The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Oh your poor child :(

I'm so sorry to hear he's unhappy. Can you get him to a counselor on your days? It does look like you'll have to go back to court, that's miserable.

Take care of yourself as best you can, too. Oxygen masks and all that, right?

He has seen the school counsellor but won't open up to her because he knows that if it leads to a change in contact then his Dad will know it's come from him.
He is happy for me to tell her what he tells me, but not for her to then discuss with him. She (quite rightly) will keep his confidence unless there is a safe-guarding issue.

Oh op that's so sad.
One step at a time.
I haven't got any advice but I'm here with you x

Hi FV, do you think he may be more likely to open up with someone not connected to the school? His Dad goes to the school so he may not feel safe.

It’s difficult because I guess to bring about any change you will need some input from him.

Really sad that your exes bullying nature also transfers to your son.

How is DS1 getting on?

What a morning.

I have MH appt at 11am. DS2 poorly and off school. Doesn't want to go to his Dad's. I've arranged lovely neighbour to mind him (at her house in case ex comes round).

DS2 is meant to be at ex's tonight but doesn't want to go. Have just got advice (Child Law advice line) on whether I can stop contact. Legally not, because we have a Court Order, but I can tell ex I'm stopping contact and to take me back to Court.

DS2 is adamant he doesn't want to go. They said at age 8 the court would prob decide he's too young to understand the long term consequences of not having contact with his Dad.

Don't know what to do. Have told ex repeatedly DS doesn't want to go. DS scared Dad will tell him off if he doesn't go on bike ride. He's very aware that people from school have seen him on his bike when his dad has kept him off school poorly.

DS2 is doing great. He sent me a snapchat video of him opening the first window of the advent calendar I sent him. Awwww.

Do you think your ex would take the case back to court for enforcement?

If yes, you might be better off making the first move and asking for the order to be varied?

If you go back to court, one way or another, documentation will help. For example, days when DS2 was unwell and off school but ex still had him out for a bike ride.

I wonder if requesting reduced contact via a variation as c3pu suggests would be an option with a greater chance of success? Perhaps making it explicit that you would not be requesting any child support on the basis of the changes, if you wouldn't need the extra money? I'm not clear on whether DS2 wants to not go at all, or to go less, or to not do overnights? My heart goes out to the poor child. He sounds so torn and unhappy.

I don't get any maintenance from him. If anything he could claim from me.

DS says he does want to see his Dad, but not stay at his house.
I've told his Dad that. He won't listen to me.

I don't think I have the courage (unless things get really bad) to stop contact. I will start the Court process sooner rather than later. Can't believe I'm at this stage again. I doubt ex would take me to Court. He couldn't be arsed. I need a kick ass cafcass worker who will really get DS to open up. He is young, but he's smart and I really hope they'd take his wishes into account.

MH appt was a waste of time. No one thought to tell me my usual doc has moved so I was met by someone new, who didn't know a thing about me or my case. So I spent the time telling him what I've already told others. All that agro for nothing.

I've encouraged DS to go to Dad's and stay (since ex just keeps saying 'keep to rota' or 'I'll collect him at 3pm' on and on and on. He's OK with it because I put a load of positive spin on it.

On a positive note I am LOVING my new job. So, that's what I shall focus on now and then I shall go for a long run later in the dark with my tunes (and my hat and gloves), and fuck 'em all if they think I'm over-exercising.

FV not to alarm you, but I've reported your post just now so MN can remove a name in the 3rd para.

Going for a variation with reduced contact sounds achievable, more so since there's no money at stake and you are clearly coming at this from the perspective of what's best for DS2.

I'm glad to hear how much you are enjoying your new job, but sucks that your appt was a bit of a waste of time.

Thanks MN for the quick edit!

FV, in view of your DC being locked in dodgy hostel rooms, (for this personally I would have contacted the police). Missing school off sick & being forced to go on bike rides. Repeatedly being returned home unwashed in dirty clothes.... Your DS saying he doesn't want to go... Ex continually dicking about with drop off & collection times. I' think you should stop the contact, & let him go fuck himself take it back to court.

Also it's a well established fact that he's an abusive dickhead... If you did decide to reduce his contact without taking it back to court, do you think you'd be able to deal with the backlash?

Rock and a hard place springs to mind. It's fairly clear that a reduced contact schedule would bring a bit more stability to the little one's life, but seems like the ex would take any chance he can to make your life miserable.

