DH wants me to orgasm

[Sugarandspice123]

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better

Pretty horrifying thread tbh. Open your eyes OP, stop minimising this mans behaviour. He may be very nice in other ways, but what you've just described is awful. I can't believe that you can't see what's wrong with it :(

The first sentence of her post says 'I feel under pressure and my marriage is suffering'

She wasn't looking for tips on how to ease back into making love she is feeling overwhelmed by a man pressuring her into something she is ready to do and worried if she doesn't, her marriage will fail

Nobody has said op should leave him immediately

But the behaviour she has described is abusive. That's fact.

100+ posters saying this isn't ok, symptomatic of a very worrying attitude towards you and sex and 1 saying no big deal and obviously you only want to read that one...
None so blind as those who will not see

Well he's going the right way to ensure you never have an orgasm by pressuring you into sex that you are not ready for.
It takes roughly a year to fully recover from pregnancy and, coupled with having a tiny baby totally dependant on you for its survival and having to cope with a man child as a it's no wonder you're exhausted.

Tell him to read up on the after effects of pregnancy, childbirth, C section and SPD. Tell him to imagine being hit in the bollocks by a ten pound hammer and trying to get it up never mind being forced into ejaculation.

Ach, you poor thing. I actually had to stop reading your OP for a minute and come back to it, because I found it so upsetting.

But you're not ready to see what a problem this is, so all I'll say is congratulations on the new baby and try to be as kind and considerate to yourself as you obviously are to your husband.

Ach, you poor thing. I actually had to stop reading your OP for a minute and come back to it, because I found it so upsetting.

But you're not ready to see what a problem this is, so all I'll say is congratulations on the new baby and try to be as kind and considerate to yourself as you obviously are to your husband.

OP I've had 2 c-sections and my second was very straightforward (elective) and even after that it took me months to get my libido back. Your body has been cut after growing another human. Your organs have been pushed about, sliced open and you need to recover. It takes time to physically and emotionally recover from surgery and having a newborn on top of that just makes recovery that much more difficult.

My DH and I have always been very intimate and had a very active sex life but he did not once make me feel bad or try to push me into sex. He waited until I was ready to start having sex again and it did take a few months. Your DH is behaving abhorrently and I am so sad you can't see that. You need to tell him 'I have had major surgery, I have a tiny baby and I love and adore you. I am not ready to have sex yet, stop pushing it.' And he needs to respect it.

LH I do think men also go through major emotional upheaval when a miniature grenade (baby) arrives in your calm happy home. Your DH clearly doesnt know quite how to deal with it all yet, and you rightly want to acknowledge this and support him

I think you have successfully described a man-child.

I also think you have done the OP and other women reading this who might be in the same situation a huge disservice.

Talk about minimising!

This poster's DH is being passive aggressive- walking out without saying 'goodbye' and also bringing up the experience of his own father as a kind of 'threat' to what may happen if the OP doesn't have orgasms on demand.

I really cannot believe you are so sympathetic to him.

LHReturns I am 100% with you on this. To be honest my first thought was "8 weeks??!?!?" like 99% of the other posters on here. However I know women who were counting down the days until they could jump their partners 4 weeks after giving birth. Perhaps it was uncomfortable for them, perhaps they didn't enjoy it like they had pre-pregnancy; but they wanted to - they wanted that sexual dynamic back in their relationship despite their discomfort. Their reasons were their own, and that's their choice.

I agree, leaving in a huff, not great, but anyone can be over-sensitive and inconsiderate sometimes. Having no friends and deriving a perhaps unhealthy amount of self-worth from sex? Probably true, but pop psychology at it's finest. Unnecessary comparison to his relationship with his parents?? Who's to say this is the DH's assessment and not the OP's interpretation? I can see why OP wishes she didn't mention any of this.

OP, I had a section. I didn't want to get it on for god knows how long, but then again I'm not a particularly sexual person and it's not a massive part of my relationship. However as the months have rolled on I have wanted to rediscover myself and the sexual aspects of my relationship, not just for my own well-being but for my partner's as well. I think what you both need to accept is that what you've just been through - pregnancy, birth and having a small baby - is limiting in itself. You can want to get back to normal all you like, but you have to be patient with your own body. You have to respect what it's been through, and if it's hurting when you want it to be cumming be gentle with it and listen. It's easy to downplay the experience 8 weeks after, but now 15 months after my section I still get twinges around my scar and I think... jeez, perhaps I shouldn't have gone racing back into my old ways quite so quickly; this was a big deal! You'll get there, don't worry. This is just a short time in your life so take it easy; your body will be 100% your own again in time, but if it's not quite yet you'll just have to wait - so will you DH - but it was worth it, right?!!

I suggest you discuss this with your doctor if you can't let yourself listen to posters here.

If you're happy without orgasming you need to ask him why he's bothered. I suspect he'll bluster but it's all about him and he's being a shit. Sorry.

OP, I am not going to comment on the sex bit.
I had IVF, HG, SPD and a C-Section and I was 'off' for ages.
But it is what works for YOU that matters.

This is the bit that worries me though:
"He has bonded with DS but I don't want him to feel pushed out."

He CANT be pushed out.
You have a different type of love for your partner and your child.
One does not take away from the other.
Yes, you will be more pushed for time/tired while your ds is a baby,
but that passes and it doesn't need to affect your marriage.

CONGRATULATIONS on your lovely ds!
I hope you can explain to your H that everything is fine, no need to rush the intimacy, it will be there when you are ready to pick it back up, unless either of you rushes / forces it.

I understand that you are feeling fragile OP and that you love your DH.
The big red flag that people are seeing is that he is putting his "needs" before yours and his tiny newborn baby. That is not OK.
It feels like there is a codependant/narcissist dynamic in your relationship.

