DH wants me to orgasm

[Sugarandspice123]

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better

"Ummm, unless she actually wants to have sex - even though it hurts - because, you know, any reason she damn well wants? And she is in fact looking for "advice or just reassurance that it gets better" (as per the OP)?"

But I got the impression that she only wants to keep having sex because she thinks she has to or her husband will reject her/her marriage will be affected? She has said she doesn't have any "urges", that it hurts, that she doesn't like it. I mean, obviously, people are entirely within their rights to choose to have joyless, painful, desire-free sex just to gratify their husbands, but I'm not sure we should be hailing it as a triumph of women's bodily autonomy.

And yes, obviously it will get better (several years in and my libido is probably higher than it was pre-children), but the way for it to get better is to wait until your body wants to do it again, not to just keep on doing it when it feels awful and hoping it'll improve. I can think of nothing more likely to stop your libido coming back, in fact.

I do think you're interpreting it through your own experiences/feelings eat. I also sometimes struggle when my sex drive is low or during times when I haven't felt sexy, because I want to be intimate with my husband, he has never pressured me. But not once has OP said "I really miss sex" or anything of the sort. It's all about the pressure her DH is putting on her, the way he is treating her for not "performing", and her fears about it affecting their relationship and his relationship with the baby.

If don't know if the OP is still reading this, but I hope she really asks herself whether she actually wants to be having sex, or she just wants her husband to stop pressuring her.

Is it not possible that either position might be right?

It might be absolutely right what Polly says at 11.31, but it might also be absolutely right what right what Eatsleep has said at 11.34.

If OP is being forced into sex against her physical and mental choice then of course that is terrible and shouldn't be minimised.
But it has been said so many times on this thread in slightly different words that I didn't feel the need to repeat it.

But after the OPs follow up posts I tried to scratch a little below the surface, as I think EatSleep has done too, and consider the possibility (and we might be wrong) that there is more going on for the OP than simply not wanting something that her husband does. In the months after my DS was born I remember being a mess of confusion and tears and leaky boobs and feeling fat and wanting my career back and wanting to feel normal again and wanting to have sex normally again and wanting to wear jeans again and wanting to feel like a wife again etc etc etc - this was all going on in my head and had nothing to do with any pressure from my DH (who was doing the best he could when frankly I was pretty batshit crazy).

As Polly said, we should be focusing on the OP experiences here not our own. But I'm not entirely sure that the OP has described what she wanted to to get the actual support she needs.

I also don't see anything wrong with making tentative steps back towards a physical relationship soon after childbirth even if it might be scary and painful. Many men and women do, and I know women that have wanted to try within 4 - 6 weeks of childbirth, didn't find it comfortable, but wanted to push it for their own peace of mind. I wouldn't judge them, just as I wouldn't judge anyone that didn't want to do anything for a year after a baby. It's your relationship and your choice.

It would be good if a few different angles of support could be posted on MN without the minority being torn into a million pieces.

We will still be here when you've stopped making excuses for him & start to realise he's a controlling arse.

8 weeks after major surgery is nothing. Not to mention several months if your body growing a baby.

He went to work without saying good bye because you didnt have an orgasm. Seriously think about that. That's not love, that's control.

" I also sometimes struggle when my sex drive is low or during times when I haven't felt sexy, because I want to be intimate with my husband, he has never pressured me. But not once has OP said "I really miss sex" or anything of the sort. It's all about the pressure her DH is putting on her, the way he is treating her for not "performing", and her fears about it affecting their relationship and his relationship with the baby."

Exactly. My own libido took a loooong time to come back after babies and I clearly remember feeling like an important part of my identity was missing until it did, and the joy when real desire came back. But I'm not hearing any "I miss enjoying/wanting sex" or "I miss my sexual self" or "I miss being intimate with my husband" from the OP, all I'm hearing is about his expectations, what he wants, how it's making him feel, how can she make herself want sex to please him.

LHR and while you were being batshit crazy did your DH pressure you to orgasm? Did he walk out of the house without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years because you didn't orgasm?