I will go through the proper channels.
Saw ex today at change over (DS playing football) and it was awful. I actually can’t picture us sitting having a conversation about DS’s best interests.
I was actually shaking. And found myself being on my “best behaviour” so as not give ex an opportunity to remind me what a bad mum I am. It’s an automatic behaviour.

dobby I did ask DS whether he’d be more comfortable talking to someone else, but he is still reluctant.

He knows that any changes in contact will be as a result of what he’s talked about. He needs to be sure there will be no repercussions from his Dad. I don’t know how I can promise that since his dad is a bully.

If you need to you will find the strength, you would find it for your son.

What I hope you can avoid is having all the stress and upset and it not meaning anything. Ie knowing what ex is like, you dig your heels in and insist DS2 goes but doesn’t stay over but whilst DS2 is there ex bullies him into staying the night. DS2 is not going to stand up to his Dad and ex will just believe it is you wanting to stop the overnights.

It’s a real tricky one for you. You’ve certainly done the right thing in encouraging DS2 to go, sadly I feel in your situation it’s going to be difficult until DS2 feels he can be more open with how he feels. That may take awhile as he has seen his Dad always get his own way, to him that’s just how it is and there’s no point in complaining or arguing with him.

In the meantime none of it is easy for you.

With my girls I explained that it had to come from them. I couldn’t do it for them it had to be their choice. At 9&10 they finally made the « no more » choice after a truly hideous weekend with him.

Then we went to court for an emergency order. (The girls had their own lawyer). They were terrified of their dad knowing they had spoken about him. He got to see them in a visitors centre for 4 months. No significant bridge building achieved. The court order ran out. No more visits.

2 years on we went to court again and he’s lost parental responsibility, the girls don’t have to see him. It’s very rare for this to happen here (France). He made no effort to address the issues apart from blaming everyone else.

I think you need to have that conversation with your son. He will reach his own tipping point.

Wally thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am sorry your girls went through that.

My situation sounds similar and it's encouraging to read that my son will hopefully come to his own decision.

He was all in a state about going to school today. I really don't think school is a problem. I had a glowing parent/teacher evening, none of his teachers have any concerns at all. All I can think is that he's testing me, seeing if he can trust me and that I listen to him.

I had a good talk with the head this morning. I'm glad he's still in primary school in the village, where I know most of the staff, am just up the road etc.

I hope he's not going to grow up emotionally harmed.

Ex took DS away cycling this weekend. In the freezing snow. DS tells me he was crying with cold. And then ex didn’t get him into school until midday yesterday. FFS.

I really think that it's time to stop contact, he is consistently putting his needs before your sons. Your son is missing school and being put in dreadful situations he is too young to prevent. His father refuses to listen to his needs.
Please dig deep & find the strength to protect him from this bullying.
You have come such a long way, your son needs you to protect him.

I think its really important to remember how hard it is for you as an adult to stand up to your ex.

I'm not sure we can expect a child to have the strength to do so and it may be that you need to step in here and make the correct decision for your sons well being. I'd be considering a temporary break from staying with his dad and monitoring [and recording on paper] any change in behaviour.

My stepson's behaviour completely changed once he no longer had contact with is abusive step dad. I was horrified that I hadn't done anything sooner.

😟so worried. I will talk to school. Ex is meant to collect him. Can they help?
Ex might come to the house.
I have told DS he doesn’t have to go. I have txt ex and told him.

It is worrying op - and difficult but you can do this. You have come so far already.

Start with the school - explain all your concerns - maybe write them all down - perhaps arrange to collect ds earlier today?

Do you have a solicitor you can talk to?

There might be more specific legal help here.

wikivorce.com

Call the police if ex comes to house.

I’m not sure how involved the school can be but no harm in asking.

This is so difficult for you. DS2 needs to understand that his feelings are important and that if he is unhappy his voice should be heard. If you both stand firm then ex has no choice but to listen, problem is that ex knows if he goes on and on he will get his own way, so it would take some serious resolve from both of you for him to realise that times have changed and his bullying tactics will fail.

And don’t listen to any criticising of you, he only does that to bully you into giving in. Ignore and stick to the current subject if you have to have contact with him. You are only interested in the well being of your son, he needs to listen if his son is unhappy etc

I have no idea why I hadn't had your threads updating on my "threads I'm on". You have tonnes of evidence of neglectful behaviour, you need to tell DS that you are stopping contact but that when the professionals ask he needs to tell the truth including that he is scared to say anything because of what his Dad will say to him.

It's truly horrific the lengths some people will go to

Saw head with DS.
She talked to him and advised me not to breach court order. She talked to DS and said he needs to do what the adults (courts) have agreed is best for him.
So unless ex replies agreeing DS stays with me, he will go to ex.