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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants me to orgasm

258 replies

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:10

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better Sad

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 11:00

Op it's sad to see you want it removed....I think you just wanted advice on how to 'get back on the horse' so to speak....I hope he apologises for hurting you with his exit this morning.
I'm glad he supports you fully in all other ways. Be honest with him about how this is making YOU feel. You are important too you know.
I think many of us read about him as quite self absorbed in this area.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 11:00

Op it's sad to see you want it removed....I think you just wanted advice on how to 'get back on the horse' so to speak....I hope he apologises for hurting you with his exit this morning.
I'm glad he supports you fully in all other ways. Be honest with him about how this is making YOU feel. You are important too you know.
I think many of us read about him as quite self absorbed in this area.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 11:00

Op it's sad to see you want it removed....I think you just wanted advice on how to 'get back on the horse' so to speak....I hope he apologises for hurting you with his exit this morning.
I'm glad he supports you fully in all other ways. Be honest with him about how this is making YOU feel. You are important too you know.
I think many of us read about him as quite self absorbed in this area.

LHReturns · 04/10/2016 11:00

Polly, I'm not doing either - I'm just smiling and not taking your attack on me seriously at all. This is the OP's thread, and I don't want to derail. Although understandably the support has been so helpful she has disappeared.

I am very happy with my own situation and how both my DH and I approach our relationship which is entirely equal with no victims and no blame. I am sure you are equally happy with yours. I respect your approach entirely, and don't judge anyone else at all. I enjoy these exchanges I don't get upset!

Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 11:01

Sorry bloody phone Angry

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2016 11:07

MN is a very supportive place for women, but men get a very quick beating on the basis of OPs such as yours. No doubt there is much more to your DH than just this anecdote

The ops husband could be a fucking hero at taking out the bins or anything else at all but the second he starts using sexual coercion and combining withdrawal of affection as a punishment then so fucking what. He is an abuser, he might be a nice one or a handsome one or a charming one, he may be one who wouldn't dream of punching anybody in the face BUT sexual coercion is abuse and withdrawal of affection used to punish for percieved slights is also abuse.

Tumtitum · 04/10/2016 11:07

Mother, DD is almost 8 months and me and DH have had sex TWICE in that time! Both times in the past month. I love him but don't feel remotely sexual which I presume is down to tiredness, hormones and breast feeding. I'm happy to have more intimacy now but couldn't give a flying fuck about orgasming or not! Maybe your DH needs to reframe his expectations and appreciate intimacy without you having to orgasm!

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2016 11:08

OP I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said but I found your OP to be one of the most chilling and horrifying I've read in a long long time.

I know that it must be very hard hearing what these "strangers" have said to you about your husband. But I hope you have listened and will be able to use some of the advice in the future because make no bones about it, your husband is a controlling, abusive bully

LH supporting someone doesn't just mean saying what they want to hear. In fact, it's often the opposite

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:13

I'll say it again, I'm with LHReturns; they are not a lone voice. I have not doubt we're not the only ones outside of MN-land.

Also please bear in mind, just because poor OP is worrying this will affect her dh's relationship with ds doesn't mean he is the one telling her it will affect the relationship. When you've had a baby all sorts of anxieties surface. It is perfectly possible to worry about these things and want to be able to do things (i.e. sex) that you feel increase your bond with your partner even when your own body is not complicit. Particularly if you've got in in your head that your dh's relationship with their child depends on it; who says the dh put that idea there in the first place? OP says "we think" regarding his relationship with his father.

As LH says it is possible for both people in a relationship to struggle adjusting to the post-baby changes in a marriage. Communication is the key. Perhaps this is not as fraught an issue for her dh as OP thinks; of course he's expressed his frustrations badly from the looks of things, but these things happen with a new baby in the mix. It's time for a talk to air OP's worries I think.

MatildaOfTuscany · 04/10/2016 11:16

He's having sex with you when it hurts. Unless you are actively into BDSM, this is wrong. Never mind the sulking afterwards, the pouting over "wanting to give you an orgasm" (which translates as wanting his ego stroked) - making someone have sex which is painful is wrong, full stop.

Forget his mental health - what is it doing to your mental health, being coerced into painful sex, guilt-tripped about not having orgasms, then having affection withheld as a punishment? He's an arsehole of the first order.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2016 11:25

"he's expressed his frustrations badly"

I think that is the minimising understatement of the century.

I think emotional blackmail, stonewalling and inappropriate anger are all pretty bad ways of expressing his frustration Hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2016 11:25

I had sex 2 weeks after one of my my babies was born but averaged about 6-9 with the rest I wanted to it didn't hurt and all was well with me the children's father did not mention anything at all about sex and left me to express any interest what with it being my body that had been in pain.

The op is not ok she's hurting and being pressured she hasn't expressed any desire to comence sex for mutual benefit she is concerned that if she does not her husband won't love his baby and won't love her!

There is no planet anywhere where this is ok.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:26

He's having sex with you when it hurts. Unless you are actively into BDSM, this is wrong.

Ummm, unless she actually wants to have sex - even though it hurts - because, you know, any reason she damn well wants? And she is in fact looking for "advice or just reassurance that it gets better" (as per the OP)?

alphabook · 04/10/2016 11:27

Feeling sexually frustrated when you haven't had sex for months is understandable. Wanting to pleasure your wife because you love her is understandable.