I'm sure I am alpha, I'm sure I'm using my own experiences and those of the people I'm close to to frame my understanding and response. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's doing that. In fact when there are only a few lines of text to go on it's not unheard of that two people could read those entirely differently based on their own experiences - so varied is the world. Unfortunately unlike in rl we don't get the opportunity of sitting down in the corner of the pub and gently asking questions of the OP to better ascertain the situation; sometimes one interpretation comes along (from a poster's own experience, no doubt) that becomes the only acceptable interpretation. No matter that the OP disagrees.

No he didn't Ginger, and I'm not excusing it if it was as simple as that. But I could imagine a situation whereby a new mother could try to re-engage physically (for whatever reason, but her choice), and then it going a bit wrong because they aren't connected the way they used to be, bodies feel different, he isn't feeling the same, she isn't responding the same etc etc. And a sad mood descending, it just wasn't working for either of them....then he has to go to work, and he feels bad about the whole situation - so sort of skulks off because he can't fix it.

As I say - I might be wrong! I know no more than any of you guys, but I could imagine it happening and not being because of anything sinister in his character. Just a bit of a cock up all round (excuse the pun).

It is not unheard of for a man to associate sex and orgasming with being close and reconnected. Less likely for a woman to feel this way.

I think the op has to look at the rest of her relationship carefully. It may be that everything has been all lovey dovey and harmonious until now because she has always done everything to please her husband. If this is the first time that she has "challenged" him or had different "ideas" to him, then this may be him showing his true colours for the first time. Op, think carefully about the past. Have you got your own way in anything or do you just go along with what he wants but so far you have been happy to do it because you are not "bothered"?

Ok so this is a first issue. You do need to talk about it and how it makes you feel. If he is receptive to that then fine, problem solved, you just need to communicate better with each other. If not then you have a relationship problem bigger than you are letting yourself believe.

Also keep your eyes open as to who is making all other decisions. Start by challenging him on a couple of minor issues (even if you don't really care one way or another) - see what his reaction is. Then build up to challenging him on a more major issue. If he passes these "tests" with flying colours, then you do indeed have the loveng husband you think you do. If not take heed and post on relationships for advice.

Don't bury your head in the sand. Truths are often hard to swallow. Now that everybody has opened your eyes to what could be happening, check that they are wrong. I really hope everyone is wrong and he will be supportive and a good man when you talk to him.

Does your DH know that libido can completely disappear after birth for a lot of women, for weeks, months or even years depending on any birth injuries/child sleep patterns? That you are happy to have a cuddle that is just that (not a prelude to sex) but sex is still painful and he has to follow your lead? Your sexual desire will come back but he needs to follow your brain and bodies timetable not a made up timetable in his head. Tell him you love him but it's still very soon after birth. Oh, and I believe there's some research that show the more housework men do the more their wives want to have sex with them.

I think the desire to have sex again only really came back for me about the same time as the desire to exercise regularly again and way after my desire to wear nice clothes again or go back to work. Obviously everyone is different but I think there's a lot of pressure to get back into the sack when really it's not appropriate, especially if you are BFing which I found killed my desire dead.

LH I suggest you read the first paragraph of the OP's post again.

I'm sorry but you don't seem to 'get it'. At all.

You are making wishy washy statements about maybe I'm right (me - Polly) or maybe X poster is right depending on how we read the post.

I disagree with you. The language is clear. The point made is clear. The only mis-interpretation is on your part and I'd go as far as to say you have possibly made the OP feel it's all ok to be treated like this - which is of course music to her ears as no one like to believe their DH is a selfish twat when they are tired and 8 weeks post CS.

OMG, what an arsehole, 8 weeks and he goes off in huff cos you not having an organism has affected his mental well being, what a load of shite, he's a self obsessed wanker who thinks he's entitled to sex of you, he's not interested in your well being at all, wake up OP, this is not normal.

With all due respect Polly I disagree. I think LH has been pretty magnanimous in their statements, but if you insist only your interpretation is correct what can anyone say? FWIW I think you're wrong.

I'd go so far as to say your refusal to try and understand why the OP has felt the need to leave the thread when all she wanted was support has meant she is now unreachable to anyone on here, regardless of the truth of the situation. So what have we achieved? If there were some underlying cause for concern that could have been uncovered through enquiry and investigation, then perhaps the OP could have come to some realisation by herself, that now will not happen. And if there is not some cause for concern? If the OP wanted to shut down that line of enquiry to focus on what she actually wanted advice on... only to be told "we don't believe you, we're not prepared to let this go, we know what's going on better than you".... however was she to get the advice she was looking for? What a resounding success this has been.

