The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

If your ex comes to the house, don't engage and phone the police if he doesn't leave.

Sounds like DS would cope better with a reduced level of contact, and possibly could argue that your ex would cope better with it too if he can't get DS into school on time!

Hmmm, and how do you feel?

I can see what she is saying, I guess if your son is unhappy with the court order then you will need to go back to court for an adjustment. Did the head ask your son how he felt? I’m concerned this has just reinforced the feeling that your son has no voice.

But have the courts decided what is best for ds?

Maybe they did at the time but in the light of all that has happened since I'm not so sure.

Be careful that your ds doesn't become your ex's replacement for you. I haven't heard you mention any positive thing he has done with ds. It can't be good for him to be exposed to all this 'you must always do what your dad wants'.

What does ds want?

Hmmm the Head probably won't stick her neck on the line for DS professionally Ex could have her over the coals for that.

Speak to NSPCC if only to get some clarity from those with knowledge that he is well and truly over stepping the line of neglect

The Headteacher is hardly going to suggest any action that would go against the court order. Or that adults don't always know best. Think about it.

Reply from ex "stick to court order".

I realise head doesn't have powers to do much or would advise me to breach court order. I just want her support and advice as that's all I have available right now. And I think if she had concerns for DS's welfare she does have power to step in. We have a good relationship (small village school).

I'll get the court papers today. I'm overwhelmed.

I would consider replying something along the lines of "it is not in the best interests of DS to cause him this level of distress, I had hoped that you would consider his needs and that by allowing him to return home overnight would make him positive about spending time with you"

Won't change his attitude but shows your intent is to make contact
With Ex as a positive thing in his life.

I find the advice from the Head awful - she is basically telling him he has no rights over his feelings at all

That said she cant professionally advise you to breach a court order

Thanks for advice and support - I'll duck out of here for a bit, I'm a bit sensitive.

I KNOW it's a mess.

@FV45 you are doing the very best possible in quite frankly harrowing circumstances, you are amazing to still be functioning well enough to work and parent after all you've been through. I find it heartbreaking that there is so little RL support for those with abusive exes.

There is no right or wrong solution, we can advise but we don't know what will trigger the best outcome. Whichever routes you take will be arduous and is a gamble please be very kind to yourself

You know ex is going to say that. When DS2 comes home pick a good moment and try to talk to him, remind him that his feelings are important, explain that the arrangements were set up originally in a manner that appeared to be good for DS2, if they are now making him unhappy then you will look to change them. I really wish he would talk to a professional and hopefully have it documented.

Get the papers and maybe some advice. One step at a time.

Personally I would reply to ex ‘I don’t want to mess anything around, I’m just passing on how our son feels, perhaps if you would listen to him he would be looking forward to visiting you’ - but that’s me, I know it’s hard engaging.

Very difficult circumstances, try and stay strong.

I'm sorry op - I might have been a bit harsh today and you already have enough on your plate to deal with.

Your ds is in a much better place now that you are no longer living with your ex.

Although you feel it is such a mess you are getting it sorted. It just takes time.

Don’t panic. It is awful. It all takes ages to sort. But do it the legal route. Keep all evidence all the time. Get witness statements if you can. Ask a lawyer for a form for that.

Your job is to help your DS develop the tools to deal with his situation. Remind him he does have choices. And that you can protect him if he makes the choice to reduce contact. Or visitors centre. Or whatever. But those choices need to be his. Remind him that his father should be treasuring him.

Try and give him other name role models- uncles, friends etc (My shrinks advice). Help him try different strategies with his Dad.

My divorce was when DDs were 2&3. They got to there no more moment 6 years later. And he lost parental responsibility this year. So start to finish it was 9 years. There are so many stages to get there, some you can skip. Some you can’t. But it really does need to be your DSs choice. When he makes that choice you can support him.

What MNetters don’t often realize is that if you don’t do the legal route it can end up back firing and the other parent getting full custody. Which is not the desired outcome.

