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Original poster

DH wants me to orgasm

258 replies

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:10

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better Sad

OP posts:
crayfish · 04/10/2016 07:32

8 weeks?! Tell him to get lost. His 'mental health?!! And not saying goodbye because you didn't orgasm?! He sounds like an arse.

I wasn't really up for sex until three months or so after birth and even then, it was difficult and sore (episiotomy here) and I felt quite upset and disappointed. I took about nine months to really get back on track and to start enjoying it again. DH was nothing but lovely the whole time and we took things at my pace. You really need to give your DH a reality check, some women take months and months to feel ready after birth and he needs to stop being clingy and resentful and grow the fuck up.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 07:32

No I had a section and didn't find it painful, but then we waited until I was feeling well enough recovered. About the time I could get out of bath without feeling the pulling sensation around scar.

Naicehamshop · 04/10/2016 07:33

Sorry op but... "he hasn't got any friends"????

Giant red flag. Hmm

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/10/2016 07:34

I found it painful when we attempted sex about 4 months after DC was born
We stopped. Because that's what you do in a loving, caring relationship and to be perfectly honest I would have zero respect for someone who was happy to have sex with a person who didn't want it and found it painful

JaneA1 · 04/10/2016 07:34

I think he is being awfully insecure for some reason, which you should discuss with him. You are adult people, he should be able to understand that it doesn't work like that: more time is definitely needed! In what world of his is orgasming the only way to know that he is being a good parent/husband???

Cguk81 · 04/10/2016 07:35

8 weeks post partum? Tell him if he wants to send you into a state of contented bliss then to bring you a heap of chocolate and let you sleep for 6 hours, not fiddle with your bits!

worrierandwine · 04/10/2016 07:36

What other have said with bells on!! We're 5 months PP today and we still haven't had full intercourse because it's too painful, I have a 5 month old babe to feed, am exhausted and sex is the last thing on my mind. DH does crave the sex and intimacy but would never (intentionally) make me feel guilty about it. It's hard on men sometimes especially the first time around because they can feel pushed out but I'm afraid that's how it is. You can't split yourself 3 ways and your main priorities need to be your own health and the baby's- his job is to support...not whine! This is putting too much pressure on you when you're at a delicate stage as it is, please tell him you need taking care of and this time will pass. You could use this as your opportunity to get him used to the fact you won't be at his beck and call anymore. It's a transition period for all of you. Does he really want his child to feel the way he feels about his own father? If not, he needs to man up a bit I'm afraid. Good luck OP, this is your time to be a bit selfish as first newborn is bloody hard work Flowersyou sound much more understanding than me BTW!

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2016 07:36

This is a horribly selfish man. Eight weeks after a major operation he is pestering you to orgasm and treating you horribly when you can't?! WTAF?!

Cabrinha · 04/10/2016 07:38

It might come from a "place of love" that he wants you both to have an intimate relationship.

It does not come from a place of love that he punished you by not saying goodbye because you didn't come FOR HIS EGO like a ficking performing seal.

You know those dog shaming memes on Facebook "I ate my owner's tea" type stuff? Christ I want him to go to a therapist with a photo of himself wearing a sign "I treated my wife like shit for not having an orgasm 8 weeks after a major operation and 8 weeks into parenthood".

I honestly would tell him, you pull that shit again, ever and you are dumped. Seriously. Not saying goodbye? What a cunt he is. Angry

He either needs to enjoy rediscovering sex - when you're ready. Or he needs to see a therapist to work out his frustrations or fears about his parents' marriage affecting his own.

You're not a bloody sex toy Angry

Original poster
Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:38

Chocolate sounds wonderful lol! Thanks everyone, my friends don't have kids so I don't have any experience either! I really don't think he means to upset or hurt me, but sounds like we need to have a talk so he knows I need a bit more time, and that is totally normal

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 04/10/2016 07:38

It sounds to me like he is heavily invested in sex as something that bolsters his identity, rather than something that you do as a couple and that is pleasurably but that doesn't totally define you or your relationship. It sounds rather teenage as an attitude to be honest.

You say that you want to feel "normal" by having sex. I hope the number of women who are flocking to tell you that they didn't want it 8 weeks after a section is reassuring, and makes you realise that you can take your time with this. For any man to pressure you, at this point, is unfair.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2016 07:43

8 weeks post partum? Is he insane?

Wellywife · 04/10/2016 07:43

If DH had come anywhere near me other than with drinks and snacks 8 weeks after giving birth I'd have been after him with a cricket bat!

It's hard but things are different now and your DH will have to get used to not being the centre of your world anymore.

gratesnakes · 04/10/2016 07:43

I am with Naicehamshop in thinking the most worrying thing about your DH is he has no friends. So he is used to getting ALL his emotional/social/friendship/self-esteem needs met by just you alone. No wonder he is knocked sideways by the arrival of a child.

McBassyPants · 04/10/2016 07:43

He needs to grow up a bit a lot he's behaving like a child

HapShawl · 04/10/2016 07:45

"DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again."

You do both realise that if that is the reason for his poor relationship with his father, then his father is a massive twat, don't you? And it's not an excuse for your H to pressurise you into sex. if he doesn't want a similar relationship with his own son, then he needs not to abuse the mother of his child

redannie118 · 04/10/2016 07:45

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 04/10/2016 07:46

He is pressurising you to perform and getting angry with you, that's not amazing. I get so fed up when absolute morons get called amazing dads and partners. Tell him to back off and stop being clingy, he needs to support you and his child.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 04/10/2016 07:46

OP it sounds like you two are in a narrow tunnel where all the focus is on sex and orgasm, and you can't see outside of that.

Throw the windows open! Tell him what would really make you feel loved and therefore make him a great DH now - it's changed now you are a new mum! Foot rubs, food and drinks, cleaning, shopping, a hot bath run for you, uninterrupted sleep for a few hours, whatever! Guide him to where you need and want him to be.

But for goodness sake, don't feel you have to perform for him! That's all kinds of wrong Flowers

redannie118 · 04/10/2016 07:47

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

SlinkyVagabond · 04/10/2016 07:48

Tell him to come here, post on dadsnet or in chat asking "Why won't my wife orgasm 8 weeks pp and a c section? It's affecting my mental health!" And see how he likes having his arse handed to him. Fuckwit. It's all about him. Place of love my arse.
Op, did you actually want to have sex last night? Or were you guilt tripped into it? All I wanted to do was sleep, have a shower in peace and be able to bend over 8 weeks pp. sex didn't make its appearance for months-no wingeing from dh.

WhisperingLoudly · 04/10/2016 07:51

It doesn't matter whether you're eight days or eight months postpartum, timing is utterly irrelevant: you don't want to have sex and he is coercing you in the most unpleasant way.

He's a creep.

Fluffsnuts · 04/10/2016 07:53

Yes, sex is very painful. It's only now, 8months after DS was born and 8 weeks in to physio that it is improving.

Your DH needs to understand that you have been through a mental and physical trauma and sex is not your highest priority at the moment!

FannyFifer · 04/10/2016 07:53

Bloody hell, this is really not a normal loving relationship.
It was months & months after giving birth that we finally had sex, DP never mentioned it or pressurised me once, not once.
Are you very young OP?

Shakey15000 · 04/10/2016 07:54

You are completely missing that he bought more than one flag at the flag shop. This is NOT coming from a place of love.

8weeks is WAY too soon. Him persuading you that it's for you translates into him wanting his jollies without thought for you.