DH wants me to orgasm

[Sugarandspice123]

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better

I don't mean to insult your intelligence Polly, it's only my perspective.

I don't think that 99% of posters have missed something

That's for another thread Polly, but just because something is abundant on MN does not mean it is right. MN is it's own little bubble which attracts people with particular histories, from different demographics, and even individual threads once they start going a certain way invite a particular response rather than the contrary. Not many people like to be the lone voice. Of course the weight of numbers does mean something, it does have weight and I do respect that, but lone voice does need airing sometimes. Particularly when the OP herself feels the majority is has misunderstood her perspective. People do leave threads when they don't like what they're hearing, but no-one likes what they're hearing when what that is is "we don't believe you".

Sigh. OP is requesting a thread deletion? I understand why women in these situations so often get threads deleted but it's so frustrating and dispiriting.

OP - what do you mean when you say the lack of intimacy is affecting your DH's "mental health". It's only been 8 weeks since you gave birth !!!

Of course things will get better. Intimacy should not only equate to an orgasm - particularly weeks after a baby! I've had 4 DC. My DH has a high sex drive and we've always been very connected in that way, but it was fairly obvious to him that I was exhausted and adjusting to each new baby, so he was happy with just cuddles or whatever I had the energy for until I was ready.

Relax and enjoys your baby. In the nicest possible way, your DH needs to man up and stop putting undue pressure on you.

eat you are right of course. The 'lone voice' is often the voice of sanity when the pack mentality takes hold.

I am often the lone voice on Relationship threads which is why I rarely post here any more. So I fully understand where you are coming from.

However.................although I'd be the first to say that all relationships are finely nuanced and a few paragraphs on a forum cannot show it them in their entirety, I think there is enough evidence in the OP's first post to give a very clear view of what has happened.

Her Dh clearly has issues including his own childhood and his father, his feelings over the MC and now his neediness and behaviour over sex.

The fact that the OP came along to post on a forum shows she knows something is wrong. I can understand she is upset- who wants the rug pulled from under their feet 8 weeks after giving birth. She wants this to be a happy time for them all. But if you read everything she has said- I'm beginning to think they nay-sayers haven't - then there is an issue.

Another thread from a woman married to a sexually coercive husband who wants only to hear how to keep him happy. And then wants it deleted when people point out how wrong such behaviour is.

Spot on, Polly.

I could at earlier points in my life have been the "I just want solutions" poster, in good faith: I suffered from vaginismus - but the thing was I enjoyed non-penetrative sex, knew most of my friends got the same level of enjoyment from PIV, and wanted help solving what I felt was a problem for me. And had I posted on a forum like this, I would have framed my post that way, stressing that it was for me, not for my partner.

Likewise, after childbirth, my libido disappeared for years - and it bothered me (to use one of my mother's phrases, "I felt like I was dead from the neck down" - and I didn't like feeling that way, I felt like something important was missing from my life).

But none of the OP's posts are giving me this impression - it seems to be all about placating/pleasing her husband, while being in pain and still recovering from a difficult birth and C section. And he is being an arse - giving her the silent treatment because he's not getting his "needs" met.

We had to wait 6 months due to 2 kids who go sleep and being sore down there and yes DH had been a little moody 4+ months but. 8 weeks? Plus DH would never behave like a spooky child being jealous of his own child. Just what?

He needs to wait. It's lovely he wants you to enjoy yourself but he has to realise that's not what you want or need right now.

Be polite but honest. If he still has a problem then you have 2 children.

I'd tell him to not let his ass hit the door on the way out.

If you want to have sex 8 weeks after, then crack on, that's your choice, and thats just as ok as women who might not feel ready for many months. But you're not a machine, and if it hurts, stop, and he can't expect it to be just like it was, straight away.

I think its difficult if a relationship has always had sex very high its priority list, to rejig that when a baby comes along, but I think thats what he needs to do. Of course he may want (and you may want) your sex life back, but these things are going to take time. He needs to stop acting like a child, getting the huff.

If you're interested in my posting history (and of course you are), you can look back and see I'm sympathetic to high drive partners who aren't getting any. I do understand that being constantly without sex can be hurtful and upsetting and kill off feelings.

But in this case, the woman is bloody 8 weeks post c section. She's just been through miscarriage, a difficult and complicated pregn, a horrible labour and emergency section, she has a newborn, her stitches will barely have dissolved, and her husband is bitching and whinging because she can't come? Not that she's refusing sex, she just can't come at the moment? If he cared about her, he would be listening when she explains that she just can't at the moment, she's in deep recovery. But her orgasm isn't about her, it's about him. He isn't worrying about pleasing her, he's angry that she can't please him, 8 weeks post section!

And to cap it all, he's expecting her to make up for his father's failings. Not taking action to avoid repeating history himself, just attempting to bully her into making it her responsibility.

The OP's first sentence states that this is damaging her marriage (duh!) and yet when everyone agrees he's being a turd and she's got every right to be upset and reclaim her sexuality in her own time, there's still a couple of people excusing him and of course, the request for the thread to go down the memory holes. It's not OP's fault, obviously, but this kind of thing just really makes me despair.

And poooof. The thread was gone.

I find this very worrying.

