The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Yes you're right. He's trying to confuse and gaslight you. Keep all the evidence you can find.

Yes I know he is suddenly not going to become reasonable. What worries me (and I'm more than happy to be wrong) is you going back to court with little evidence (again I only know what written here) of your efforts to resolve issues. It seems like you have more than I originally thought though. Did you respond when he kept him longer than agreed?

The message that you showed doesn't actually show that he agreed to 4pm but I understand what you are saying, the last contact ended at 4pm so therefore the next one starts at 4pm.

Apart from the fact it would give you a load of stress what do you think he would have done if you had said 'no you kept him until 4pm so drop off will be 4pm' and then made sure you were out by 10am? I ask as a genuine question, nothing funny meant by it.

His tone to you is very dismissive, like you and your feelings or needs aren't relevant or worthy of consideration. He appears to be the same with DS2 to be honest, doesn't listen or consider him much of the time.

Is it possible with both your work and school holidays for contact to always start and end at either 10 or 4? If so pick one then tell him that as any flexibility always appears to work against you that contact now needs to be strictly at x time and no extra days added, if he continues to disrupt the arrangements then you will have no choice but to go back to court.

Is this likely to settle down once the summer holidays are over? If you didn't want to do anything right now you could try to be one step ahead of him, as soon as DS2 is dropped at 4pm send a message saying as contact ended at 4pm you will be dropping him at 4pm on x day. Hard work though trying to predict what an arsehole will do.

My only other suggestion I can think of would be a solicitors letter? I don't know if he would pay any attention to it or not, might just a waste of money.

In answer to your question, he would mainly just continue to harass me until Friday and I would have become very anxious.
He would then probably come to the house on Friday and bang the door, then call me, then harass me via txt.
I am working that day so DS was meant to be at friend's and I would be working. Guess I could go somewhere else to work, but I am meant to feel safe in my own home.

And maybe I would have 'won' that one, but he would "punish" me in other ways.

So, you think he didn't agree to 4pm on Friday?

Things will calm down after the summer holidays, for sure as change over is mostly done around school.

I am in contact with football manager. I think he's popping round here later to drop off new kit. I will speak to him honestly. He seems a decent guy. Maybe he can set the Mens A team on ex! Or the women's rugby team...they were amazing.

I see. I thought you were going with DS2 to the farm, didn't realise you would be at home and therefore have to potentially deal with him.

No the message isn't all that clear to me. I do see him saying 'ok' to the 4pm but as he gave you the 10am instructions he must think that the 4pm is nul and void and therefore a 10am collection would mean a 10am drop off. Did you pick him up at 10am on the Wednesday though?

Unfortunately for you I think you will have to spell it all out and confirm even when a message appears to be clear. Still going to be hard trying to predict what could be misunderstood.

Good move re the football manager, I would be up front and explain.

Hi op - I've only just found this thread so forgive me if I pass on info which pp might have given.

My exh had similar traits to yours. I can see that you are working really hard to keep his controlling ways affecting you to a minimum. You are getting really good at asking for help. It's ok to need help - especially with men like these. Its kind of like they train you - like with a dog - and then you find you are conditioned to respond in specific ways. Often you don't even know why this is.

It takes a lot of effort and understanding to change - but it is possible. I get exactly what you mean when he parks his car in your road. It took me years to stop reacting to cars the same model/colour that my ex had. I was so afraid. Terrified.

I would not be where I am today without the freedom programme. Although it was hard to go - it really helped me [and therefore was essential for my dc] to move forward and to see things as they really were. To learn how to stop repeating that trained nonsense response.

Today I am free. One day you will be completely free too. This makes me smile. You have already put in great foundations to start that process. You have taken further steps to keep on going. You are doing it. You are breaking the chains. It might be up and down, good and bad, too and fro but you are on the right path.

Upthread you mentioned getting a poor response from the MN legal section. I found really helpful advice [better than my solicitor] from this site.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Advice-and-discussion-forums.html

Please pm me if you would like any further help.

rizlett Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. I will read what you've written more thoroughly and I'm sure I'll ask for some advice. It's appreciated.

Meanwhile, ex has asked for DS2 earlier tomorrow (10am instead of 4pm). I agreed right away. Can't be bothered.

Also DS2 and I had the following conversation at bed time, which has left me in bits.
DS: How many nights am I at Daddy's?
me: Just one, then back to me on Wed and Thurs and then back to Dad for the w/e
[he looked a bit down so I then went on]
Me: Would you prefer less toing and froing?
DS: Yes
Me: So, longer time with me and longer time with Dad?
DS: Can I live with Dad all the time?
Me: I'd like to see you too, you know.
DS: Yes, I know. [he then closed his eyes and I kissed him good night, said it was all OK and tucked him in bed]

I do wonder, however, is that because he gets pressure off Ex and he'd rather not have to deal with that and if he lived with Ex then it would stop...

Ouch!

It is quite common for children to come out with this sort of stuff. I agree with Random, plus if the to and fro really bothers him then he has probably worked out if he lived with his Dad then he wouldn't be 'forced' to keep being uprooted as he could be more honest with you and you would listen to how he is feeling. You did really well in how you handled it.

