The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

You are a brilliant mum to be looking out for your children the way you have through all this upheaval. I would hope I could done what you've done in the situation .

It's just another bullying tactic from him

FFS, Court has returned my application because some pages are missing.

You have to send the original and 3 copies.
I sent the original and for the copies I did not include the 8 pages which were just guidelines or not relevant. I saved 32 pages.

That's a bit jobsworth isn't it? Bloody thing was out of my hands for only 2 days and now I've got it back. It won't take long but it's tipped me over - pent up tears I think.

I shall go for a run in a bit.

I mean, the page actually says "only complete if international element" etc. I'm just going to be sending 32 pages of empty forms.

That's shit

Ah well you know for next time!

That's completely ridiculous - it's hard enough without having to print all that waste of paper but you know it's one of those things sent to help us not allow things to disturb our peace of mind.

No one deserves that power apart from you. So forgive yourself and let it go and be kind to yourself and then resend it. It's another step forward and can only upset you if you let it. So it's ok to be upset/angry/frustrated/helpless etc etc but then once you accept that is how you feel it's ok to move on too.

Done it. It's in the post again (signed for, £8 a pop).

Jess at the post office got to see me tearful, angry and sweary (same postmistress who sent it off on Tuesday), but I don't care. It's a small village and the PO is in the shop and I have been in there in a very tearful state many times over the last years.

BUT IT'S DONE. I shall brace myself for it to be returned again -- if the feng shui of the staples isn't right or something. Or maybe they'll be able to tell that I have non HP ink cartridges in my HP printer and throw me in the dungeon.

Right...back to work. Thanks folks.

Good morning,

Gotta love a random non-pupil day!

So, I am wondering how much I should be encouraging DS2 to contact his Dad.
I have suggested he text, call or write to him, but he has said no, even when there's been something specifically Dad-related e.g. the football (which I am enjoying, but has always been something he's shared with his Dad).
Should I be doing more? He's 9.

Ex was meant to have DS2 for the first couple of weeks of the summer holiday. I just don't know what's going to happen. Should I be proactive in finding out what DS2 wants, or just tell him? On a practical level I will need to put childcare in place if he's with me, which isn't a problem but needs organising.

It all feels like things are in limbo. It's a shame because there are times when it's just me and the boys having a lovely time and all feels good, then I remember.........

Ex has DS's passport - just the way it worked out with him being the last to go abroad with him. I'll need it early Aug.

Ask DS what he thinks he wants to do (tell him he can change his mind). Write to Ex (if he has a solicitor copy him in) formally asking for his passport by x date (needs to be soon) if he doesn't hand it over then you need to go to court to get it urgently.

Maybe stop encouraging him to have contact by having a final conversation about it explaining that you are not going to keep talking about it but leave it up to him to decide if and/or when he wants to.

Is there a way to say his passport is missing and you just apply for a new one? I'd be doing everything I can not to have any contact with ex for any reason so that you life remains calm and peaceful.

Organise the childcare you need because you certainly don't need ex in your life for any reason at all. Let it all go and move on and hope he gives up once he's not getting all the drama that he likes to create.

It's likely he'll find someone else to mess up if he no longer can reach (affect) you. Then will be time to celebrate your freedom.

Let it all go and move on
I would like to, but we need to formalise contact arrangements.

Contact arrangements will get formalised through courts again, ex isn't ever going to be reasonable (which you know).

Hopefully if there is a wrangle over the passport holiday insurance will cover if you have to cancel? You need to formally request it ASAP, you could include a line that he should be receiving court papers soon to resolve contact issues but in the meantime you need passport this week???

this is so difficult on you but you are doing amazingly well.

If he doesn't return passport willingly that will look very bad on him. Research the legal steps to getting it returned via court ASAP too x

Thanks. I was thinking more what the courts will want to see what I've been doing to encourage contact while I've been breaching the CO.

I don't want DS, or anyone to ever turn round to me and say I stopped him seeing his Dad.

Keep a record if dates/times you have suggested to DS contacting Ex (and in what format) and his response (if any). Can't harm?

Tough balance between encouraging and it not seen as obsessing about it! Does DS have his own mobile? Have you asked DS1 if DS2 has said anything to him?

Thanks, I'll do that.
No, he doesn't have a mobile.
I have talked briefly to DS1, but am very much following his lead with how much he wants to say. They boys are never at their Dads together overnight (or rarely together at all actually) so DS1 doesn't see how ex is with DS2 and actually, many of the concerns would be removed if DS1 is there ie ex could go out for late walk while DS1 minds DS2, or just help out a bit not that looking after regular 9 year old boy is particularly hard work

Would it be worth getting DS2 a mobile just to text his Dad? Or would Ex use it to abuse/blackmail DS2?

I don't think he needs one. He knows I can txt his Dad on his behalf.
I did actually get him one to take to his Dad's so he could contact me, but he wouldn't let him use it.

So, I emailed ex asking for passport. He has just replied with a simple 'why'. I'm not sure what to say. It might be that he was planning on using it for the agreed school holiday contact, in which case he would need it first. But obv that would only be applicable IF DS goes with ex for the first couple of weeks of the holiday.

I suppose I can just say I'm making sure I have it well before our own holiday. ????

Sigh....looks like I've nearly reached the end of this second thread.
Surely the third one will see us all settled and getting on with things.

Because unless you are taking DS abroad prior to x date then I would like it for his trip. I also need it to show travel agent (or whatever else you usually do)

Reply from ex saying I'm making no sense because he needs the passport before I do ie he is planning on having DS2 first 2 weeks of holiday as already arranged.

I don't know what to do. I imagine DS2 will say he doesn't want to go.
How far do I go in encouraging him?

I would reply, sorry I didn't know you were taking DS abroad, neither did he. (Have you asked DS if he knew plans?)

I would encourage DS to go by asking him, is he sure etc.

DS knows that he's meant to be spending first 2 weeks of holiday with his Dad, but wasn't sure where they were planning to go.

ex and I discussed these two weeks so I knew they were planned. Thing is if I say I didn't know they were going abroad it does make it look like
I'm OK with it.

I will talk to DS this evening.

Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?

Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).