What is not acceptable is putting pressure on your wife to do something that is painful and uncomfortable when she is recovering from major surgery and claiming it's affecting your mental health. It's also not acceptable to get in a mood with her about it. If he just wanted to show you he loves you and make you feel good then he wouldn't be punishing you.

MatildaOfTuscany · 04/10/2016 11:29

Great idea, eatsleep, let's encourage more women to lie back and think of England lest their husband's feelings get hurt. (sarcastic emoticon, in case you missed it).

Fuck that. You may be happy to minimise what's happening to OP, I'm very glad that the vast majority of the posters on this thread aren't.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:30

I think emotional blackmail, stonewalling and inappropriate anger are all pretty bad ways of expressing his frustration

I hope I haven't misread something; where are you getting this? I've read that he left without saying goodbye as he was sulking over the changes to his sexual relationship with his wife, and is generally pissed off with the world that they've all had a pretty shitty time of late.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/10/2016 11:30

Taking the time and trouble to try to make you orgasm = nice, as long as you are feeling ready for it.

Getting angry because you don't orgasm 8weeks PP = wrong, just so wrong.

Being affectionate and caring to you, calling you beautiful = nice.

Being overly clingy to you when you've just had a baby = not that nice, or that welcome.

You must be exhausted OP. You had a traumatic birth and CS 8 weeks ago, of course you're not going to be back in the saddle yet. Yes, it will get better over time, of course it will - but your dh's behaviour does ring alarm bells. That's why you've had these replies I agree with a PP, your post is quite chilling.

PollyPerky · 04/10/2016 11:31

The 'DH supporters' (you know who you are ) are missing the point.

You are posting about your own experiences. Of course there is a huge spectrum of sexual needs both pre and post pregnancy. No one denies that. But the point is the OP is unhappy with what's going on. You seem to be missing and minimising that. You are completely missing the point that she is being made to feel bad over not having an orgasm. And that her DH withholds affection as a punishment. And talks about his MH.
FFS- is that really so hard to see as wrong?

alphabook · 04/10/2016 11:33

unless she actually wants to have sex

She's made it pretty clear in her first post that she doesn't feel sexual and doesn't want to have sex, but feels massively under pressure.

This wasn't a "I really want my sex life back, when will my libido return" post. I wonder if sex would be any priority for her at all if her husband wasn't putting pressure on her.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:34

Matilda I wouldn't encourage anyone to do anything sexual they don't want to do at all. But also I promote choice, and if someone says "I would like to do this, but I'm struggling; can anyone help?", I won't say "It is impossible you would want to choose that" or "your reasons for wanting to choose that are not valid in my opinion". Sure, there are questions that are worth asking about whether or not there is any form of coercion, but when OP comes back and says "come on guys, I think you've misunderstood, this is what I want", it's hard to read everyone saying "it can't possibly be, you poor love, you".

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:36

alphabook I appreciate you read it like that, but I read it as "I want to feel sexual again for my relationship but I don't; when will it come back?". Not saying either of us is right, just I can see why we're both coming at it from different angles. Sometimes I don't feel sexual and don't want to have sex, but I'm not happy about it and want it to change! That definitely happens IMO.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:38

In addition, when I don't feel sexual but wish I did the pressure to change comes from ME. I put that pressure on myself, and yes, some of it is thinking how will my relationship suffer if I can't get a handle on this? So obviously I'm reacting to the OP with the insight of my own feelings.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2016 11:39

eat have you not read the same OP as me?

"he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health" = emotional blackmail. Plus all the hints that this could end their marriage like his parents' if she doesn't buck her ideas up

Leaving without speaking to her, sulking when she didn't orgasm = stonewalling

"DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much" = inapproriate anger. And that's not even asking what the actual fuck he has "suffered"

It's vile, nasty abusive behaviour

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/10/2016 11:41

"I want to feel sexual again for my relationship but I don't; when will it come back?".

There is nothing wrong with asking, or answering that question - but like it or not, the OP has posted that her Dh was angry with her for not orgasming, and has shown that to her by going off to work without saying goodbye for the first time ever. There is something pretty sinister in that - he's punishing her for not being back to normal sex/libido-wise, when she gave birth by CS 8wks ago. I mean, the poor woman can't magic up an orgasm just like that, when she's finding the whole thing painful.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 04/10/2016 11:45

"he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health" - these are OP's words. How do you know how the conversation went? Both women AND men can suffer from depression after the birth of a baby and lack of intimacy can certainly contribute. Perhaps this was an open and frank discussion about things that are getting them down. Perhaps it wasn't. Neither of us is crazy for how we read this.

"Leaving without speaking to her, sulking when she didn't orgasm" - an unreasonable, childish action. Have you never done something unreasonable before, then checked yourself?

"And that's not even asking what the actual fuck he has "suffered"" Um....his baby died?? Yes, MCs are terrible for the woman involved, but ALSO for the man. EMCS is a terrifying experience for a woman, but I remember my poor dp going white as a sheet, shaking and crying in the corner as our baby's heartbeat disappeared before I was wheeled into theatre. Yes, it was OP's body. Yes it was likely worse for her. But what has he suffered?? God, grow a heart.