All the time you gather evidence. Collate it. Date it. Make it easy for a lawyer.

Sorry FV only updated today.
yes, I agree you must attempt to make DS talk, if he doesn't then any change is going to look like its the "bitter wife" looking to point score.
whereas in fact, you would not change it if your son wasn't so unhappy.
Is it only DS2 that goes ? can DS1 not help explaining ?

DS2 in tears not wanting to go to ex tomorrow.
I can’t think what I can do apart from run away with him.
Woman’s Aid goes to voice mail.

@FV45

Is he ready to make his choice? If he is then he doesn't have to go it's that simple. The police are not going to turn up at your door to drag him away.

If he wants to make that choice you need to contact ex and tell him. Explain the reasons. Decide with DS if it's a one off or on going. Suggest counseling to find a way through. Or if it's a permanent decision you'll need to go to court and your DS will need his own court appointed lawyer.

Oh I’m sorry, that’s not easy for you.

What is his reason for not wanting to go? How did he get on the last time, did he come home ok or complaining?

Perhaps just try and talk to him and encourage him to speak up to his Dad if something bothers him or if that isn’t possible then tell him if he still feels this way in the New Year then you will try and resolve it but he is most likely going to have to say how he is feeling because his Dad thinks he is perfectly happy there. That sounds rubbish, I don’t really know the answer but am concerned that people aren’t going to just take your word for it. I’m hoping someone jumps on here with more experience.

Maybe talk it over with DS1 when he is home, perhaps he could talk to DS2 and establish how bad it is making him feel.

Can’t talk to ex - have tried, he just refuses to talk - tells me I’m causing trouble, DS is fine etc.

DS says cant wait till new year, says he won’t talk to anyone - too scared.
Got to go, he needs me with him.

My only suggestion is that you tell Ex he is too ill to go, which is true

Would it help him to talk to one of my DDs?either or both of them would be happy to talk it through with him they are 11&13. Text, phone, FaceTime, WhatsApp or whatever. They like finding people who have this shared experience. It helps them too.

Does he have a reason to be scared to talk to someone about his Dad? I know he doesn’t want his Dad to be cross with him but is that just a general fear or more deep rooted do you think?

You said recently that you feel he is testing you and also not so long ago he said something about living with his Dad so I’m wondering if it’s the instability he doesn’t like.

As far as I can see and I hope I’m wrong but unless DS2 will share then your hands are tied. Maybe try and get some advice.

He's asleep.

I took my laptop up to bed so I could do my Xmas tesco shop (everything out of stock and forgotten loads of stuff), while he snuggled in with me listening to classic FM.

Yes, it's the here and there he really doesn't like. He has not mentioned living with his Dad again, no idea where that came from really. He said today that Dad keeps asking him whether he's happy and that he says he is cos he doesn't want to upset him.

Thank you wally, that's kind. I will ask him tomorrow.
I'm just so upset that emotional abuse is not recognised - if ex thumped him, they'd get him out of there like a shot. I feel powerless.

I can and will go back to Court whether DS speaks to anyone or not, but I know it will be easier for them to come to an agreement that DS is happier with if DS has spoken up. I feel so awful that I haven't got the ball rolling yet, I've been burying everything as it's too much to deal with on top of just keeping things ticking over. I am scared too. I don't know if I am resilient enough to handle the long, long wait knowing that ex will have got the court papers.

Saw the ED nurse today after a long break. It was hard, but I felt quite positive afterwards. And now I'm back to feeling dreadful. I've barely eaten today which I know won't help.

Xmas prep is a disaster.

When the court process starts cafcass WILL talk to DS and all I can do there is hope and hope that he gets a good one who DS feels comfortable with. Of all the people, surely they must be the most experienced in these situations.

I must go to bed. Last day of work tomorrow. Was planning on doing ALL my xmas stuff over the w/e. People will understand of course, but it wasn't meant to be like this.