Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants me to orgasm

258 replies

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:10

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better Sad

OP posts:
MrsMcMoo · 04/10/2016 07:54

He sounds awful, he shouldn't be treating you like this.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 04/10/2016 07:56

His mental health is something he needs to take responsibility for, not you. So if it is being affected by "lack of intimacy" then he needs to deal with WHY that is, rather than you having to "fix" him by being intimate. If he is honestly having mental health problems he needs to speak to a GP, he needs to see a counsellor who can help him work through why he is feeling this way. None of that falls to you other than to be supportive of him getting help.

This is all him. 8 weeks post partum, particularly post c section, it is not normal to be sexually active again. It isn't abnormal if you want to be, but to feel pressured to orgasm when you have all the other stuff going on with an 8 week old baby, a body recovering from major surgery, and everything else life throws at you, is just not on. The fact that he didn't speak to you (didn't say goodbye) because you didn't orgasm is just awful. And entirely HIS issue.

Sex is only one part of a relationship. Yes, for many it is a very important part, but there are other ways he can show you love. Better ways, quite frankly, at this stage in your life. I never feel more loved than when my husband cooks dinner AND washes up after when I've had a difficult day.

Talk to him and suggest he gets counselling for the way he is feeling, and learn to discover other ways to "show his love" to you. You aren't there to boost his ego or just be a sex machine for him, FFS.

Congrats on your baby, by the way. C sections can be tough to recover from, hope you are doing ok Flowers

pugsake · 04/10/2016 07:56

Op 8 weeks is just ridiculous.

I have a really good active sex life with DH and we waited more then that after a 12 week mc.

stitchglitched · 04/10/2016 07:58

He needs to find other ways to 'show his love' Hmm that don't involve coercing you into painful sex and then sulking when you don't perform enough for him.

You had major surgery and a baby 8 weeks ago. He should be treating you with kindness, tenderness and care. I cannot express strongly enough just how awful this is.

LyndaNotLinda · 04/10/2016 08:00

I wonder where the conclusion about why his dad is a twat cane from?

Sounds to me like a warning - don't push him out or he'll behave like his dad. That's certainly the way you're behaving.

Not saying goodbye to you because your newly post-partum body isn't responding to him in the way he'd like is despicable.

You should be angry. And very worried. You have just had a baby who is entirely reliant on you for everything. And that is something you should be doing together. Right now, it sounds like he's setting up a scenario where you're having to make a choice.

Be very careful OP. You need to establish very clear boundaries now and tell him his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable or in a few months, he's going to be stopping you tending to the baby when it's crying.

pugsake · 04/10/2016 08:00

I haven't given give relationship advice you've had some good advice already from much wiser posters then me.

Honestly though even the sex thing by itself is shit. It's hurting you FFS that's not right.

whattodowiththepoo · 04/10/2016 08:03

All I can see he has done wrong is leaving without saying goodbye.

He needs to calm down and understand while a new baby brings changes for you both he's being a complete moron in now seeing the changes you are going through as a couple are absolutely nothing compared to the changes your body is going through.

MyBreadIsEggy · 04/10/2016 08:03

Oh how my heart bleeds for your DH and his struggling "mental health" Hmm
Has he forgotten the part where an entire human was surgically removed from your body only 8 weeks ago?!! Shock
Sod him and his poor, neglected penis at this time. What about you? Your body has been stretched, battered, bruised, cut open and then flooded with a shit ton of unfamiliar hormones which make it function very differently to what you're used to. He should be supporting you in anyway possible to make things easier - not pressuring you into sex!! Tell him to grow a whole person, have a major operation, and then have a penis thrust at him while he's still recovering and see how he likes it!! Twat. Angry

whothefuckhas5children · 04/10/2016 08:03
Flowers
CocktailQueen · 04/10/2016 08:08

DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much. - WE have suffered? Sounds like YOU suffered.

H is overly clingy and affectionate - yuk. When you have a newborn?? He should be acting like a man, not a spoiled child.

Yuk. It's ALL about him, isn't it? You have to orgasm or it affects HIS mental health? I've never heard anything so fucking selfish.

Agree with everyone else on this thread, OP.

Is he being loving to you - is he cooking for you, running you baths, looking after you, doing his fair share of parenting, making you cups of tea, getting up in the night? All that tells you a lot about how healthy your relationship is.

MrsRhubarb · 04/10/2016 08:12

Gosh, I think it was 8 months before we DTD after a very easy pregnancy and easy natural delivery. At 8 weeks we were both so tired that even if I had suggested it I think DH would have looked at me like I was mad and just gone to sleep.

Wait til they're nearly 3 and just know every time you want to be intimate and come charging through the bedroom door demanding cbeebies. It made TTC number 2 quite a challenge.

PollyPerky · 04/10/2016 08:13

Oh dear...I fear this is going to end up as Daily Fail fodder once more.