Keep a close eye and ear open in case ex is working on him to lead to a change in residency.

Does he talk to his brother?

How are you doing FV?

I'm OK, thanks. Just keeping my head down.

Hello,

Checking in.

DS1 been at uni a month now. I miss him of course, but we are getting used to the new dynamic. He’s happy and doing well so I can’t ask for more, really.

DS2 ok. The same really - angry, unsettled at times, tells me things I can do little about. He sees the School counsellor.

I’ve started freedom programme. Hard.

I started my new job last week and today am off to China for a conference and to go to main office (the job is based in Hong Kong though I work from home). I’m nervous.

My MH is....I don’t know. I feel ok but my ED is not under control at all. I am minimising my situation and need to address it. I am getting lots of support.

My running is going well (though they tell me I over-exercise). It’s my happy place and my club are my people and I love it.

It’s a year since he left now. What a year.

Its a shame about the ED, but one thing at a time maybe. You have achieved so much, and I'm very impressed by the international travel element. I'm drowning in housewifedom for the first time in my life. Never been a non-working person before and I've lost my identity. Start my new very very part time job tomorrow.

How lovely that DS2 can tell you things that concern him. There is relief even in the telling - so you are helping even if you don't feel as if you are.

Well done on getting on that freedom programme - it will help you and your dcs - even when it is hard. It's kind of like opening pandora's box. Scary. You are smart though op - you are working it all out. It's ok to be exactly where you are, right now.

Normal to be nervous of such a big trip - tell us all about it.

Is this working? I'm behind the great firewall of China!

Yes, mumsnet is everywhere 😂

Apparently so! No Facebook, google (thus no gmail), WhatApp twitch twitch

Anyway, made it to China and am feeling OK.

I am attending a women in science 1 day conference tomorrow, before the main one. Should be interesting. China has all the same issues we have (though actually, childcare is often less of a problem due to family set ups), PLUS the cultural barriers.

Was so hard to say goodbye to DS2, but I'm in work mode now which is easier.

Hi FV! Have a ball at the conference! I love the women in science gatherings. They always make me come home feeling powered up and ready to take on the world.

Thank you Ship.
The conference was brilliant (both the women bit and the main part).
My new colleagues are lovely and I feel very comfortable.

They days have been long, but fun and good for me as I've had little time alone to muse.

ex email harassing me about Xmas. Twat. I told him I wouldn't be easy to contact and he knows I won't have Xmas dates. I can't help thinking he's done it on purpose.

Heard from both boys and they are fine.

Lovely to hear about the conference and your new colleagues. It sounds like the new job is a good fit!

Sorry your ex continues to be a twat. Not like you'd ever expect any different though ...

Glad everything has gone ok in China, you brave woman!

Pleased DS1 has settled in well at uni, both you and DS2 must miss him. I hope the school counsellor can help DS2, it’s hard when your hands are tied.

EAs are hard to manage, you will get there.

Ex continues to be a selective deaf twat.... nothing new there. Lol

I've been in Hong Kong since Monday. VERY smart hotel.

My ED nurse suggested I go to the day hospital for more intensive treatment. FFS. I cannot do that. Really....it would completely screw everything up.

I haven't actually had any CBT yet because the woman left the post and hasn't been replaced.

Yes I can see that would be hard with work etc. I think I was lucky in that my ED was helped by actually getting divorced but I’m still aware that I can have a tendency to emotional eating, I just don’t purge any more. I’m not sure it is something that is ever cured as such. Can I ask if you think your ED is a problem? I only ask because for the longest time people would raise the issue of me being extremely underweight but I really couldnt see it, in fact I liked it as it made me feel in control and powerful, in truth I thought they were just jealous.

Are you home from Hong Kong now?

I know my ED is a problem - my behaviours anyway. I do not see that I am very underweight. I have been told that I am minimising my situation.

It is a control thing, but it's got out of hand.

Yes, I don’t know if every case of ED is a control thing but I know mine was at a time that I felt that I had little or no control over my life as was tied to a controlling man. Thankfully for me, despite having a child together once we were divorced I was no longer of any interest to him and could move on and look back and finally realise I wasn’t a weak worthless person I was actually very strong for having survived it.

The problem is we feel like we are in control with the ED, but it’s actually just something else that is controlling us. You’ve been through so much to rid yourself of a controlling husband, I know he still causes anxiety etc as you have to have contact but don’t let the ED ruin everything else you have fought for.

Hello,

Checking in. Things not great in my head. I am meant to be having CBT but there is no one in the ED team. My nurse and psychiatrist are on to it though. We all agree that CBT needs to happen alongside my ED recovery.

Meanwhile, poor DS2. I had him sobbing and clinging to me yesterday saying that he wants to see his Dad but doesn't want to go to his house. I think the only thing I can do is go back to court at some point. He NEEDS to talk to someone professional about how he feels, but he is scared he'll get in trouble with his Dad.

If he does talk to someone then I can go back to court with the breaches, his wishes and my wishes.