The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Very frustrating about his job - does he have absolutely no power to change it/have more notice? I just wonder if he does have more than he pretends and it's something he is using to control you more. Does he have to work weekends too?

Stick resolutely to the line always that "Stability is best for DS2, he doesn't want arrangements changing last minute, he needs to know what the rota is". I'd be sorely tempted to go done the route that shared care isn't possible because of his job but you'd be happy to do that if his work commitments change.

Instead I would propose he lives with you and that Ex gives ex days notice of when he is available to have DS2 but the caveat is that weekends are alternated and that DS2 is not away from his HOME more than 72 hours apart from x weeks of holidays per year to be agree y months in advance?

It is very difficult to come up with ideas when we don't actually know Ex's job and the true constraints of it, not that I'm sure we would have any other thoughts.

It's so disappointing for DS2 that because Ex is an abusive git you can't actually offer flexible co-parenting because it can work so well

I would try and come up with workable scenarios. I think every other day isn't going to wash with a judge esp if one of you is against it.

Surely there are other divorced parents at his work? What do they do? Can you ask any of them?

Realistically can he have him 50/50? And does he want it because he doesn't want to pay maintenance? Or does he genuinely want him? Or does he just want you to suffer?

Can you give us an idea of what his rolling 2 week pattern looks like and when your sons extra curricular activities are so we can make suggestions?

Oh yeah I forgot. What works for you both now might not work in the future if there's a change in circumstances. New partners, moving, changing jobs etc. So think in slightly broader terms too. So every other weekend is a given. It's just Monday to Friday that needs sorting.

Just to clarify, if your ex fell off the face of the earth are you in a position to look after the little one full time FV45? And your ex is not, if the situation was reversed?

Thanks for replying c3pu, it's great that this system works well for you and your ex, as you said up thread that you are both able to communicate and be reasonable.

FVs ex only appears to consider his own feelings even above his sons, hopefully in time that will settle down when he realises that although he has moved out it hasn't truly effected his relationship.

Good evening,

Firstly I want to share that I won a running prize today. 5 mile race and 1st female vet over 40. 4th woman overall. Ha!

Anyway, c3 are you offering hit man services?
Indeed I could care for both my children full time if ex was not around. Of course it would be hard, but I am resourceful and have childcare available, along with my flexible working hours.

I believe he works in some sort of call centre. I have no idea how the hours work, he certainly seems to be able to take lots of time off for holidays. I cannot discuss it with him. His needs have always been non-negotiable.

I have emailed the proposed rolling 2 week rota to the MacKenzie friend, but even just a few weeks after I proposed it I can see that I was treading on egg shells - trying to make it something he would approve of. Too much coming and going, which as I understand now is not in DS2's best interest. wally there's really no use in MN trying to come up with a proposal, but thank you all the same. While ex is of the mindset that he has DS 50:50 but won't get childcare or change his working patterns there is little point. I knew I would be in this position, and that's why I'm seeking legal advice. It is very good to mull it over here though, just to make sure I am being reasonable. The sol did read it and say it was.

He has sent me a txt and email telling me he will collect DS2 tomorrow from school "as is my right" and that he doesn't agree with what I proposed last week because "it's not 50:50, you know the rules". Those are not the words of a man open to discussion. And even if I did, he would always have the control over me as to if or when he responds. He knows this and I don't want to put myself through that anxiety.

I asked DS whether Daddy went on his bike ride Sat morning and he said he woke up, didn't know where Daddy was and was scared. He did find that the woman ex shares with and some chap I've never heard of (presumably the woman's partner/boyfriend) were there. Sol said people who live with DS should be police checked. That's going to do down well, isn't it!

He's even worse than I feared tbh.

Ultimately I think you will have to go down the road of having residency and him having fixed contact of less than 50% but cross that bridge when you get to it.

