DH wants me to orgasm

[Sugarandspice123]

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better

Having read the thread I think OP wrote the thread with a genuine concern over how her DH was treating her. I also think she loves her DH very much and is daunted at the prospect of rocking the relationship especially at a time with their new much wanted baby arriving on the scene. I can understand both of the above. I have a dear friend who suffered all of her exs bad behaviour because she wanted to create a family for her daughters, she was scared of objecting to anything he said or did that was wrong (like the time he went to Amserdam and brought her back crabs...) She told me she was consumed with wanting the perfect happily ever after and only when he had an affair and left did she see him for what he was. Now Ops DH isnt at that end of the scale, he is selfish and immature and a little controlling but I can understand the Op wanting to make the relationship work with such a young baby in tow, her love for him shines through when she is defending him so much

Jessica, you and your comment are indeed inflammatory on fire.

Op...don't get this thread deleated...it could help other women in similar shoes....but do print of the whole lot of replies and show them yr husband.99% of people can't all be wrong..can they?

His priority are his needs and he's prepared to badger you until his need of him being the performance king are met. He's made your orgasm all about him, that's not from a place of love that from a place of selfishness.

You've given birth and had major abdominal surgery, it takes time and you rushing recovery to placate a man who can not appreciate the huge physical, emotional and hormonal change that your body has just undergone is a sign of a unbalanced relationship.

It was post birth that the things that I had previously tolerated in my relationship with Ex, no longer seem

8 weeks? Blimey, talk about pressure, poor you, surely he understands the physical toll childbirth will have had. And tbh he just needs to consider you at all.

And he's angry at what you have all been through - wtf does this actually mean, you both had a long awaited and very much wanted child, granted, you didn't have an easy time of it. He clearly has no interest in what pregnancy and child birth can do to a woman and a C section to boot, utterly selfish.

This is such a sad thread in so many levels.

If you want to get a message across then possibly the gently gently approach is far better than hitting someone with a sledge hammer.

The oh needs a good old fashioned talking to and severe guidance on how and where and what he is doing wrong.

I hope ops OK after this bashing....

Don't print out this thread and show him. Stupid thoughtless advice as you could well end up needing somewhere private to go if you realise he is a dick.

Ivykaty, I agree.

A new mum who just gave birth 8 weeks ago came for advice on how to get back on an even keel with the DH she loves and has instead had him called a prick, a dick, a cunt and an arse.

In my post I said I remembered feeling guilty about all things baby and also about DH, with no real need. He didn't apply the pressure. I applied it to myself.

I may be wrong, but I think in one of her posts the OP said she instigated it?? That is what made me think she felt as I did.

I grant that his petulant going out without saying goodbye is poor behaviour and he needs sharply pulled up on that, but we don't know him from a few posts on here so we don't know if it is typical or not. OP knows him best.

The baby is just 8 weeks old. Perhaps both parents are sleep deprived and behaving out of character because of it. I know I was capable of saying and doing some awful stuff when I was in that state.

I hope she can come back and read some of the more thoughtful posts.

OP - Your husband does not understand that everything and everyone have their own time; it's a process and may well take you 9 months to get back to wanting sex. But if he continues in this vein you will inevitably unconsciously store grievances towards your husband for coercive behaviour and for being a dolt. And when you resume relations, you may well not orgasm because you are so angry with him.

There is no excuse, because there is plenty of information about resuming sex after major surgery and after giving birth.

And he's angry at what you have all been through - wtf does this actually mean, you both had a long awaited and very much wanted child, granted, you didn't have an easy time of it

Oh okay, they have a much wanted child so have absolutely zero right to be angry, sad or frustrated about the miscarriage and terrifying emergency situation which could have resulted in the stillbirth of their baby. It's been a whole 8 weeks, they have their baby, get over it already! ...said no-one, ever.

Pregnancy and childbirth such as the OPs take an undoubted toll on a woman, but they take their toll on a man too, and on a relationship. The impacts are different but none can be written off out of hand as not valid. Perhaps this guy's too wrapped up in his feelings (angry that he couldn't protect his wife and child from the nature of the birth perhaps) and is il-considering his wife's at this time; and yes, I believe hers are more deserving. Could he actually just want to make her orgasm so at least there is something he can do for her?? (*disclaimer, not saying that's the right approach AT ALL, this is a genuine question.)

I've popped back after being tipped off I had some more support here. Thank you eatsleep, he is very upset he hasn't been able to protect me more and wants to love me. But he's going about it the wrong way, and I'm not sure how to tell him that without upsetting him. The events of the last year have been really tough on us both, I just want us all to be happy.

Oh God. When my DS was 8 weeks I hadn't slept for 8 weeks. I'd have happily murdered a man who wanted to DTD.

We are told not to drive for 6 weeks after a c-section and he wants sex after 8 weeks?!
Look in to what happens to your body after a c-section. It is not classed as a minor operation.
Having sex after only 8 weeks is not allowing your body to heal properly, and could result in the healing process to take a lot longer.
There is absolutely no wonder you found it very painful.
Look in to it and both you and your DH need to stop being so naive (meant in the kindest possible way).

Op have you actually told your oh that sex is painful at the moment? Maybe you haven't - I don't know? But you need to let him know that it's painful and you need to wait. Let him know what you need now is plenty of support and spell it out to him what support you need and how he can give you what you need.

