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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants me to orgasm

258 replies

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:10

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better Sad

OP posts:
Popskipiekin · 04/10/2016 09:45

I'm sorry you've asked for the thread to be deleted OP but I hope, as you say, that it has given you something to discuss with DH: that very very few women are ready for a full on return to sexual intercourse after just 8 weeks post birth. DH and I gave it a go at 6 weeks, all worked fine functionally but I was in no way stimulated and it took me MONTHS for that to come back. I'm now pregnant again and the urges have completely gone but we knew that would happen. DH is happy to wait for them to return, he is not pressuring me. Please please look after yourself: your own mental health is taking a battering right now, and I'm really not that sure that your DH's is....

IceRoadDucker · 04/10/2016 09:45

This is horrifying. Sad I was in a marriage like this, OP. I'm so much happier now I'm out of it.

Please take care of yourself. Flowers

PollyPerky · 04/10/2016 09:45

OP The reason you want the thread deleted is quite honestly because you don't want to hear the truth.

The fact your DH did the housework and cooking for 4 miserly weeks does not entitle him to sex and demanding you orgams to keep him happy.

Please don't ignore the advice here. You deserve better behaviour than this from your husband. If you brush this under the carpet and try to minimise his behaviour, you will make a rod for your own back with more bad behaviour in years to come.

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 09:46

wanted to hear from other mums and how they got their libido back PP

Several posters have told you. The answer is simple. Waiting until you feel ready and having a supportive and caring partner who does not pressurise you.

You are living in fairyland if you think how he has treated you is ok. There's no way you could explain it that would make it ok.

I mean that nicely Flowers

timelytess · 04/10/2016 09:47

What he is doing isn't right. Burying your head in the sand won't make things better.

LHReturns · 04/10/2016 09:47

OP I understand entirely why you want it deleted.

MN is a very supportive place for women, but men get a very quick beating on the basis of OPs such as yours. No doubt there is much more to your DH than just this anecdote.

You clearly love your DH very much, and I'm sure you will be back on track quickly. While pregnancy and birth is physically and hormonally all about the woman, I do think men also go through major emotional upheaval when a miniature grenade (baby) arrives in your calm happy home. Your DH clearly doesnt know quite how to deal with it all yet, and you rightly want to acknowledge this and support him.

If it helps I also had a c-section, and started to feel mentally 'up for it' again after around 12 weeks. I was still finding penetrative sex painful (don't know why after section, but it was), so we did other, school kid 'touching and stuff'. My boobs were absolutely monstrous but DH quite enjoyed a play - which was fine by me!

Wishing you all the best and congratulations in your gorgeous new baby! I am 6 weeks pregnant with my second and would so love to make it all the way to healthy baby home with me.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 04/10/2016 09:48

OP as hard as it might have been to read, please take on board what the posters on this thread have said to you. The coercion and silent treatment he is using as a hold over you, eight weeks after major surgery, is completely shocking. Your body is not ready. Your brain is not read. And that is okay. You should never feel forced into having sex, let alone having pressure to orgasm. That's not how sex in a healthy relationship works. Please listen to what has been said.

sophiaheulwen · 04/10/2016 09:49

I had the same problem and I wish I had ended the relationship with my husband years before we divorced. Unbelievable how insensitive some men are. He was jealous that my little baby got all my attention. A lot of men just need to grow up. Fortunately I've brought my sons up to be very different...

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 09:49

Btw saying "oh but he does X,y,z" is minimising his behaviour. It doesn't matter if he does the cooking and housework every day of his life. It's entirely irrelevant to the situation you have described.

NerrSnerr · 04/10/2016 09:50

I had a c section and didn't get my libido back until about 8 months, we had sex a couple of times before that but it was painful and I didn't enjoy it (my husband didn't push things and we tended to do 'other stuff'). I am now pregnant again and have hg and my husband isn't trying to have sex as he knows I'm not up for it. He respects this. The not saying bye to you because you didn't orgasm is a huge red flag.

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 09:50

No doubt there is much more to your DH than just this anecdote.

There was a great deal more to my ex than just my anecdote of him once stubbing out cigarettes on my arm, but that one incident is more than enough to judge him by, don't you think?

Original poster
Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 09:50

Thanks LH returns, that's what I needed to hear Smile

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 04/10/2016 09:51

Get him to read this It's sad but sometimes the only way to get through to people like your husband is to show them an article that proves it's not just you being mean on purpose. I really hope his attitude changes or this is going to ruin that special time with your new baby and taint all your memories of what's supposed to be a magical (if exhausting) experience.