If you are feeling up to it slot into your emails "it's not about my rights or your rights, it's about DS having a relationship with both us that works for HIM"

Well done on your running prize. 🏅

I must be missing something, if he just had DS2 for two nights how does he figure that it's his right to have him again tomorrow night? I suppose it's down to where the start and finish is as you can't divide 7 nights in two. Keep track and keep notes.

Poor kid. So is he just renting a room or two? Had DS2 met these people before? Funny how he manages to arrange 'child care' to go riding a bike but not for when he is at work. Although I do actually wonder if he had even asked them to look after him as he has left him alone before (if memory serves correctly).

Random is right in how you should always reply that you are working in DS2's best interests. It won't be long before DS2 gets fed up and won't want to go at all in my opinion.

So glad you have RL experienced support.

A million times this: "it's not about my rights or your rights, it's about DS having a relationship with both us that works for HIM"

This man does not sound as if he is at all equipped to look after ds at all, let alone 50% of the time!!!!

Everything is noted. Everything.
This coming week is all about him trying to see DS 50:50 while working yesterday, tomorrow and Thursday.
No consideration of how anyone else (his sons and me) might feel.

The only thing I am surprised about is that despite me telling him I have legal advice he is continuing to txt and email me in an intimidating and aggressive manner knowing that I will be keeping it all.

DS snuggled in bed next to me right now....

I wouldn't be at all surprised if, in the future, his only contact is in a supervised contact centre, given how he so obviously does not have ds best interests at heart and simply cannot/won't even consider ds as more than a chattel to do with as he wishes. Your ds will be fine in the long term as he has you but why oh why do these men treat their dc this way?

So the rota planned for the next 14 days is a 50:50 split?

He needs to change his working hours if he wishes to continue 50:50, I hope the courts will see it that way as I can't see it being good for DS2 to be here and there, poor kid will be constantly living out of a bag.

Ps, I hope ex realises that he can't just look at each week for 50% he has to consider a longer period. Also if my memory serves correctly this was the second week he had him Fri and Sat, that's not right either.

FV45 Unfortunately I'm not a hitman, while getting the ex bumped off would no doubt do the world a favour I'm sure DS2 would miss him for a little while

The reason I ask is that if you can look after him full time without his input, but your ex cannot look after him without yours, then his position is inherently weaker than yours... Which is good news.

The bit about collecting DS2 "as is my right" is ridiculous, contact is for the benefit of the child, not for one parent to exercise their "rights"... As for "you know the rules" - there are no "rules"! Prick.

Regarding the police checks for the people who live with DS2's dad, I'll strongly advise letting this one go! Unless you have information that leads you think these people are a risk to the child, you'll have to trust you ex's ability to judge whether or not they are safe to be around the little one. Otherwise you end up going down the slippery slope of him demanding all your friends get checked out, and perhaps worst of all it gives him ammunition to use in court: "She's totally unreasonable, she's demanding I get the people I live with DBS checked for absolutely no reason".

The more you write the more I think this is less about your EX having a relationship with your DS2 and more about YOU not having a relationship with him.

I really hope when you get to court the Judge tells him that he only has responsibilities to look after the welfare of his son and has no rights. And limits his time to every other weekend and maybe one week day dinner in the week between.

"c3" about the police checks, I voiced those exact concerns to the WA sol and he said there was a massive difference between me knowing the background of people who actually share the home our son is in (and appear to be minding him) and say me going out for the day with someone ex doesn't know.
There is also some concern that ex left DS alone in a hotel room at some point. Not the same issue as such but a general nonchalance about his care of DS really.
I don't think I have the courage to go down that road though anyway....

Nothing from ex today apart from two texts (cos I was out swimming and didn't reply to first quick enough obv!) asking whether DS needed packed lunch. Work it out yourself.

Has anyone had experience of using a Mackenzie Friend?

I also need to change my Will. No ££ left though. I guess I am ask on the Legal board.