So often lack if communication is key.

Tell him you want cuddles, cups of tea, time with all three if you as a new family - if that's what you need? Everyone is different in the support they need and crave for.

Tell him they live making will come later when you are ready and the more support you get now the better you will be as you wont push him away.

Hope you get through to him and I hope he listens.

Sounds like my ex.
Got incredibly stroppy when he couldn't make me orgasm and stropped off out the house once once when I wouldn't give him a blow job with enough enthusiasm.
Funnily enough his relationship with his father was strained and he was scared he was turning into his father....he was all 'me, me, me,' too.
No friends either.
Last I heard he was looking into a good psychiatrist.

If his concern were OP's pleasure and wellbeing, he wouldn't get in a snit and punish her because she can't come, and he'd listen when she explains she's been through the wringer and can't do it yet. He might babble on about wanting to protect her but his actions say his only concern is himself. His sulks aren't for his family's benefit. If he can't see why OP can't come these days, he really truly does think that everything is all about him.

It's not OP's responsibility to baby the silly man so that he doesn't turn into his father. It's his responsibility to assess and control his own bloody actions.

OP.

It isn't fair to say that you were tipped off because you got more support.

What you mean is that you someone has written something you might be happy to read.

Every one here is supporting you. Sometimes it might not want to be what you want to hear.

Your husband is acting like a pig. You are worrying about his mental health because he can't get his 8 week PP wife to orgasm? Think about that properly.

He is emotionally blackmailing you. You are feeling pressure. He didn't say goodbye to you because you couldn't orgasm.

Some women will make excuses for your husband. Some women will make loads of excuses for men in general. It doesn't mean you should listen to them.

I understand that right now you don't want to see your husband in a bad light, you can't face it. Fair enough. We will be here when you can if you need us. Abusive men often become abusive, or up their game when a child is born and you are in a more vulnerable position. Please be careful.

I'm really sorry OP, but I do know a woman (very well, she has confided in me for years) who was subjected to years of coercion and control by her husband.

He was obsessed with her orgasming too. It really can be a form of control by men - I don't understand it myself, and it's not my story - but I'm thinking along the lines of the ego-massage for him, and the control over her body.

It's not closeness or love that demands that you orgasm (or he'll have a strop with you.) There are so many ways to be close and loving to your 8wks PP wife that don't involve her submitting and responding sexually to him.

He, and you, really need to give your body time to heal. It's a body, not a machine. And it's been through a lot.

Op, people have been very blunt and direct with you. As a pp said, they are being supportive but perhaps should have tried to be a bit gentler. I think everyones concerns are valid. Maybe we are wrong but please don't dismiss them out of hand. Keep them in mind as you watch and listen from now on.

You may find that you might notice things now that you wouldn't have before this thread. ~Listen to any niggling doubts. Analyse them, assess them in the context of your relationship. Dismiss them if you have to, but remember all the little things and you might find they start adding up into a bigger picture that eventually will be harder to ignore.

Just keep an open mind op and be aware. Good luck with the communicating more. Hopefully that is all that is needed but now you have been given other insights into a controlling relationship, watch out for other signs.

Op "support" isn't only the comments that fit into the view that is easiest for you to sustain.

OP- can only agree with the other recent posts.

When you say you had some 'support' you mean posters agreeing that your DH is not doing anything wrong? That's what I think you mean.

The anger in many posts was not aimed at YOU but at the situation. People were shocked at how you were being treated. Quite rightly.

I wish you could see the overall picture of your DH as described here by you: anger and guilt over his own father /upbringing, unrealistic expectations of you and sex at the moment, controlling behaviour by forcing you to have sex when you are in pain, seeing your orgasms as some kind of validation of his love for you- even though you don't feel sexual at the moment.

I'm shocked you can't see these are all BIG issues which need -probably- professional help so he can sort his head out.

If you continue to put your fingers in your ears and refuse to listen to the overwhelming good advice here, then my opinion is these issues will continue to plague your marriage in various guises over years to come.

We all know you 'want to be happy' but that doesn't mean acting like a doormat when a man is controlling.

But he's going about it the wrong way, and I'm not sure how to tell him that without upsetting him.

Because 'upsetting him' terrifies you? Because he will sulk or have a tantrum? Because you are ok about being bullied into sex but you can't speak about how you feel?

You need support yourself either through counselling or whatever, to help you become more able to express your needs.

I agree that it is rather worrying that the op can't tell her dp how she feels.
Why will he be upset? It isn't anything a genuinely nice man should be upset about if he cares about his partners wellbeing.
Why are you so afraid to upset him anyway? Every normal relationship has areas where there are differing opinions. It is usual to talk about these and come to a resolution. It is not normally the case where it is the same person always backing down and giving in, and it definitely isn't normal for someone never to voice an opinion because they are afraid of upsetting them - be that a big or small issue.

Oh op. The strengths of people's reactions just demonstrate that on this issue there is no reason under the sun that gives him a right to be upset. If you can't talk to him for fear of upsetting him, then you really do need to look at your relationship and explore why you are happy to be treated like this.

Bite the bullet and talk to him. If he responds reasonably then you are underestimating him and just need help with communicating. If he doesn't respond well when you explicitly tell him that it's painful and you need to wait, and that support to you means understanding and practical support, then sorry but he's not a loving, caring person that has your best interests at heart.