A woman comes on and posts something and when when told that this is not normal she just goes : "La La La, oh ok"

this woman is either on a different planet, or not quite there mentally, or a troll, or just a bit dim and being taken advantage of, or I don't know, but there is something just not right about this thread.

And poooof. The thread was gone.

I find this very worrying.

A woman comes on and posts something and when when told that this is not normal she just goes : "La La La, oh ok"

this woman is either on a different planet, or not quite there mentally, or a troll, or just a bit dim and being taken advantage of, or I don't know, but there is something just not right about this thread.

It makes me dispair too but it's no good frightening the op off by being too direct. It's not what she wants to hear so of course she'll go scuttling off. Surely we can get the same message across but in a gentler way, so she comes to the realisation herself.

Oblomov, it is clear from the OP's posts that she is intelligent, lucid and sane. She MIGHT be depressed, which would not be at all surprising in her situation, and she is vulnerable. It's completely understandable that what people are saying is a lot to take in with everything she's dealing with now (though I wish she'd think on a bit when she's able to, rather than trying to destroy all evidence that it's been said). I wish she wouldn't, but accusing her of being dim or nuts isn't helpful!

Shake, her first response after the Op, struck me as very odd considering the responses she'd had.
And then her second response, after similar responses seemed odd to me.

It was like she was in denial. Not once did she say: goodness I am surprised, I never expected nearly all of you to respond in exactly the same way.

Not once did she ever sound like she was taking anything on board. At all.

this woman is either on a different planet, or not quite there mentally, or a troll, or just a bit dim and being taken advantage of, or I don't know, but there is something just not right about this thread.

This is an extremely offensive statement. In fact reducing women everywhere to inadvertent abuse-victims who "just haven't realised yet" is infantilising and degrading too. Not saying this thread is a prime example of that (I appreciate most are just trying to support the OP in recognising what they believe to be abusive behaviour which is admirable), just that the above comment is dangerously close.

Oblomov, no she's not taking it on board, she wants to destroy all evidence of it being said, and that's frustrating and depressing, yes. But it doesn't mean she's insane or stupid!

OP I hope you're ok.

8 weeks after birth you're still recovering.

Your dh - What makes him an amazing husband?

OP I d o hope you are reading even if you are hurt by the posts.

IMO your DH ought to have some counselling. Maybe when it's the right moment you can discuss this together?

Reading your post it's clear he has issues with:
-his own childhood- being rejected by his dad and made to feel he came between his parents (if this is the truth and not a blackmailing ruse aimed at you)
-the miscarriages
-the anger and misplaced beliefs that showing you love = giving you orgasms when HE thinks you should have them.

All of these IMO = a man with unresolved anger issues.

The patterns of our own childhood are often repeated with the next generation. You are seeing it now. I suspect there have been other huffy /anger/ control issues before now.

Your DH needs professional help to sort out his emotions before they impact on you and your DC. Perhaps you can talk to him on this?

It says so much that you've been through a situation that should mean loads of TLC from your partner, yet you're only concerned about his bruised ego. You have one child, you don't need two. You'll see that eventually.

I remember the stage you are at very well indeed, OP. Especially after DD1 (my first) was born.

I had had a very traumatic birth, although not a c-section. I had had a large episiotomy and still tore very badly. Stitches took months to heal so I just wasn't up for anything.

I was struggling with my baby, with sleep deprivation and with PND. It was a very very hard time. Additionally, I also took it into my hormone addled head to feel guilty about my DH, although he didn't put me under any pressure at all to resume things. He didn't have to. I did that all to myself.

I look back now and realise that I wasn't functioning well or thinking straight. It was myself I was putting under way too much pressure.

I wonder if that is what you meant to say, although it has come across as him also pressuring you. I hope he isn't, though I don't like the sound of his petulant behaviour with the silent treatment.

Petulance like that is childish and immature. I would certainly pull him up on it. Sharply.

OP, I hope you are still reading this and have managed to have a conversation with your DH.

Yes he wants a sexual relationship with you but you need to want it (physically and mentally too). Take it slow and don't expect too much of yourself.

My libido isn't back at 9 months, and DH is a bit put out by it, but understands and has let me take it at my pace, I find it frustrating though as I want to want sex iyswim.

I also wanted to say that when we have had sex since it has been less painful I noticed things have moved around down there and I can't orgasm as easily as I could pre DS. Which is also a bit crap!

Hey sugarandspice123, You know your own husband, and you have a good relationship, of course you both care about the sexual side of things, take things really easy, maybe just massages would be nicer, I know he's gotten a little over anxious about you orgasm. That's no problem, It's very early days, tell him to chill, enjoy your baby, take it slowly. Nobody has the right to call your husband names or dictate to you when you have sex after having a baby. Some women on here seem to come across as anti men and anti sex, and want relationships on their own terms. Not particularly helpful when your sat at home with a problem. There are no rules on your journey, your a grown woman, if your not in the mood, say so. He will understand. Good luck.

Your dh - What makes him an amazing husband?

From reading the OP it can be interpreted that his clinginess is part of that (interpreted as attentive) and the fact he's so focused on getting her to orgasm (though in reality he wants her to orgasm so that he can feel he's an amazing man, and not a failure - I'd interpret that because he's angry at her for her not orgasming - she's the failure here, not him).

What a prick!

"if your not in the mood, say so. He will understand."

Where do you get that from the OP leave?