WWYD?
A school mum is planning a casual trip to a play place after school on Friday. She's asked a bunch of us. DS2 is with ex that evening. DS will hear about it from his mates.
Should I tell ex knowing that he is v unlikely to take DS. Offer to take him myself and drop DS with ex later? Not say a thing and use it as an opportunity to tell all the school mums that don't know I've finally got rid of the bastard

If DS wouldn't find out then I'd drop it, not worth the stress.

I would respond that DS is with his dad that evening and you will let him know but it is not likely that he will take him.

Then tell your ex that DS has been invited out, that you have said you are not likely to take him but thought you would let him know as DS might be upset not going.

Then he will be all 'stop telling me what I can and can't do, of course I will take him'

Then you can smile. Knowing that you manipulated the manipulator.

If he doesn't then smile knowing that your son is very quickly finding out that his dad is not on his side.

Give the mum exs phone number. Not your issue. He wants to be a proper parent now, dealing with this kind of thing is for him to sort. And if he disappoints that's his problem too.

My excellent shrink told me I needed to sort out what were my issues and what were his. I really struggled with the idea and never really managed it because I felt if it affected the kids it was my problem.

But it is the only way to disengage. Likewise the 50/50. It's not as much your problem as you think. Tell him to do the schedule. Then he can't beat you with it. I admit he's unlikely to do it well or in a timely fashion but that all plays into your hands for court decisions. Short to medium term pain for long term gain.

Your son will suffer, but it won't be terminal or long term. Let your ex feel the weight and consequences of his choices. Do not pick up his slack. He knows you are flexible and that's more than enough. If it doesn't suit you to help him out on a particular occasion just say not possible. Maybe next time. If his schedule doesn't suit. Say not possible.

Point out that after school activities are for sons benefit not yours.

It's hard to do. But a good idea to try.

I would do what you suggested, tell ex he needs to take him if it's inconvenient then you are happy to do the run.

Is he having him again fri and Saturday night? This will be your third Saturday in a row you haven't seen him (yes I'm counting). Why when he want one on one off is he getting to have him 2 consecutive nights?

Another WWYD.
Ex has just txt me asking to leave school sweatshirt outside for him to collect. He has 3 and I only have 1 here (actually I bought a new one yesterday, but am not telling him that), so the other 2 are either at school, in which case ex has to chase DS2 as I do, or they're at his place.

I replied saying I only had one here and I didn't want to hand that one over.

LOL...don't know why I'm asking WWYD since I've already done something!

He's replied asking for hoodie or anything. Have left hoodie outside, locked all the doors and myself in my garden office. Bastard.

Thanks for the first WWYD advice.
wally that's really good. I am def. in the mindset of it being my problem if it's to do with the kids. I can't keep doing that, can I (case in point..the sweatshirt). He'll have to find his own way. It hurts me to think that DS2 will probably start to speak up more about what he wants - poor kid, he's only 7.

I've asked play place Mum for mobile number and will forward that on to ex.

dobby DS was will be the first Sat, him the second and him this coming one. The last 2 were already planned before he moved out (the coming one is 1/2 term which was planned ages ago). I don't think he wants to do here, there, here, there all the time, only when it's what fits in with his work.

So, he parked his car near my house, collected the hoodie (not a school uniform one) and has left his car here, with bike on back. I presume he's going on a bike ride and will then collect his car. Officially he's not meant to leave his car there, those spaces are for visitors of the houses nearby. No one really enforces it but I could get snippy about it. I find it intimidating.

You should have told him that DS has taken 3 to his house, so he either needs to find/wash them or go to the school uniform shop and buy another.

If he wants DS 50/50 then he needs to supply all his clothes when he is with him. Otherwise all your DS clothes are going to end up at his house and you will continue to buy more for your home.

Either he needs a school jumper or a hoodie, they are very different.

Sadly DS2 does need to speak up but unfortunately they seldom do with a parent who they are more insecure with, hopefully that's not the case with your son.

He is a law unto himself. Can't work out why he does half the things he does.