Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Several of those would piss me off too. The no coats one, for starters. Also the downstairs windows being left open. Basically all of them. I'd sit him down and tell him how you feel; and that you hate turning into a nag, but he needs to shape up.

Thanks Flannel good to know it's not just me then

He sounds a bit forgetful / careless.

Those things would piss me off too but I would also get on my own nerves constantly reminding him !

How about agreeing a checklist or something for the more routine things such as bed time routines or taking the DCs out ?

Those situations would drive me mad. Everyone forgets something occasionally but is EVERYTHING he does with the kids done in such a slapdash manner?

He's pretty self-absorbed, isn't he? Does he ever forget stuff which is just about him?

Yeah, that would piss me off too. Is he slapdash with everything, or just the kids?

Slapdash is a good term for it actually....yes it's everything. Not just with the DCs.

Bloody hell he sounds like a nightmare. Ihave no suggestions unfortunately, In Your shoes I would be reminding him daily, he sounds like the third child

A checklist is one idea I suppose! Thank you.

When he's home it is a bit like having a 3rd child!

Cocktail he is slapdash with everything apart from his job which he is obsessed with. I do everything around the house so he doesn't have to do anything (I wouldn't trust him to do anything anyway if I'm honest). Any 'man' type jobs just get ignored & I don't have the skills/knowledge to do them myself.

Wow, op, you're not making him sound like much of a catch!!

So he does nothing at home? Has he always been like this? And doesn't that piss you off too?

Mine is like this. I let him get it wrong and deal with the cobsequences. Like having to return to school with lunch boxes, directing the children to him for breakfast if he's failed to provide it when I'm out, telling him we've been burgled for a laugh.

That does sound like he's not thinking about the children and what they need or you, indirectly if you're having to pick up on this stuff. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

You need to read the incompetent husbands thread.

Hope hes willing to replace any of your property that gets nicked if you do get burgled due to him leaving the windows open.

Quite frankly having to micro manage a man to this extent would make my fanjo metaphorically close up.

No I realise how I'm making him sound & he does have his good points. Esp. Compared to some of the men you hear about on here. He has always been lazy around the house & disorganised in his home life I think he has probably got a lot worse lately. In his defence he has a demanding job (which he loves) & I am a recent SAHM so I accept that I run the home so to speak.

Might he have dyspraxia? A lot pf those thongs could relate to dyspraxia. He sounds like he wants to do stuff so not a lazy layabout but forgetting stuff, not noticing detail not being able to fix things do scream dyspraxia to me.

I'd love to know which job he has, given he loves it so much. It's rare to hear about that on here!

Interesting June I will have a look into it as in a lot of other ways he's different from other people too.

Helena mine has, or wants to anyway!

Optimist that's a great idea (that made me LOL) however it always seems to be me that's left with the bloody consequences, infuriating!

Sherlock yes you are right about that I think.

I found dividing the getting ready routine helped, asking him to make the packed lunch or get DD ready.

Would then be able to say, what about coats? Or have you got everything you need?

I think he needs to do as much as possible, and sometimes feel the consequences.

Thanks toddlerslave I have fallen into the habit of just doing everything myself for an easy life. If I left him to do a packed lunch my my boggles at what the hell he would put in it!

*mind boggles

I used to pick up the fall out but don't these days. I pass the buck very sweetly back to him

I would let him make the pack lunch. Any complaints from school, I'd pass his way.

It's hard, my ex was like this and I genuinely think with the best will in the world he didn't 'see' these things like other people.

I think the checklist/chat about what a reasonable standard is that you can agree on is a good idea. Fwiw I don't think your objections sound nitpicking but I think you need for him to look at this sort of thing objectively and 'own' it a bit more

Everyone is capable of dealing with basic things like keeping children warm and fed. Everyone. It might not come naturally to some, it might not be easy, but it's always possible. And it's not a bloke thing, DH is a SAHD and is far better at toddler-wrangling and household-managing than I am.

I wouldn't bother doing anything to make him change, other than explaining the impact of his decisions and making him deal with the consequences - eg if you don't feed the children on the weekend they get low blood sugar and then they get grumpy; if you do that I'm going out and you can handle it. etc

I'd probably also explain to him that since you're both parents you expect him to act like a parent not a dabbler in family matters. They're his kids too.