Your libido will come back. But not because it's demanded back at 8wks.
You and your DH have a lot of learning to do so patience is required on both sides. And not reading into things too much either.
And not falling into the thinking trap of 'bad stuff will happen in the future if I do X Y or Z.'
What couples forget most of all in the excitment of having a baby is that they are no longer alone.
You two are no longer alone. You are not just a couple anymore. There are three of you in this family now, so the dynamics change and it takes getting used to. Yes, everyone would love it if all went back to normal and everything was 'fixed' straightaway but it doesn't happen like that.
Motherhood and parenthood is a path littered with mistakes, misunderstandings, frustration, and tears for all reasons, sometimes really really good reasons. It's horrifically scary and absolutely amazing and both of those sometimes in the same minute or hour as I'm sure you are finding out (eg. 4pm, baby asleep you are so full of love, come 5pm = time to be overwhelmed and burst into tears). Yes, your DH got it wrong, it won't be the first time.
Parenting doesn't come with a manual, it's a chucked in at the deep end approach. Men especially can feel out of control as they have no 'control' over the baby, they only have 'control' over their partner (I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it like the relationship felt like it was something they had full understanding of). They feel they struggle to get a look in after the baby is born.
There is a book called Babyproofing your Marriage that might be worth a read. Good luck with it.

Op l was amazed to read 8 Weeks after a difficult pregnancy and a c-section,

I to had a c- section and did not feel up to it for 5 months, zero interest, and no orgasn for longer...DH never asked for sex during this time, thank god!
we are still fine!

l don't think the agressive name calling of your DH is necessary or helpful, but you should sit down and explain clearly what you need from him...ie no requests for sex until you ask, however long that takes. He needs to translate his clingy behaviour into caring behavior ie helping with the baby , helping with the house and cooking, after a baby that is what true love looks like, explain that to him.

No woman should have painful sex EVER, tell him it hurts alot and may continue to do so for a while yet.

Marriage is ( hopefully) long so he can wait for a few months.

Congratulations on your baby.

DD is 8 months old and it probably took 6-7 months for "comfortable" sex to return! Tell him to fuck off, I'd be absolutely swinging for him.

I wanted it provide some support to the OP at this tough time for her - I'm sorry if I offended other posters in the meantime. I am in the tiny minority, so I'm sure no one is that bothered.

After I had a baby it was just as likely to be me hoping for sex (and would have been disgruntled if DH didn't come 'what?! Am I not sexy anymore?); it was just as likely to be me demanding some normal life back that reminded me of life before DS ; and truthfully it was just as likely to be me flouncing off without saying goodbye to get a reaction when I was tired and down (I had PND for 8 months so there was no shortage of suffering on both sides). I understand that isn't so grown up for a 40 year old woman - does that make me a woman-child? Kinda like that. But no one is perfect, and certainly not with an 8 week baby at home.

OP enjoy your gorgeous new baby and I think it certainly worth showing DH some scientific data around why your body is absolutely not ready to orgasm yet and won't be for a while.

OP, you have had 143 messages on this thread, all saying the same thing but one. You have replied to the one message that gave a different POV. Doesn't that tell you something?

You're clearly not ready to hear anything negative about your relationship, but do talk to your h and tell him what many of the posters have said to you. Your body has gone through a huge change and major surgery.

LH I understand that isn't so grown up for a 40 year old woman - does that make me a woman-child?

Yes. What you have written about demanding sex and being sulky makes you sound extremely selfish and intent on getting what YOU wanted with no regard for anyone else.

You did ask.

Thanks Polly. My husband quite likes it though.

OP's DH might have a number of issues we don't actually know about and if he is being a man-child, he is a one of a high number. OP doesn't need battering, she needs helping. Her DH obviously needs her to tell him how she feels and the way he responds to that will give her a clue as to whether there is hope that he will truly put her needs before his at this very difficult time. In his mind, he may be have just been looking to the birth and thinking that everything would be back to normal after...even GP's tend to dismiss every pregnancy ailment as something which will disappear as soon as baby is born. It also sounds as if OP may not be used to be putting herself first and maybe that is something that could be worked upon when she is less tired. I am sure that she is feeling quite dispirited at the moment and I hope she can see that her body is working just as it should after all these posts.

Motherofravens, people are only expressing their concerns.
Your thread is quite shocking.
I realise that sometimes the truth hurts, but you shouldn't be deleting the thread, as we are here to support you.
Your Husbands behaviour is appalling, to say the least.
You have just endured a traumatic time, and given birth.
He is petulant and selfish. Tell him to man up.
Do not cow tow, to his demands, or you will be making a rod for your own back. I hope given time, things improve for you.

LH Are you being goady or trying to miss the point intentionally?

Your DH might like you to want sex a lot but in case you've missed it, women's and men's bodies post childbirth are different.

If you were forcing yourself on him and insisting on sex when he'd had major abdominal surgery , was sore, tired, had not slept well for 2 months and had issues getting aroused and couldn't ejaculate, would he like it so much then? Added to which you sulked and ignored him at times.

You just seem to want to brag about your high sex drive, not actually engage with the real issue here.

Op it's sad to see you want it removed....I think you just wanted advice on how to 'get back on the horse' so to speak....I hope he apologises for hurting you with his exit this morning.
I'm glad he supports you fully in all other ways. Be honest with him about how this is making YOU feel. You are important too you know.
I think many of us read about him as quite self absorbed in this area.

Op it's sad to see you want it removed....I think you just wanted advice on how to 'get back on the horse' so to speak....I hope he apologises for hurting you with his exit this morning.
I'm glad he supports you fully in all other ways. Be honest with him about how this is making YOU feel. You are important too you know.
I think many of us read about him as quite self absorbed in this area.