm not saying he stopped being a fuckwit he didn't, but he didn't get the enjoyment and drama he wanted

Lovely, lovely email of support from the Beaver leader. I was totally honest with her and she is more than happy to keep DS2's space open for him.

I have blankie back and DS2 agrees it should stay here. Uniform is steadily all ending up at ex's. Need to think about that. I can go and collect it tomorrow morning when I drop DS1 at the bus stop.

He came to collect some stuff yesterday. Didn't pick up two bags of his clothes. There's some nice stuff in there. I shall spend about 10 mins sorting our what can be given to charity - good that someone else will benefit.

The residency issues go on. I have been really torn. He won't read email until Thursday (a problem in itself) and the current 10 day plan we made runs out on Friday morning. If I say we'll stick to the agreed rota from the other week I know he'll come back to me with a different suggestion as there are things on the calendar. So, it's better for me that I pre-empt this and just write the next 10 days to fit in. We also agreed on 1/2 term (week after next) a while ago. Since he won't read his email until Thurs I sent him a rota from Friday till Monday, which he has agreed to.

I am seeing sol tomorrow.

Meanwhile I bought some lovely new towels.

AND I have also been proper hungry for the first time in a long time.

I would start thinking about what long term fixed contact would work best for DS do not go down the route of a two week rota, far too much power to your ex. All that negotiation etc it's what he wants - the ability to mess you around still with no care for DS.

I presume he took the book bag into school.

I can't work out if he is just being a useless twat or if he is deliberately keeping items to cause you distress/inconvenience.

Glad you've been hungry!

random
I am not sure what you mean. I proposed a rolling 2 week rota, which was 50:50 during the week and every other weekend. 1/2 of each 1/2 term, longer holidays on a week by week basis etc, detailed what to do with bank holidays, illness (parent or child). That's what people do, isn't it?

This is what he originally agreed to, but has since back pedalled on. I can insist we keep to that all I like, but I know he won't. This is why I'm seeing a solicitor. I absolutely don't want to be sorting things out week by week and he knows it.

dobby I don't know if he took the book bag, I haven't seen DS2. He is being useless and also his arrogance allows him to believe I am being the unreasonable one, or more like just being "on the hamster wheel of life" being all uptight about plans.

Oh I see, he picked him up from school yesterday. When does DS2 come home?

I am collecting him from school tomorrow. I miss him. It feels so different to when he's been away on holiday with ex. I am very glad DS1 has been here.

Done loads of work mind you.