BUT- 8 weeks? I'm another one who is shocked. I think I waited 6-9 months due to being sore ( cut and stitched) and sheer lack of sleep.

His desire for you to have an orgasm is not borne out of 'love' for you. It comes from his own selfishness that he's dressed up as 'love' to fool you.

With an 8-week old baby his love should be directed into making you hearty meals, going shopping for food and nappies, making you cups of tea and looking after your DC so you have time for a bath and hair wash.

Mental health issues? He certainly has but not in the way he thinks.

I fear for your long term happiness if you are stuck with such a selfish man.

ktfs · 04/10/2016 08:14

what an arse.....fake it...then in a few months when hes feeling sorry for himself again throw it back in his face!

Littletabbyocelot · 04/10/2016 08:16

My husband has always felt & shown love with sex. I also found sex post c section very painful but thought I'd try and push through it in the hope that it would start to feel more enjoyable. My husband figured out that I was in pain, stopped immediately and refused to have sex with me again until we looked at how to make it less painful. Because he sees sex as a way of actually showing love which means my feelings & enjoyment really matter.

Actually withdrawing affection (not saying goodbye) because you didn't orgasm - I just have no words

MattBerrysHair · 04/10/2016 08:24

OP, in the kindest way, I don't think you realise just how unreasonable he's being. It's not your duty to gratefully accept his 'love' in the form that he chooses. If he wanted to make you feel loved he would make sure to find out what you actually wanted and needed and provide that. And to be angry with you about something beyond your control, not orgasming, is pretty horrific. His mental health is not your responsibility, and if it is so fragile that you not orgasming affects it then he really needs to seek professional help. I don't say this to be insulting, but as someone with mental health issues who knows the importance of finding an appropriate way to deal with such issues.

Acardwithbigletters · 04/10/2016 08:28

Um sorry but your DH is being an utter twat. I'm really shocked that you can't see it.

My DS is 6 months and our sex life is only just getting back to normal. The first time we did it after the birth DS was 10 weeks and after that we didn't do it again til he was 5 months.

There are so, so many ways to be loving and intimate besides sex. Pressuring you into it when you don't feel like it is going to have the opposite effect - DH and I have our sex life back now because he was loving, caring, gave me lots of (non sexual) affection and completely understood and respected that I didn't feel like sex for a long time after the birth.

Your H needs to grow up, I'm sorry.

snakesalive · 04/10/2016 08:29

Please please tell me this is a fucking wind up...he needs to leave you the fuck alone untill you feel ready....what an utter controlling twat...his mental health...how fucking dare he

snakesalive · 04/10/2016 08:31

I can't stay on this thread ...I've no words ,one ,for his selfish twatisness and, two ,for you being a walk over door mat...for god sake stand up for yourself

TweedleDumber · 04/10/2016 08:32

He's a complete knob.

ravenmum · 04/10/2016 08:32

His father resents him for taking away his mother's attention as a baby. What has he learned from his father's resentment? That being resentful to your own child is immature and cruel? Or that a mother's main focus after the birth should be on the dad, not the baby?

ParForTheCourses · 04/10/2016 08:38

Your husband has many issues and is being very unfair. He can show his love in many other ways which don't involve pain and pressure for you.

He sounds like a sulky child and the fact that you don't see how unreasonable he is being screams at this relationship not being as good as you believe.

Ausernotanumber · 04/10/2016 08:43

He's a royal twat of the first order.

He needs to wise up. What he's doing is abusive.

PollyPerky · 04/10/2016 08:44

Your DH has NO IDEA of what his father feels. If his father felt jealous when your DH was a baby, that's his problem ( your FILs) not yours. Your DH is an utter knob if he thinks that forcing sex on you/ demanding you orgams to satisfy him is somehow going to help you both remain close now you have a baby.

You know I really worry if you and other women go around with their eyes and ears shut when choosing partners because I just cannot believe that there were no red flags flying long before these examples of appalling behaviour appear on MN.

I expect your DH has been a twat for years but you ignored it and went ahead with a baby hoping it would all be lovely.

I just don't know where you sense of self esteem is or your boundaries if you think for a minute that his behaviour is acceptable.

Phalenopsisgirl · 04/10/2016 08:47

8 weeks sex was still painful due my scar tissue still being tender. Other bits weren't working at all so no orgasms. 6 months and everything is much more normal. Your body has experienced a major trauma it will take a while to get back, it may seem ages since birth but actually you only just had a baby. Your body doesn't want you having sex, because it is healing and because it doesn't want to carry another baby just yet, listen to it, nature knows best.

Myusernameismyusername · 04/10/2016 08:47

I think sadly he has you over a barrel with his sad story about his father and you will desperately try not to make the same mistakes as his parents, putting his needs over your own. That's a bit sad