LyndaNotLinda · 04/10/2016 09:53

Any man who refuses to say goodbye to his wife because she didn't orgasm on command has massive issues around sex and control.

And that's without taking the 8 weeks' post-partum bit after a traumatic emergency CS into account. Or the fact that he's being clingy. Or that he's warned the OP that she must prioritise his needs or he will resent the baby.

There is no way to dress that up prettily I'm afraid.

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 09:54

men get a very quick beating on the basis of OPs such as yours

If a woman posted the following:

AIBU? My DH had major stomach surgery 8 weeks ago. Last night we had sex and he didn't ejaculate. This is affecting my mental health. AIBU to punish him by leaving the house without saying goodbye this morning?

Do you really think she would get a different response?

LyndaNotLinda · 04/10/2016 09:54

This isn't okay OP. I'm so sad you think it is :(

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 09:54

that's what I needed to hear

That's what you wanted to hear, unfortunately.

ravenmum · 04/10/2016 09:55

OP it wasn't a mistake posting, you weren't to know what people would make of your situation - perhaps you don't have many people to talk to about private stuff?

To me it sounds like your husband has some problems which counselling would help.an outside viewpoint; some help looking into why he feels as he does. Ignoring problems just makes them bigger.

Purplebluebird · 04/10/2016 09:57

8 weeks after birth?! I wasn't able to have sex until 6 months after - we tried but it was painful. Your husband is being a bit selfish, this is not about him. You need to heal and recover, and that can take a while - both physically and mentally.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2016 09:57

Sorry but it really doesn't matter whether or not there is a lot more to him than this one anecdote. It is absolutely wrong and selfish of him to approach sex in this way and it speaks volumes about how what kind of man he is and the way this relationship is likely to go in future unless he is pulled up on it now and made to consider what he is actually doing to his wife, the person he supposedly loves and cares for. Even that is not likely to change anything, but there's at least a chance that things can improve.

You need to be very careful not to dismiss this and gloss over it, because it's really not okay. Again, I wish you all the best. Please remember everything everyone has said here, use it to strengthen your resolve to expect good and dent treatment.

AprilLoveJ · 04/10/2016 09:57

I will never understand why some women think it's okay to accept this kind of behaviour from a man regarding sexual issues simply because they do some cooking or cleaning, pay bills or 'help out' with THEIR dc's

Op it does seem you have a problem here and I do hope once you've had some time to absorb the idea that you feel able to come back here for support should you need it. Your dh is being unreasonable and selfish and childish regarding this particular matter. He may be good in all sorts of other ways and love you very much, but it doesn't excuse this. You recently pushed a human being out....you're gonna need time to get back on track sexually...even if you never do he shouldn't be pressuring or ignoring you, blaming you for his mental health issues. That's not going to help the situation at all. You need to tell him this.

Hope you can see that this is all everybody is trying to say. Flowers

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2016 09:59

Sigh. That was meant to say good and decent treatment.

Nativitylobster · 04/10/2016 09:59

If dh had tried to have Sex with me 8 weeks after giving birth I would have kicked him in the nuts! I think you need a serious talk with him about this. He sounds very childish.

LHReturns · 04/10/2016 10:01

I am not saying any of you are wrong. You might be 100% right, but you might not be. After my section, even if I had wanted to, an orgasm would have been very painful - my uterus just wasn't ready to contract like that. Sorry if TMi!

I am providing a different kind of support to a woman who had major surgery 8 weeks ago and is going through the enormous trauma of a new baby. She is clearly wishing she had positioned her OP differently, she loves her DH, and 100s posts telling her what an abuser he is and how she should leave him immediately may not be what she needs right now.

Jeez, the poor guy may be absolutely exhausted himself, felt a bit hurt and rejected, and left the house in a bit of a huff. He is human too! I am not going to conclude this is abuse based on what we have learned from the poor OP so far.

My husband has certainly felt jealous of our son at times (with good reason, I bite DS's bum far more than I do DH's)...

PerspicaciaTick · 04/10/2016 10:01

So, he wants you to perform like a trained an animal - orgasming and then weeping hot tears of gratitude for his manly ability to control your body. And if you don't then he gives the silent treatment and makes you fear for your marriage.

He really doesn't give a fuck about what you want does he?