Ok Polly - maybe I don't "get it. At all". If not getting it means that I don't see the first paragraph as a definite reflection of the OP being coerced into sex, then I am ok with not getting the point that you are getting.

I am happy to 'get' that she may be giving him mixed messages about her urges (because she is a loving wife and wants to make her loving husband happy), and then realises she isn't ready and isn't into it as she used to be, and doesn't want to fake it as their relationship is based on openness and honesty. So they both feel awkward and disconnected.

That is what I have decided to get, but that you have decided to get something different and declare her DH a selfish twat. My being in the minority does not persuade me in the slightest.

because she is a loving wife and wants to make her loving husband happy

Meaning sex on tap, obviously.

The 1950s called btw, they want their gender roles back.

I feel very sad reading your posts OP.

If your husband had just gone through a major trauma and was still healing from the resulting abdominal surgery, and when you had sex with him he was uncomfortable, not enjoying it and in pain, and therefore couldn't ejaculate, would you keep pushing it? Then go off in a sulk?

No.

He is being a man-child.

Your poor husband, hes only given birth 8 weeks ago and now this.... Oh yes, thats right, It was you who pushed a baby out of there! I didnt have sex way, way after this - you are not just a pleasure hole for your husband. Honestly id tell him to piss off until youre ready and if he doesnt like it tough shit. It really is your right to wait, not his right to sex!

FFS, I am sure he can use his hand for a few weeks, she's only given birth to his child - can't a man put his sexual desire on hold out of pure respect and love for his partner!

This crap about the man needing love is just bullshit, it's just basic selfishness, nobody is going to human combust if they don't get a shag.

LH - you're missing the point.

The DH is punishing his wife for not having an orgasm.

If you want to give the OP advice about pelvic floor exercises, or various ways for her to get her libido back (other than time of course) then fill your boots.

But you're having a conversation about yourself, not the OP. Which clearly states he walked out to work without saying goodbye, and that this was because she hadn't graced him with an orgasm.

In all your wordy posts you are not acknowledging this - preferring to concentrate on your 'lay back and think of England to keep the husband happy' concept of post-partum sex life.

You could all be right. We don't know enough about the rest of their relationship. But eatsleep is right in that with more gentle probing we could have got to the truth.
I've got to admit that it doesn't look good based on the op, but she could be putting the pressure on herself. He might be horrified if he realises that she feels pressurised. Or he might just be a selfish twat.

We need to know more about previous decision making to find out if he is controlling and abusive. If he has never been thwarted before because she has been submissive so far, then this might be the beginning of him showing his true colours. Or LH might be right and she is putting the pressure on herself to make him happy. We just don't know.

Acard that is really silly. I am 100% the opposite of 50s gender roles. I would just as easily reverse those words to "...because he is a loving husband and wants to make his loving wife happy." There is nothing 1950s about either half of a marriage trying to make the other happy. Nowhere in my posts have I implied OP should be doing anything just to make him happy if there is nothing in it for her too.

You can't make assumtions on the whole relationship based on one incident of him walking out. It was once and he might have a completely different take on it. He might not, but it was once. We've got to have more information before we condemn it completely. Having said that, it doesn't look good.

The op needs to look at who makes the decisions generally and his reactions if he doesn't get his own way. Personally I don't think she's ever gone against him yet and I think it will get worse over time. But we do need an open mind and the op does need to challenge him and "test"his reactions to see if this is a one off they can get over with decent communication, or to see if this is indicative of a much bigger relationship issue.

eat you ought to know that people 'leave' threads often because they don't like what they are hearing.

Just because the OP is no longer posting does not mean she is no longer reading.

I also think you insult our intelligence by suggesting the OP's problems are complex and we are not digging deeply enough.

Yes, relationships are complex, but working with what's been posted I don't think that 99% of posters have missed something.

Bellend. Sorry, but that's about the only word that accurately describes him. His mental health is being damaged by not having sex?!?! What a load of old tosh!!

I didnt realise the op had a c section. Thats even more unsettling